Dave sheds some light revealing why he is what he is. Leaving work last night, he went to his car and parked right behind was one of those tour buses with load of tourists just leaving a Broadway show. One yells out, “Monkey Boy!” Another wanted to take Dave’s picture. Dave waited while the elderly gentleman prepared his camera. Meanwhile, the man’s wife urged, “C’mon, Leon, take his picture!” And then another came up to Dave and said, “Hey, David Letterman. Glad to see you! You’re my favorite news man.”

I guess it’s true what they say about Americans. . . . . most of us get our news from the late night talk shows.

Did you see the solar eclipse today? If you were in parts of Africa and Asia, you were privileged to see a total eclipse of the sun. Some were quite surprised about the event. We see a clip of one such surprised citizen.
It’s Osama with his buddy. Osama is speaking: “… and so our brave jihad fighters will destroy the unbelievers . . . .” The shot of Osama darkens, until it is totally black.
Osama: “… What the hell? Where’s the sun going?” Osama’s buddy gets a scared. Osama comforts him.
Osama: “I’m right here, little buddy. I don’t know what’s going on, but we’ll get through this!”
The scene soon lightens.
Osama: “There, see, Mr. Sun came back! It was just an evil trick by the infidels. Where was I? Oh yes, jihad. We will achieve total victory in this glorious . . .”

Georgia College and State University has begun to use iPods as a teaching tool. They figure so many students have them, why not put to good use? We got our hands on one of the audio textbooks the students have been using. We hear a bit from “Introduction to Physics.”
Narrator: (monotone) “There is a D with a little 2 over it and then an XY and then this weird-looking letter which kinds looks like B, but it’s not a B. Then there’s a V. then, there’s a weird looking G, not as weird as the B form before, but weird in it’s own right, and beneath that is another D with a very tiny S over it and then a little 2 . . .” And it goes on and on.

The President’s new Chief of Staff has hit the ground running. To get to know Joshua Bolten a little better, we’re pleased to debut a new segment entitled, “The Bolten File.” We see a clip.
Announcer: “From March of 1999 through November of 2000, Joshua Bolten was policy director of the Bush-Cheney presidential campaign. Thanks to his quick thinking, the body of the first guy Cheney shot has never been found.”

GEORGE W. BUSH LIP TWITCH: it’s something new. From a March 20th speech in Cleveland, we see Bush: “America and our allies are safer for it.” And then . . . . . . a lip twitch.

ASK DONALD TRUMP’S BABY: We have him here tonight, Donald Trump’s brand new baby, Barron William Trump. He’s agreed to answer questions from the audience. Dave has a list of questions; two stagehands wheel out a bassinet. Inside is Barron Trump.
1. Do you ever cry like other babies?
“Only when my father puts on that Christmas CD he made with Regis.” Rim shot.
2. My 10-month old son still hasn’t said his first words, and you’re already speaking in full sentences. Should I be concerned?
“No, 10 to 12 months is pretty typical for a kid to start talking. I’m an exception --- I think it’s a side effect of all the Viagra and Botox.
3. Have you had a lot of visitors since you were born?
“Yes, and FYI: Larry King looks worse in person than he does on TV, if that’s possible."
4. Who do you think will win ‘American Idol’?
“The gay guy.” Dave asks, “I’m sorry, which is the gay one? “Ah, they’re all gay.”
5. Where are your parents? Are they backstage?
“No, Mom’s at a Vogue party and Dad’s catching amateur night at Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club.”
6. Do you watch your Dad’s show, ‘The Apprentice’?
“And miss ‘Two and a Half Men’! Are you nuts?”
7. Are you eating solid foods yet?
“Yes, I enjoy delicious Fig Newtons from Nabisco. . . . . I just made ten grand!"
8. I’m in the market for a new car and I was wondering if you have any recommendations.
“I don’t know much about cars . . . . Ask Britney Spears’ kid --- he’s always driving when his Mom’s too drunk to get home.”
9. I have a question about your father. Is that his real hair?
“It’s a transplant made of baboon hair.”
10. My friend and I have a bet about the show ‘Lost.’ He says the island is just an island, while I say it’s an experimental lab secretly run by the government. Who’s correct?
“You’re both wrong. The island is an earthly manifestation of Hell, kind of like this piece-of-crap show. Okay, I gotta go. Happy Hump Day.”

And that was Barron William Trump.

PAT FARMER’S “ANYTHING CAN BE MUSICAL”: We find Pat by the spiral staircase.
Pat: “Anything can be musical! Like this socket wrench. Listen.” Pat begins to band the socket wrench against the spiral staircase. Yes, the audience began to clap along. Dave listens. Pat does not stop. Dave has heard enough and calls for Pat’s attention. Pat is either ignoring Dave or does not hear him. Pat continues to band his socket wrench. A frustrated Dave asks, “Is Jimmy here?” We find Jimmy the security guy standing along the wall in the audience. Jimmy quickly approaches Pat and tasers our head stagehand right on the ribs. Pat falls fast to the ground. Dave thanks Jimmy, who was only following orders.

TOP TEN: Signs Your Kitty is Nuts – There is a crazed cat named “Lewis” in Fairfield, Connecticut that has attacked half-a-dozen people and is terrorizing an entire neighborhood. A restraining order has been placed on “Lewis” and he is currently under house arrest.
#6. You caught him sharing bag of catnip with Whitney Houston’s cat.
#5. The toy he is playing with is grandpa’s ear.

Back from commercial, we see the crew crawling under Dave’s desk to fix a broken light. Dave is relieved to learn he isn’t crazy. For awhile there he feared this didn’t happen even though he swore he saw it.

