Before coming out tonight, Dave says there were scores of people who told him his hair was sticking up. Was it? Who knows, but I don't think Dave wanted to hear it seconds before coming out.

Outside on 53rd Street we have a batting cage set up. I was asked during the day to be prepared to be the catcher. During the monologue, I'm told I would be pitching. What we were going to be doing I was still not sure. I would find out when the time came. I ran outside to get some throws in. I wanted to be able to groove the ball right across the plate when it came time for me to pitch . . . you know, like a relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. I remained out on 53rd Street for the entire show. I didn't see a lick of what when on inside. When I went home after the show, I planned on watching it on TV, but fell asleep during the Fantasia story. The following report is from someone's rundown of the show and from other sources.

Did you watch the PGA Championship this weekend? Once again, the great Tiger Woods was victorious, winning his 12th golf Major. And here tonight is our 2006 PGA Champion, Tiger Woods. Uh oh. Enters is not Tiger Woods, but a fat Floyd Landis riding his Tour de France bicycle. He rides across stage and out through the back of the theater. It was supposed to be Tiger Woods. There will be a meeting after the show, I'm sure.

The following was stolen from a man named Brady, who posted this report in the Late Show Letterman newsgroup. I'm using this without his permission but since it's for public viewing, who cares?

"Speaking of Tiger Woods, Dave heard an odd story this morning. He says it may be an urban myth or some sort of Internet-generated tale. He calls Stephanie to get the lowdown. (ME: Stephanie is Dave's assistant)
Dave is mystified that he has to dial the area code to reach his office upstairs. Anyway, he gets Stephanie on the line. Dave chats with her for a moment before she turns the phone over to their friend Amanda.
Amanda actually attended the PGA tournament over the weekend. Does she go to a lot of PGA tournaments? Oh, yeah. She likes to support the golfers. So Amanda heard this story about Tiger Woods. It seems that in the clubhouse, before the final round, Tiger asked one of the clubhouse boys to get him a Mountain Dew. Well, the clubhouse boy returned with a Diet Sprite. Tiger was not happy. He reminded the clubhouse boy that he wanted a Mountain Dew. The clubhouse boy responded by telling Tiger to get it himself. Tiger then ... beat the clubhouse boy to death with a golf club. Amanda thinks it was a putter. Wait a second. Did Amanda witness this? No, but her friend heard about it. So her friend didn't actually witness it either? No, she just heard about it. Amanda thinks it's true, though. She's pretty sure it's true. Oh, and then Tiger put golf tees in the guy's nostrils. Wow. This is quite a story. Amanda says she thinks the PGA is trying to keep in under wraps. She also heard that the PGA is going to fine Tiger $1500. So that's the current fine for a member beating a guy to death with a club? Apparently. Dave says it'll be a big deal if this thing gets out.
Later, Dave and Stephanie go outside to take turns hitting baseballs. Dave says they were supposed to have a baseball player from the Mets here tonight (ME: Carlos Beltran), but he couldn't make it because the entire team was going to see "Phantom of the Opera." Before that, they were attempting to get a guy from the Cardinals, (ME: Albert Pujols) but he ended up having family obligations or something. Since they already have a pitcher's mound, home plate and safety cage set up out on 53rd Street, Dave and Stephanie go outside themselves and take turns taking a few swings."

Employees at Starbucks are saying that many of the chain's New York shops are infested with rodents and insects. As you'd expect, Starbucks has acted quickly to resolve the situation.
Announcer:

"Starbucks employees recently revealed that many of the company's New York stores are overrun with insects and rodents. Naturally, cleanliness is a top priority at Starbucks, which is why we're introducing our new line of Anti-Vermin Coffees!
Say good-bye to pesky roaches with our delicious Boric Acid Macciato.
Fight off the spiders at your table with a robust Black Flag Expresso.
And for a limited time this summer, cool off with a creamy ice mousetrapapuccino.
Starbucks: When you're here, you're family."

