Cold open: We see Dave sitting with our old friend Jude . Dave attempts to make conversation.
Dave: "Big plans for the 4th?"
Jude: "No."
Dave: "I was thinking maybe you might want to come over and we could grill up some burgers."
Jude: (beat) "We're not friends. I don't like you. You use money and fame to bully those around you. You're actually the most unlikable person it's ever been my misfortune to know."
Dave: (beat) "If you don't want to do burgers, we could maybe go see a movie."
And then we see the show open; music from Paul; announce from Alan.

Dave says he's often stopped on the street and people will say, "Hey, Dave, you look great!" It's probably because of his new diet. Dave has recently lost 100 pounds. How'd he do it? He's tried all the diets abut finally has come across one that works. Here's a tip on how to lose 100 pounds like Dave . . . "You only eat things you find in your pocket."
That's a peculiar strategy, but if it works, it works. And back in the shack, one of the Stangels suggests we get a cookie and put it in Dave's pocket. Somewhere during the show Dave would then take out the cookie and eat it.

Dave heard the perfect story today. It involves three people; two still work here, one left recently. Dave is concerned that by telling the story it may break a confidence of secrecy, but since it is a perfect story, that doesn't quite matter. He's going to tell it.

One of the workers recently left the show. We'll call her Rhonda . She left for a producer gig at another show. It was a big step up for her; earning her good money; enabling her to buy a house; enabling her to produce her own TV show. It was a real good success story. And then someone on our staff who still works here decided to send her a congratulatory gift. We'll call him Larry . Larry was leafing through a gift catalog and sees a gift basket. Larry says to himself, "I bet Rhonda would like this." So he circled the item in the catalog, took out his credit card and gave it to his assistant --- we'll call her Debbie --- with the instructions, "Send this to Rhonda." Three days later Larry gets a call from Rhonda. Rhonda says, "Oh . . . thank you so much for the catalog." DOH!

The United States World Cup Soccer team was eliminated from the World Cup last week, but they deserve our applause. And we have them here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the United States World Cup Soccer Team!
Out rides our fat Lance Armstrong guy on a bicycle. Dave is confused. Why do we have the guy who looks like a fat Lance Armstrong? We're supposed to have the United States World Cup Soccer team. There's going to be a meeting after the show, I'm sure.

Out on 53rd Street we have something very exciting. It's the X-Treme Air Skydiving Simulator . The simulator uses a 1200 horsepower Detroit diesel engine which drives a DC-3 airplane propeller. The propeller creates a vertical wind tunnel with wind speeds up to 155 mph. We get a sample of what this thing can do. The X-Treme Air Skydiving Simulator is turned on and a guy jumps into the vertical wind tunnel. He floats in mid-air as if he were skydiving. He's able to adjust his height of flight from just a few inches to 30 feet into the air. Hey, that's pretty cool.
When I saw this in rehearsal, and then I saw we were having the fat Lance Armstrong, I "Played the Dave" and hinted to our Lance guy to be prepared to give the X-Treme Air a try during the show. It was something I thought may develop. It didn't come to pass.

It looks like Adam Sandler has another hit on his hands with the new film, "Click." It's the number 1 movie in the country, having earned $40 million in its opening weekend.
Dave saw the movie and was a little surprised at the odd disclaimer at the top of the show.
Announcer:

"Warning: the following film, while a lighthearted comedy, does contain disturbing images. In addition to manipulating time, the magical remote control also emits unauthorized radio frequencies that cause area garage doors to open and close at unpredictable intervals, sometimes jamming in the half-way open position. While fictional, this scenario constitutes a violation of FCC regulations, and results in graphic scenes of frustrations among homeowners and unsettling disruptions of their travel plans. Viewer discretion is advised."

Have you seen the trailer for the new film, "The Devil Wears Prada "? It looks like its going to be an interesting movie. Take a look.
Announcer:

"This summer, Anne Hathaway stars as a naïve Northwestern University graduate Andy Sachs, a young woman who arrives in New York with big dreams of becoming a journalist, only to find herself in the thankless job as personal assistant to the most tyrannical, ruthless bastard in all of media." (cut to shot of Dave) "'The Devil Wears Prada'. In theaters, June 30th."