JOSH HARTNETT: He’s in Lucky Number Slevin and has a bit of a love scene with Lucy Liu. It was her first movie love scene. How did that go? Any off-camera homework? Unfortunately, what was shot for the movie was only the before and after love scene, none of the meat and potatoes, no pun intended.
Josh comes from a show-biz family, with his dad being a member of the funk/soul group, “Salt, Pepper, and Spice.” Josh didn’t come right out and say it, but I think his dad was the “Salt.”
Lucky Number Slevin – opens April 7th.

CHRIS ELLIOTT: Always a favorite of mine. I remember way back in the 80s while a rookie in the NYPD, I was asked in the locker room who was my favorite actor. I said, “Chris Elliott,” not expecting anyone to know who I was talking about. No one did, except one guy about 6 rows away. He laughed out loud at my answer and came running over to see who said that. It was an aged and respected veteran in the department who found a kindred spirit in me. My low rookie status around the stationhouse was quickly elevated due to my connection with the curmudgeoned 25-year-man, all because of my answer, “Chris Elliott.”
Chris has a little something for Dave for his upcoming 50th birthday. Dave corrects Chris, telling him he is actually turning 59. Chris is relieved because he’s been telling everyone that Dave looks terrible for 50 years old. The gift is a photograph from years back that Dave had given Chris. Chris thought this would be a good time to give back. Chris opens the wrapped gift for Dave, which is a photo of the two from the Late Night days. Dave added a note to the photo all those years ago, which read, “Chris, I promise to pay back every penny one day --- your friend, ‘The Mooch.’ Chris reminisces back to those fun days, claiming they were each at the top of their game back then. He then adds, “Every man wanted to know us; every woman wanted to shtupp us.”
Chris Elliott is in Scary Movie 4. It opens April 14th. I saw one of the Scary Movies on the cable the other night and I found it pretty funny . . . . stupid, but funny.

ACT 5: “It’s time for ‘On This Day in Beverage History!’ March 29th, 1753 was a landmark date in the history of beverage enjoyment. One that day, the Earl of Shaftesbury became the first person ever to drink a cold beverage and then say, ‘Ahhhhh.’
This has been ‘On The Day in Beverage History!’ Tell your friends.”

Should that have been “On This DATE in Beverage History” instead of “On This DAY”?
And while I’m at it . . . when I say “In other words” . . . . is it “In other words” or is it “Another words.”

YEAH YEAH YEAHS: From their CD, “Show Your Bones,” Yeah Yeah Yeahs performed “Gold Lion.” And that was our show for Wednesday March 29, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

For Tuesday’s show featuring “Name That College Fight Song” at Rupert’s, I looked up the fight songs for the remaining Final Four teams in the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament. I found the LSU Tigers’ fight song is “Fight for LSU.”
UCLA Bruins: “Mighty Bruins.”
Florida Gators: “Orange & Blue.”
George Mason Patriots: Nothing. I couldn’t find George Mason’s fight song. Most of the fight songs I looked up included “football” in the lyrics, making me think that fight songs are geared towards the gridiron. It made me wonder if George Mason has a football team, since I couldn’t find a George Mason fight song. But hold it! I decided to make one more check for the George Mason fight song. I found the song . . . . but I still don’t have a title to it. And are there words?

Here are the words to the UCLA Bruins Fight Song

“Mighty Bruins”

We are the Mighty Bruins,
The best team in the West.
We’re marching on to victory,
To conquer all the rest.
We are the Mighty Bruins,
Triumphant evermore.
You can hear from far and near,
The Mighty Bruin roar!
U! (3 claps)
C! (3 claps)
L! (3 claps)
A! (3 claps)
U-C-L-A! Fight! Fight! Fight!

From a website that I’ve forgotten:

Jeopardy premiered on March 30, 1964, at 11:30 A.M. Eastern time. The first categories in the Jeopardy round were Television, Women, Fictional Characters, Odds and Ends, American History, and Science; Double Jeopardy categories on the first episode were U.S. Geography, Sports, The Funnies, Words, Opera, and Famous Names. The first Final Jeopardy answer, under the category Famous Quotes, was "'Good night sweet prince' was originally said to him" (correct question: Who was Hamlet?). Mary Eubanks of North Carolina was the show's first champion, winning $345.

The theoretical maximum win for a single day of Jeopardy! is $566,400. However, this requires choosing all of the Daily Doubles last and that they are all placed behind the lowest valued clues, which the odds are 3,288,600 to 1 against (assuming they are randomly placed, which they are not), wagering everything for each Daily Double, and again wagering everything in Final Jeopardy! Depending on placement and order of the Daily Doubles, a so-called "perfect game" (every question correct, always maximum wager when called to do so) can range from $208,000 to $566,400, with a mean of $374,400. The current one-day record is $75,000, set by Ken Jennings on July 23, 2004.
The top money-winner at the end of "Final Jeopardy!" is the day's champion and returns to the next show.

During the 1964 NBC and 1974 syndicated versions, all three contestants kept whatever cash they won. On the syndicated once-a-week version which aired from 1974-75, the winner chose one of 30 spaces, each of which concealed a prize such as a vacation, a car, or cash. The top prize was $25,000 in cash.

Before 1979, all contestants won their winnings in cash. Since 1984, in an attempt to discourage "runaway consolations" (where second- and third-place players keep money as close to that of the first-place winner as possible), only the champion wins the amount of money accumulated on the show, and the other two contestants win consolation prizes. However, in 2002, it was changed so that the second place finisher gets $2,000 and the third place finisher gets $1,000. The change was made so that contestants who had to pay to travel to Los Angeles would at least win enough money to cover airfare and lodging costs.

Happy Birthday, Jay Johnson.