GEORGE W. BUSH MIDDLE EAST UPDATE: From Monday's press conference, we hear the President proclaim, "Seersucker's coming back."

Hey, Seersucker is back!? That makes me happy. Time to make a trip to the attic!

This weekend, the New York Mets celebrated the 20th Anniversary of their 1986 team that won the World Series. And in this age where athletes seem to always be clouded in controversy, Dave was really moved by the tribute they put together. We take a look at a highlight from the tribute.
Announcer:

"It was 20 years ago when the unlikely New York Mets captured the hearts of sports fans everywhere by defeating the Boston Red Sox to win the World Series. And given the recent controversies in baseball, this historic New York Mets team should remind baseball fans everywhere of a time when players didn't have to resort to steroids to be called a champion. Back then, it was all hookers and blow. (photo of Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden).
Major League Baseball. . . Good times . . . Good times."

TOP TEN: Signs Osama bin Laden Is In Love With You - a former sex slave to Osama bin Laden has revealed in a book that Osama is madly in love with Whitney Houston. He says she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Dave comments that we should use this information as a means of capturing Osama. Plus, Dave says he never thought it would be possible for Whitney to make a worse choice than Bobby Brown, but apparently the possibility is there.
#7. You say you enjoy Barry Manilow . . . . next day he sends you Barry Manilow's ear.
#1. He says every time he thinks of you, there's an uprising in his pants.

PLAY BALL!
Stephanie is out on 53rd Street; Dave joins her. Dave has Stephanie grab a bat as Dave takes the mound. Making like Mike Timlin, Dave lobs some easy ones over the plate. Stephanie, like Bobby Abreu, linedrives them back at Dave. And then the rolls reverse.
Stephanie takes the mound and making like Rick Ankiel, struggles to find the plate. Dave picks out a few he likes and drives the ball for hit after hit. One shot hits the windshield of a yellow cab parked down the block. That satisfies Dave. And then we go to commercial. You may have seen me out on 53rd Street eager to help, but not knowing how or where.

Back from commercial, the waitress returns. She has a cupcake with a birthday candle on it. She wishes Dave a Happy Birthday. Dave thanks her, but then tells her that it isn't really his birthday. She says she wishes someone had told her. And then she exits.

JULIANNA MARGULIES: She's in the country's #1 film, "Snakes On A Plane." From the scribbled note on a staffer's rundown, I can report the topics covered were:
-snakes scare her
-a snake scene took 5 hours to re-set
-she's from New York City
-as a kid, her dad rented a house in the Hamptons for the summer where she picked corn
-a farmer called her a thief
-dad's advice upon entering show business: "Don't do crap" - (I wasn't there to hear but I would have "Played the Dave" and said "Well, you certainly didn't take his advice tonight.")
-her father won't see "Snakes On A Plane" but her mother will.
-Julianna's voice could be heard on commercials, selling everything from cars to vodka to Pampers.
-We see a clip from "Snakes On A Plane" - it's now in theaters.

ANDY SANSONE: a comedian, you may recognize him from Comedy Central's "Premium Blend." His new comedy CD is called, "E Equals MC Hammer." This is his first time here, and it shows. Andy starts out okay, but then he begins to falter. It becomes obvious that he's forgotten his routine. He regains his composure just for a second, and then loses it again. He decided to bail out of the one topic he's on, and goes onto to his next topic in his routine. He soon gets trip up on that. As hard as he tries to get back on track, he can't find his way. Searching for a foothold, Andy fails miserably. You can only feel utter sympathy for the poor guy. Andy panics. He then buries his head in his hands. With no way out, Andy screams "Mother 'Givl'er", throws down his microphone, and runs away. It was tragic.
Sure, Andy's appearance was disastrous, but at least he can now forever billboard his appearances at comedy clubs across the country, "As seen on the Late Show."

ACT 5: It's Alan Kalter relaxing, enjoying a cool refreshing smoke. But please, kids, don't try this at home.

