On the show tonight, Jennifer Garner, Harry Hill, and Mary Cheney. Dave has a couple questions for Mary. One is what it was like when she told her parents she was a lesbian. The other is about her father's hunting accident. Dave says about Cheney shooting, "For 2 people it was not good; the Vice President and the guy he shot. For us here it was tremendous!"

The National Security Agency has been assembling a database of phone calls placed by tens of millions of Americans over the last several years. Dave was able to get a copy of his phone logs from his buddy Doug at the NSA. Dave shows a copy of his phone calls, starting from the first of the year in 2002.
1/01/02 - 8:59 PM - Domino's Pizza
1/01/02 - 9:02 PM - Elite Escort Service
1/02/02 - 8:41 PM - Domino's Pizza
1/02/02 - 8:44 PM - Elite Escort Service
1/03/02 - 9:09 PM - Domino's Pizza
1/03/02 - 9:16 PM - Elite Escort Service
etc, etc, etc.
Wow! Hey, Dave, I'm impressed. I never knew you had to feed them, too!

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We hear FDR's " . . . the only thing we have to fear" speech. We hear JFK's "ask not what your country can do for you" speech. We hear George W. Bush's speech, "I played bbbbblblbllbbbbbblblblb."

LATE SHOW FUN FACTS - he got these facts from his pal Doug at the United States Census Bureau.
-one quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet
-earth is the only planet not named after a God
-it is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open
-camel have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand
-more people are allergic to cow's mile than any other food
-the average person laughs ten times a day
-although he did, Thomas Edison never received credit for inventing the flat front chino
-the first bowling ball was just called a ball
-the biggest American fear is public speaking. The second is accidentally ingesting raw lamb
-in 2010, the state of New Jersey will be known simply as Jersey
-No one has ever written their congressman
-The colors of the original stop light were red, yellow, and salmon
-The most common nickname is "Rico"
-The best-selling DVD of all time is Season 3 of "Banacek"
-Those who knew him say Benito Mussolini did an amazing Porky Pig impression
-Walt Whitman's dying words were "Kiss my ass"
-Every year, surgeons leave an average of five cell phones inside patients
-96% of wrong numbers involve a guy saying, "Larry?"

Dave decides to do one more . . . .

-the United States border with Mexico is over 200 miles long but only 6 inches wide The first 6 fun facts were actual facts.

JENNIFER GARNER: She's married to Ben Affleck. During the 2004 World Series, I saw Jennifer on TV with Ben Affleck at Fenway Park. I got angry at Ben for taking a girl to the World Series when I was sure Ben had lots of childhood friends who have lived and died with the Bosox for the past 30 years. Ben should have taken them! I was very mad at Ben. Then I received an e-mail from a friend of Ben's who wrote that Ben indeed took some of his friends to the game. It's just that FOX did not show them or mention it, and when you think of it, FOX didn't need to. I jumped to a conclusion and I was wrong. I apologized to Ben as soon as I found out. Anyway, back to our show. Ben and Jennifer are now married and they have a 5-and-a-half month old baby girl. Did they have a big wedding? Jennifer says it was more of an elopement. Jennifer then begins to flirt with Dave. Dave not accustomed to such things, Dave pleads for her to stop it; "Please. I'm an old man with a heart condition."
Looking back on her childhood, Jennifer remembers it involving lots and lots of babysitting. She and her friend Carrie were a babysitting team and they wanted to save up for a set of walkie-talkies. Ahh, walkie-talkies. Dave says there is a time in every kid's life where there is nothing cooler than having walkie-talkies. That's true, but I wonder in this day and age of cell phones if this is still true. Jennifer and Carrie eventually got their walkie-talkies but found they only worked if both parties stood in a very specific location. I know what she means. The walkie-talkies I had only worked if you were 10 feet away from the other person. . . . and you had to shout. But she was please to find that the walkie-talkie would pick up trucker-talk on their CBs. Jennifer does some trucker-talk she picked up on her walkie-talkie. You don't get that kind of fun on a cell phone.
Jennifer's "Alias" series finale is this Monday night. There will be ghosts, some death, someone comes back, and someone makes a surprise appearance.

