STUMP THE BAND: It's something we borrowed from Johnny Carson. Paul must have gotten the wrong memo because he was all set to play Carnac. Paul holds up a sealed envelope to his forehead and foretells the answer to the question inside. Says the all-knowing Paul: "Perfume, lingerie, and Charlie Sheen." Paul then opens the envelope to read the question: "Name 3 things you're likely to find on a whore."

It's Fleet Week here in New York City, from May 24-30th. It is New York City's 19th Annual Fleet Week, a city celebration of the Sea Services: United States Navy, United States Marines, and the United States Coast Guard.
- over 4,000 sailors, marines, and Coast Guardsmen will arrive in the city for the 7-day salute. Welcome!

STP#1. Lieutenant Junior Grade Carne Livingston from Seattle, Washington. He's been in the Navy for 3 years and a member of the U.S.S. Ramage, a destroyer. Read up on it at:
http://www.ramage.navy.mil/
What does Carne have for us? His song is called, "Johnny Verbeck." Paul excitedly jumps in and can't believe the song is "Johnny Verbeck" since he and the band have been performing that recently when they go on the road. To the tune of "Baby Come Back" by Player, Paul and the band sing:
"Johnny Verbeck
He went on ‘Jeopardy'
But he was wrong
He didn't answer in the form of a question.
Alex Trebek,
Took the points from Johnny V
Said Goodbye
And the game goes on without you."

Great song, but it was the wrong song. Carne does his number and gets prizes.

STP#2: Midshipman Roger L. Misso from Red Creek, New York, up by Lake Ontario. He too is on the U.S.S. Ramage. Dave asks the Midshipman, "So what happens when they find you on another part of the ship?"
Rogers song: "Fight For the Navy"
Unbelievably, Paul and the band know this song, too. To the tune of Kung Fu Fighting:
"Everybody got to fight for the Navy
Those chicks ain't no wacs, they're wavy
They never say no, just maybe
So we got to fight for the Navy
Everybody say Fight, Fight!"

Good song. Wrong song. Roger sings his number and gets prizes for his work.

STP#3: Midshipman Thomas Thiel of Minneapolis, Minnesota. What's there to do in Minneapolis? Thomas says he goes ice fishing, Polar Bear diving, and some more fishing. What is Polar Bear diving? You go out on a frozen lake, cut open a 6 foot by 6 foot hole in the ice . . . and jump in. Yikes. To warm up you get out and run around.
Thomas' song: "The Goat is Old and Gnarly" - Assisting Thomas tonight is his Navy buddy, Sam.
Once again, Paul and the band know this song. To the tune of Sinatra's "Love and Marriage."
"Old and Gnarly
old and gnarly
the goat is looking just a bit Jack Tarly
Likes his oats with gravy
The goat's the mascot of the Navy."

Fine song, just not the right song. Thomas and Sam sing their version and they get prizes for their work.

And that was Stump the Band.

IMMIGRANT SUCCESS STORIES: "Henry Kissinger arrived in the United States as a young man, and rose to prominence in the political arena despite his strange German accent, his sleazy sexual behavior, and his use of performance-enhancing steroids. . . . . no, wait . . . that's Arnold Schwarzenegger." We cut to a shot of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the current Governor of California, of him dancing with a lovely curvaceous woman who is clad scant.

TRUE TALES OF LATE SHOW INTERNS: Glamorous? Oh, no. Dave thought one day, "Hey, why don't we dramatize these stories the interns live. So we did. We see an intern hard at work. We hear his thoughts; we see his actions.
"Late one night, after the show, I sneaked out quietly and made my way down to the Ed Sullivan Theater. When I stepped inside, I was speechless. So much history has been made on this stage. I then did what most people only dream of . . . I sat in Dave's chair, naked." We see the intern sitting in Dave's chair. He is naked.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We hear FDR's " . . . the only thing we have to fear" speech. We hear JFK's "ask not what your country can do for you" speech. We hear George W. Bush's speech, "I know where we've been through . . . what we've been through!"

