It’s our Christmas show . . . and as a gift to me . . . I’m going to make this short. I know, I know. A lot of you are saying that is also a gift to you.

HOLIDAY AUDIENCE SHOW AND TELL
HAS&T#1: Dinda Dahlstrom of Saratoga Springs, New York.
She works for Educational Options (nice plug). Dinda? She says it’s a nickname her mother had growing up. Her mom’s name is . . . . Virginia. So why didn’t mom just name her Virginia and call her Dinda? Don’t know.

What does Dinda have for us? She says she’s been asking her husband to do something different. Oh boy, this could be good! She’s been asking him to hang their Christmas tree upside down. OK. So we see a photo of the Christmas tree in their living room. And sure enough, it’s hanging from the ceiling upside down. Strangely enough, this is quite popular this year. Not so much that the Christmas tree hangs from the ceiling, but that it sits upside down, wide side up. It enables you to get more gifts under the tree. Whatever.

HAS&T#2: Glenn Stoops of Dayton, Ohio.
Oh, Dayton . . . home of the National Cash Register. Dave says that’s all he knows about Dayton. It’s true. I remember his saying that once before. The only thing I know about Dayton is Bill Lehecka went to school there (I think). What does Glenn do for a living? He plays a French sculptor at the Statue of Liberty. I didn’t know there was a real demand for that. And what does Glenn have to show us or tell us? Glenn says back in 1996, he worked at EPCOT at DisneyWorld and played one of the three Wisemen at the Mexico pavilion during the holiday season. A Spanish television show wanted to do a story about the production for their program. We see a clip of Glenn on “La Pinata Loca” speaking in English for the Spanish speaking television program.

HAS&T#3: Gary Nolf of Westbrook, Connecticut:
He’s a school administrator. And he’s a champion spear thrower. This time of year, Gary frequently takes part in the local Atlatl competition. Yeah, you know, Atlatl . . . spear throwing.

Set up on stage is a large bow and arrow target. Gary takes aim with his 6-7 foot spear and throws a bull’s-eye on his first toss. Dave gives it two shots but . . . no bull’s-eye. It’s been a while since he’s thrown at a bow and arrow target.

And that was our Holiday Audience Show and Tell.

O’ HOLY NIGHT – One of my favorites. Paul recreates that magical night oh so many years ago on the Sonny and Cher Variety Christmas Show Special. The guest that night: the barrel-chested actor William Conrad; “Cannon” to television fans. Paul explains: “There was a big festive happy Christmas song medley . . . and then things got serious. The lights were lowered; Cher under a street lamp . . . snow was falling . . . her hands in a muff. . . .” The audience laughs. Dave interrupts, “Paul, we’ve been doing this for 23 years. Why does that always get a laugh?” Who knows . . . it’s tradition.

Paul continues. “Cher was in a long Victorian overcoat . . . and then she begins to sing: “O’ Hoooooolllllly Niiiiiggggght, the skies are brightly shiiiiiiiiiiiinnnning!” And then it went on from there. It was magical.

TOP TEN: Things You Don’t Want to Hear on Christmas Morning
#10. “FEMA will be handling gift delivery.”
#7. “It’s gifts like yours that make me wonder, ‘What would Jesus exchange?”
#5. “Why is Shecky naked?”
#4. “I would’ve gotten you something nice, but I bet on the Jets.”

JAY THOMAS: This is Jay Thomas’ 8th year participating in the Holiday Quarterback Challenge. In 1998, Jets quarterback Vinny Testaverde was a guest on the show. The Quarterback Challenge that night was to knock the top piece off the LATE SHOW Christmas Tree. Try and try again, but Vinny couldn’t do it. Not once did he hit the meatball. Jay Thomas, also a guest that night, got so angry that he ran out from the green room, grabbed a football, and smashed the top piece meatball on his very first throw. We’ve had him back every year since. Jay clears his schedule every December to make sure he’ll be here.

And another Christmas Show tradition is Jay Thomas telling his Lone Ranger story. Let me see if I have that story from last year’s Wahoo. I’ll be right back.

Ahhhhh, yes. Happy day. I’m back:

Before they perform the Challenge, Dave has Jay tell his Lone Ranger story. Dave calls it perhaps the best story he’s ever heard as a talk show host.