MARY CHENEY: the daughter of our Vice President. Ms. Cheney has written her autobiography, entitled, "Now It's My Turn." It's in stores now. Dave introduces Mary Cheney. She sits and Dave says, "Boy, that Jennifer Garner is good looking . . ." Mary Cheney agrees.
Dave gets right to the book and asks about its title, "Now It's My Turn." She explains that for the past 6 years, ever since her dad ran for V.P., everyone has had their opinion of her and freely expressed it. Now, it's her turn. Dave asks what it was like when she told her parents that she was a lesbian. She told them when she was a junior in high school. It was quite a day. On the same day she told her parents, she also wrecked the family car . . . while she was cutting school. (Hey, Mary, nice misdirection!) Was she nervous to tell her parents? Mary says she wasn't and their reaction was "we love you and just want you to be happy." Mary's sister is "aggressively straight," about to have her 5th child.
Dave asks if she works as an advocate for the homosexual community for the Administration. She says she does not because that is not her job.
Dave asks Mary gay couples not allowed to file jointly for federal taxes. He then asks about how gay couples cannot receive their partner's social security benefits after he or she passes away. What she thinks about these topics is "in the book." Being the daughter of the Vice President, couldn't she influence or have a bigger influence in these policies? Mary says that is not her job in the Administration.
In the last election, was she conflicted with the Administration's policies towards homosexuality? Mary says the last campaign's main focus was national security. It was of the utmost importance in the last election, an election that was more important than one single issue. Dave presses on. Couldn't she have used her position to benefit the gay community more so? Mary responds that her position was to be a member of the Bush Administration. It was her job to benefit the Administration first. It was not her job to represent homosexuals, but to represent the Administration. The back and forth continued with both Dave and Mary making good points.

ACT 5: Alan taking a little smoke break.

Before introducing Harry Hill, Dave mutters, ". . . . Well, if my phone wasn't tapped before . . . ."

HARRY HILL: the nutty comedian from London has a new book coming out this fall entitled, "Tim, The Tiny Horse."
Harry talks about running over a pizza delivery boy.
His remote control submarine.
"Never say never. Ooops! I said it twice."
Dad had a tick. 3 horses always behind him.
Rapunzel had beautiful long hair. . . . and a huge muscular neck.
New sticker on his car: "No valuables left in the car at any time." But it's not true, hee hee hee.

"Do you like the lining? Do you like the lining?"

And that was our show for Friday, May 19, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Hey, look at that! It's raining out. It's been like this for the most of May. Well, at least it's good for the rhubarb.

Speaking of walkie-talkies and picking up stray trucker-talk, when my girls were infants we had a baby monitor in their room. When things were situated just right, we could pick up the phone conversation of our neighbor on her cordless phone. It was better than TV. I would sit in my rocker in my jammies and slippers by the fireplace, reading the newspaper, smoking an unlit pipe, listening to Mrs. Byrnes chat about recipes and the weather. It was fascinating stuff.

I saw a CD today which featured acoustic versions of the 80s Greatest Hits, and I said, "The 80s had hits?"

I heard Mary Cheney is already working on her next book. It's going to be called, "It's In The Book."

I saw a promo for "The Insider" today. One topic is about a 1,000-pound man and where he is now. We see some "before" shots. We see a tearful Richard Simmons saying to the man some time ago, "There are only two ways you will leave this place; dead or alive." Ever since I've been trying to think what other ways are possible.

I'm seeing these full-page ads from Christian leaders warning against the message in "The Da Vinci Code" and I can't help but think how that money could have been better put to use. I think they should have more faith in the faith of their flock.

I've been asked when the last time we had the CBS Mailbag.

The last CBS Mailbag was December 3, 2004.
From the 12/03/04 Wahoo Gazette:

LETTER #4. From Craig Moyzee of Brockville, Ontario: "Do you stay up every night to watch your own shows?" Dave says he doesn't but our stagehand Pat Farmer has a show "that I never miss." He turns to Pat, "Isn't that right?" Pat: "That's right. It's called ‘Surprise! You're on TV!' Take a look."
We see an evening scene out on Broadway. Pat Farmer narrates. "This guy is just trying to put some money in the parking meter. Little does he know we have a surprise in store for him. Watch closely."
We see the guy putting coins in the meter. Suddenly, Pat Farmer enters and whacks the guy in the groin with a baseball bat. The guy falls to the ground in pain, but at the same time feeling glad he was asked to participate knowing he would be receiving an AFTRA acting payment in a couple weeks. Pat Farmer exclaims to the fellow thespian, "Surprise! You're on TV!"

"Mike, can I be the cameo reader mention on May 20? You made me the mention exactly 6 years ago on my honeymoon. Six years of marriage and we're enthusiastically happy and exuberant! Yee Haw!"

6 years ago on his honeymoon and now on his 6th Anniversary, Steven Ford writes about the love of his life and not once does he mention his wife by name! As hard as it may be to believe, I remember typing that up 6 years ago and thinking it odd that the guy just got married and didn't mention his wife's name. And he still doesn't mention his wife's name now 6 years later. I'm sorry, Steven, but until you mention your wife's name, you will not get a Cameo Mention. No Cameo Mention for you!

Saturday is Armed Forces Day. What will Google have?