OUTKAST: From their new album, "Idlewild", Oukast performed "Morris Brown." The CD comes out Tuesday. The film, "Idlewild", hits theaters this Friday, starring Andre 3000 and Big Boi.

And that was our show for August 21, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

It's all sports today. I didn't mean to, but it's all sports.

I know it's not possible, but with the 5-game Yankee/Red Sox series this weekend, it seems like I've watched 37 hours of baseball in 36 hours.

Little League World Series - I don't like it. Or what I mean is I don't like all the TV coverage. I think it's too much for 12 year olds. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe if I was there I would revel in it, but I doubt it.
I was watching Staten Island the other night playing a close 1-0 game, S.I. on the short end. After a fine double play started by their 2nd baseman, the team came in to the dugout for their final at-bat in the 6th inning. It was their last chance to tie the game and the coach called the players in for a quick pep talk. At the end, one of the pre-teen players yelped, "C'mon, we need just one 'givl'ing run!" I laughed at the kid being a kid, and then I laughed when the coach gave the kid a quick slap. It wasn't really a slap; it was more of a clip of the hand against the back of the head. No big deal. I've seen it a million times when I was a kid. It's all part of growing up in sports. But then the other grown-ups got involved as the swear word was picked up by the microphone on the manager and the camera shooting the scene. The kid was reprimanded for blurting the curse; the manager reprimanded for slapping the kid. Now the Little League officials are wagging a finger at the both of them and putting them on probation. Getting slapped by a coach or manager, and in this case a soft slap, is all part of the game. . . . at least it is in the eyes of this grownup kid who played the games in the 60s. Leave it alone. It was the heat of the moment. Both got caught up in the moment; both learned from it. There's no need to pile on. They should be told privately that what was seen and heard and leave it at that. It shouldn't be a report on ESPN's SportsCenter two days later.

The other day I asked how the car dealership is doing in Oklahoma after they were exposed for giving monetary payments to the Oklahoma Sooners quarterback for work not performed, an infraction to NCAA rules. Once this was revealed, the Oklahoma coach kicked the quarterback off the team, seriously damaging their chances for the NCAA championship.

Roger Scott of Oklahoma City:

In regards to the Norman car dealership who made excessive payments to our ex-quarterback, they did receive a number of threatening calls. The dealership changed ownership in the first part of this year and the new owners were not involved in the situation, nor were they even aware of it. How's your luck. Kind of like marrying the girl of your dreams and finding out later that she was a hooker. One question. Why is it that a player for USC is discovered involved in a similar situation to that at OU, yet he is still going to be a starter? Why have none of the 'learned' (sic) sports journalists clamored for their head coach's job as they have Bob Stoops?"

"The day the story broke that R. Bomar (the quarterback) had been kicked off the team, all hell broke loose. The owner of the dealership came on live TV in Oklahoma City and pleaded with everyone 'not to blame us'....he said his group had purchased the dealership in April, AFTER the goings on with the football players. He told everyone that his dealership had received 'hundreds of calls today...and most of them were not nice.' I felt kinda sorry for the dude, but he made the rounds of ALL the local media in the week or so after the announcement to remind everyone that 'someone else is responsible for this, not us!' I think it has had some effect on sales, but not too much. Most fans are pissed at the players more than the dealership."

"Greetings Mike. Writing to you from Norman, about 1.5 miles from the stadium. As far as the reaction to the 'incident'... the dealership was sold to a big local dealer, the Hudiburg Auto Group in OKCity in April. Hudiburg had nothing to do with the violations, but they are paying the price. The GM, David Hudiburg, had to come on TV and the sports talk station in OKC and explain that they weren't involved at all. The dealership averages between 10-15 sales per day and on the day the story broke, they sold 4. The following day, they sold 1. The dealership was getting many profanity laced phone calls and even a couple of bomb threats. It was really ridiculous. I take OU Football as serious as most, but this really crossed the line."