HALLE BERRY: She's Storm in "X-Men: The Last Stand." She controls the weather. C'mon, Storm, throw us a couple "70s and sunny" for the next week! Dave comments on Halle's beautiful bouncing brown eyes. He's never quite seen anything like that on anyone. He then advises, "Maybe you should get it checked." Halle was recently named in People magazine as one of the world's 100 most beautiful people. She was voted in as "Best Eyebrows." Wow. Dave, too, was named by the magazine. Dave flips to his page. We see his photo and in the upper corner, reads, "Shockingly Still Alive!" He was named for his "Most Marmot-Like Hair."
Halle is back from the Cannes festival in France. Fun? She says it is, but when you have a movie to plug, the fun is crowded with lots and lots of work.
Is she dating? Going out? She admits to having little luck with men and wonders, "What do men like?" You don't need to be a mind reader to know what Dave was thinking. Dave talks about his marriage, saying he was once married for 12 years; the first 2 being blissfully happy. The next 7 or so, not so much. When that was all over, he decided, "Well, I won't be doing that again." Halle understands, but says she still wants to date. Dave exclaims he does too, but can't anymore.
She says she is currently dating a model . . . who is about to open a restaurant here in New York City. The name of the restaurant? "Café Fuego." Dave says, "I don't know if that is going to work. . . ." He then performs a one-man show of someone calling to make a reservation. "Cafe Fuego? The restaurant is on fire? Then I'm not coming." Halle Berry's "X-Men: The Last Stand" opens Friday.

ACT 5: It's time for Late Show Time Wasters. We see Alan starring at the camera. And staring at the camera. And staring at the camera.
"This has been ‘Late Show Time Wasters.' Go screw yourselves."

JESSE JAMES: He's from the Discovery Channel's "Monster Garage." And he has a special on the Discovery Channel this Sunday entitled, "Iraq Confidential with Jesse James." Dave opens with, "So how's things going?" Jesse answers, "Cool." Dave is a fan of the "Monster Garage" show and asks about Jesse's mission of building a car into an airplane. Dave says once the car is an airplane, then it isn't a car anymore but a plane. Jesse thinks for a moment and simply says, "I don't have all the answers, man."
Then the two talk about welding. Dave was a very interested student in the discussion; Jesse obviously a very enthusiastic and passionate teacher. You could easily see his love of welding. From what I know about Dave, he appreciates anyone who has a passion for his craft. Jesse gives a quick lesson on how to weld. It sounds dangerous but Jesse says it really isn't. You can get some burns, but that's all. Jesse finds most of his burns come when he is admiring his work. He will stand back and look at what he's done. He will relax just a bit and drop the hot solder rod thing and accidentally touch his leg. OUCH! And this Sunday on the Discovery Channel, Jesse is in a special entitled, "Iraq Confidential with Jesse James." He spent 4 months with the troops offering a bit of R&R building cars and rebuilding damaged Humvees and stuff; anything to keep their mind off what they were facing over there. He admits that the morale of the troops is pretty low right now. The war isn't as "popular" as it first was so celebrities aren't going over for a quick publicity spike. He says the soldiers haven't seen anyone in years. The war is controversial and few want to be associated with it. What has he learned over there that's changed him? Jesse admits he's been humbled and now realizes his problems are trivial compared to what our men and women in uniform are facing.
Jesse James - good dude. Watch for his "Iraq Confidential with Jesse James" Sunday night at 9:00 PM on the Discovery Channel.

And that was our show for Thursday, May 25, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Al Gore is back in the news these days. Yeesh, talk about "An Inconvenient Truth."

Met fans are giddy with glee with their team in first place in the National League East. If that bothers you, you can wipe their smile off their face by saying these two words: "Scott Kazmir." That should do it.
One of the worst things you can have on any sports team is a General Manager in the last year of his contract.

Hey, Beatles fans, the Fab Faux are performing at Webster Hall in New York City May 30th and May 31st. For more information, check out: http://www.thefabfaux.com/

When you're roasting weenies on Monday, instead of thinking of Taylor Hicks, spend a moment thinking of the men and women who gave their all for our country.

That's it for tonight. I'm going home. I got a vacation waiting for me.