Ever since he made his trip to Iraq, it seems President Bush is obsessed with pulling these surprises. We take a look at what he did yesterday.
Announcer:

"Yesterday, President Bush lied to the press and said he was going to spend a quiet day at Camp David. Instead, Bush got in an unmarked car, boarded Air Force One, flew to New York, and served as Grand Marshal of the Gay Pride Parade." (see shot of a flamboyant member of the Gay Pride Parade) "George W. Bush --- 29% and fallng."

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF THE WHITE HOUSE
10:00 AM: President Bush proposes immigration bill to admit more hot Brazilian babes into the country
11:00 AM: In honor of the warm weather, Dick Cheney shoots people with a water pistol
11:30 AM: President ends cabinet meeting early to see "Nacho Libre"
1:00 PM: The President makes a top-secret 5-hour surprise visit to a golf course
2:00 PM: While dehydrated and suffering from heat stroke, Bush correctly pronounces the word "nuclear"
3:00 PM: Dick Cheney spreads 3 gallons of sunblock over his enormous, whale-like body
3:30 PM: Bush cools down by setting the thermostat to his current approval rating
4:00 PM: While everyone is on summer vacation, all domestic and international matters are left in the hands of Larry, the Summer Intern
6: 00 PM: John Kerry mows the lawn
7:00 PM: Mary Cheney judges wet T-shirt contest at Hooters

KEVIN SPACEY : Kevin is living in England these days and is the Artistic Director of the Old Vic theater in London. He's been running the theater for two years now and it's an experience he thoroughly enjoys. In one of the first benefits they threw at the Old Vic as Kevin as the Artistic Director involved a performance with Elton John and Courtney Love. Courtney dressed as a duck, a costume made famous by Elton John. During the performance, Courtney slowly rid herself of the costume. So here Kevin was just off stage of the famed Old Vic Theater watching the proceedings with Peter O'Toole. Kevin was mortified. How could this be happening on THIS stage and with him in charge? After what seemed like an eternity of watching this, Peter O'Toole exclaims, "She's a good duck!"
Now that Kevin lives in England, has he gotten taken in by the World Cup? Kevin is excited about the "football" being played and proud of the English team who are still one of the final 8. Englanders like to start their day of "football" by going to the pub at 11:00 AM and start drinking . . . and drinking . . . . and drinking. By 4:00 PM, it feels like you've played in the game yourself.

When Kevin was just a kid, one of his first summer jobs was working as a shoe salesman in Hollywood. To entertain himself, he would do impressions of celebrities trying to sell shoes. Kevin offers some Jimmy Stewart and some Cary Grant. Kids, Jimmy Stewart and Cary Grant are famous Hollywood actors from a long time ago. They lived mostly in black and white.
Dave's read a lot about Kevin's friendship with former President Clinton. Is it real or is it one of those, "Hey, how you doing?" type friendships. Kevin says he has an actual friendship and often spends time with the President when he comes to London. Kevin will usually get a half-hour notice with a phone call from Bill, "Hey, I'm in town." Kevin suddenly recalls his first appearance on Late Night all those years ago. He remembers it being a losing effort, totally bombing. He remembers telling a story that went absolutely nowhere. I'll have to do a bit of research to see if it showed through to the viewer.

And of course, no visit from Mr. Spacey would be complete without his doing an impression of Johnny Carson. Kevin does one of the best Johnnys out there. Surprisingly, Tom Smothers also does a very good Johnny Carson. I'd like to do impression but I'm not very good. The only person I can do is Rich Little. With the original Paul Anka Tonight Show music from Paul to intro the bit, Kevin does some fabulous Carson. And with the right makeup and wardrobe, I'm sure Kevin could pass for the mighty Carson.

Kevin Spacey is in the summer blockbuster, "Superman Returns." It opens Wednesday. And we see a clip. But it's not the actual "Superman Returns" clip. It's a pre-George Reeves TV Superman clip in black and white. I always enjoy seeing how the celebrities react when he fool them with a fake clip. I sense when we get to the time for the clip, the guest is finally able to relax. It's very stressful doing the show and a lot of work goes into it. By "clip" time, the guest is exhausted and very relieved the preparation and performance is near over. That's my guess, anyway. So the celeb feels they can finally relax once they introduce the clip, and then BAM! It's a gotcha! Fake clip. Oh no no no, you can't relax yet. There's no relaxing until you're in the car on your way home.
The celebrities always seem to enjoy the joke.

