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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Top Ten Proposed Changes At CBS News
  
Stories must be corroborated by at least two really strong hunches.
"Evening News" pre-show staff cocktail hour is cancelled until further notice.
Reduce "60 Minutes" to more manageable 15-20 minutes.
Change division name from "CBS News" to "CBS News-ish"
If anchor says anything inaccurate, earpiece delivers an electric shock.
Conclude each story with comical "Boing" sound effect.
Instead of boring Middle East reports, more powerball drawings.
To play it safe, every "exclusive" story will be about how tasty pecan pie is.
Not sure how, but make CBS News more like "C.S.I."
Use beer, cash and hookers to lure Tom Brokaw out of retirement.
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Fact-checking no longer optional.

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Put the word "News" in quotation marks.

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Replace Quija board with actual sources.

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Why change anything? It's going great!

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You know what people would love? A dog in a trenchcoat and fedora-we'll call it "The Newshound"!

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