Many years back, Jay was a long-haired DJ down in Charlotte, North Carolina. He and a buddy, Mike Martin, were assigned to cover the opening of a Dodge Car Dealership. So they went to the dealership, “herbed up,” and covered the event. Also at the opening was the Lone Ranger. Yes, THE Lone Ranger, Clayton Moore. And he was dressed in his Lone Ranger attire. Clayton always played the part to the utmost whenever he was adorned in his Lone Ranger attire. So after the day was done, Jay and his pal were ready to drive home when they were asked if they would drive the Lone Ranger back to his hotel. They obliged. The Lone Ranger got in the back seat and off they went. They were driving in a beat up, 10-year-old Volvo. They were stopped at a light when the car in front of them suddenly backed up and smashed into their car, breaking a headlight. The car then fled. Jay was irate. He chased after the car angry as all hell. The chase went on for quite awhile. Jay finally catches up to the fleeing driver and they come face to face. Words are exchanged. Jay wants to call the cops to take a report. The guy says with a smirk to the long-haired, hippie Jay, “Yeah? And who do you think they’re going to believe? You?” With that, the Lone Ranger gets out of the backseat of the car and with hands on hips, says, “They’ll believe me, citizen!”

Dave laughed throughout. It is a great story.

LATE SHOW Holiday Quarterback Challenge:
Target: Top Piece of the LATE SHOW Christmas Tree --- also known as a meatball.

Jay takes aim and . . . misses. Dave takes aim and he too misses. After a few more misses by both, I expected Vinny Testaverde to come running out to hit the damn thing. Finally, finally, Jay hits the top piece, sending the meatball flying. I’m not sure what it says about Rupert’s meatball but the ball of meat barely looked touched. It was still round solid. Not a dent in it.

And that’s how we play the Late Show Holiday Quarterback Challenge.

You can hear Jay Thomas on Sirius Radio. When Sirius signed him on, 9 new people signed up for the satellite radio . . . . eventually.

ROSIE PEREZ: Back from commercial, we find Rosie already sitting with Dave. What happened? She hurt herself on the treadmill. She was listening to Beyonce on the iPod, started to dance, then fell from the moving treadmill. Picture Astro on the Jetsons. She is not one to take pain-killing narcotics but in this case, she gulped them down. Dave believes “pain is weakness leaving the body.” Hmmm. I always thought of pain as something better on someone else.

Rosie talks a lot about her growing up in Puerto Rico and how she loves going back to see had dad. Dave says he would like to accompany her back there one day. The only time he’s spent in Puerto Rico was in a layover at the airport. Dave wants to see the fluorescent jellyfish.

ACT 5: Throughout the program, we showed some of our men and women in the military extending their greetings to family and friends.
1. CPL Nathan Bryant
2. SGT Mark Bancaya
3. SGT Tina Resch
4. MAJ Jay Block
5. MSgt Andre P. Coleman
6. CDR Robert Douglass
7. CPL Chris Daehne
8. 1st LT. Adele Burks
9. CPT Jeanne Savage
10. LTC David Basile

DARLENE LOVE: Singing for her 13th time on Dave’s show, “Christmas, Baby, Please Come Home.” Throughout the year, I may go out to watch a music performance perhaps 4 times. This is always one of them. Dang, the lady can sing. I don’t know music but boy oh boy, I would pay good money to sit in her audience anytime. Darlene Love puts on quite a performance. An absolutely sensational rendition. And it was fun to see Bruce Kapler descend from the rafters blowing on his saxophone.

During the commercial break, Darlene sings “Silent Night.” Beautiful, all around.

And that was our Christmas show for Friday December 23, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

From me to you. Enjoy the holidays everyone. www.cbs.com/holiday2005/

Next week’s Previously Viewed Programs.
MONDAY: From November 17; Show #2462
Howard Stern and Pharrell. PLUS: Tom Hanks with a Top Ten List; and Bob Borden Competes in a Demolition Derby.
TUESDAY: From November 10; Show #2457
Steve Martin and from American Choppers, The Teutels, Paul and Paulie, Jr. Plus a top ten from 18-year-old mayor Michael Sessions.
WEDNESDAY: From November 15; Show #2460
Joaquin Phoenix, Sebastien Bourdais, and Trisha Yearwood.
THURSDAY: From December 12; Show #2474
Jack Black, and Sinead O’Connor. Plus a top ten from Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush.
FRIDAY: From November 16; Show #2461
Ellen DeGeneres, and The Color Purple. Plus, Where in the World is Biff Henderson?

Good night, everyone! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy New Year. I can’t believe I’ve done another year of this. May the new year rid me of this albatross.