"Superman Returns" - it opens Wednesday. Before saying goodnight, Kevin says he wants to give the X-Treme Air a ride out on 53rd. Would Dave be joining Kevin? Dave says he can't because of his toupee.

BIFF HENDERSON'S WHERE THEY WOULD HAVE GONE FOR THEIR SUMMER VACATION
We find Biff center stage in a swami robe and wrapped-hat. He sits in front of a crystal ball. The lights are dim.
Biff: "Tonight, I will determine where the late Pat Morita would have gone for his summer vacation if he were alive today. I will not go into a trance. Do not be alarmed."
The lights lower even more. Eerie swami music is heard from Paul. The image of Pat Morita appears for a moment in Biff's crystal ball. Biff gets his answer.
Biff: "Carlsbad Caverns in Carlsbad, New Mexico."

ACT 5 : It's Kevin Spacey flying on the X-Treme Air Skydiving Simulator

THE STREETS : The Streets ain't a group. The Streets is a he. From his CD, "The Hardest Way to Make An Easy Living", The Streets performed "When You Wasn't Famous."

And that was our show for Monday, June 26, 2006 . Wahoo EXTRA!

When I read how Bill Gates and Warren Buffett are being so generous with their fortunes, I wonder who exactly is giving away the money . . . them or their children?

Who knew Rush Limbaugh was still so "hard up" for pills?

Ahhh, all must be right with the world. Today's front page of the New York Post headlines Nicole Kidman's marriage, NY Giants Michael Strahan's messy divorce, and the Yankees loss to the Florida Marlins. Ha! And you thought we had a war going on. . .
Nicole getting married. Who cares?
Michael Strahan getting a divorce? Who cares?
The Yanks losing to the Florida Marlins? OK, that's a big story but it belongs on the back page.

HEY! This is the 30th Anniversary of my high school graduation party. Back in the day when everything was Red White and Blue, I graduated high school. Also graduating that year was my brother from college and my younger brother from Junior High School. We somehow talked our parents into having a graduation party. They allowed it. They obviously did not know what was in store . . . and neither did I. Each of us graduates in the house invited our friends. Usually in high school if you were going to have a party at your house, you tried to keep it quiet because you knew it would be overrun with kids with a thirst for beer no matter how secretive your were. Well, the word got out that the McIntees were having a party and there was no way of getting the genie back in the bottle. Come June 26th at my house, the night before my graduation . . . . oh, about 1,000 people showed up. No lie, I'd say about 1,000 at least. Cars were parked on both sides of the street as far as you could see, and that was before teenagers had cars. There were only two ways into my neighborhood. Things got so bad that I had to go to the end of one street and not let anybody in, telling them to enter at the next street only. My street was for exiting only. This kept the traffic moving in one direction. With cars parked on both sides of the street, only one car could make it through. Police were eventually called, anonymously by my mom. Even they were impressed. They had me keep doing what I was doing with the traffic as the lingered around on foot. There were no problems; just a lot of kids. I heard one parent picking up his teenage child say quietly so no one would hear his adult thinking, "Oh, man, this is the greatest." I think I saw one police office at the party in plain clothes after he got off duty. Well, the McIntee party lived on for years and years. I even heard about it in college from people I had never met. Yes, it got out of hand but it was to be expected . . . after all, we had a keg. In fact now that I think of it, we kept the keg in the trunk of my Corvair and filled it with ice. Ahh, yes. My graduation party. I wish I could remember it.
And that's the way it was, 30 years ago today.

And speaking of 30 years ago . . . . I'll be heading to my 30th high school reunion next month on July 22nd. The way I picture it is a lot of us will get together the night before and lie about ourselves over drinks. At around 12:20 AM, I'll ask the bartender to turn on the Late Show. And right about then the ACT 5 will appear. I've already put in a request to have the ACT 5 for July 21st to feature Denise and my prom photo. I don't know yet, nor do I really care how it will be used but the request is in. I won't mention a thing to my high school pals, but I'll make sure they are watching.