Cold Open: We find Dave and Mulligan sitting in the green room. A woman with a green Worldwide Pants jackets sits in.
DAVE: “Did you see that CNN special about Osama bin Laden? They say he’s paranoid, he has a violent temper, even his most loyal followers hate him, and he has an unhealthy obsession with Whitney Houston.”
MULLIGAN: “Wow, if he gets addicted to painkillers, it’ll be like you have a twin. Oh, yeah . . . punch hands!”
DAVE: (confused) “What?”
MULLIGAN: “My hand. Punch it.”
DAVE: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
MULLIGAN: “You just got owned. So now you have to take your hand and punch it into mine.”
Dave half-heartedly punches Mulligan’s hand.
MULLIGAN: “Loser.”

On our show tonight out on 53rd Street is 3-time gold medal winner in the 2006 X-Games, Travis Pastrana. He will be doing stunts on his moto-cross. He was here back in 1999 as a mere lad of 16 years old. During rehearsal, he crashed and damaged his bike and couldn’t perform. And e damaged himself when he crashed into a fire hydrant. We get a shot of 53rd Street. We had shipped in 29 truckloads of dirt, equaling 425 tons.
While looking at the dirt, Dave thinks for a moment that he may have seen Jimmy Hoffa. I laughed at the reference that is near 30 years old, if not older.

The Emmy Awards were held last night. Unfortunately, we didn’t win any of the five awards for which we were nominated, but it looks like CBS is as proud of us as ever.
Announcer: “Congratulations to David Letterman on losing to Barry Manilow at the Emmy Awards. Way to go, dumb ass. Then catch Craig!”

The “pin-head producers” of Survivor have caused a furor by announcing that teams will be split up according to race. We take a look at the kookoo promo they are running.
Announcer: “This Fall on CBS . . . It’s a whole new “Survivor” when castaways are divided by race! And next Spring, be sure to catch the next season of “Survivor” when a tequila-soaked Mel Gibson takes on the Jews. Only on CBS!”
Our costume designer Sue Hum enters from behind Dave. She’s holding an apple. What’s she up to? She says, “I have a snack.” That’s nice. An apple is a very nice snack. She remains standing there, so Dave tells her that she can’t stay out on stage since he has a show to put on. Sue glares at him and calls him, “Dip-‘djoy.’” She exits.

Researchers at Princeton have found that women can evaluate a man within a tenth of a second after meeting him. They explain it all in this announcement.
Announcer: “In a recent study by Princeton University, researchers found that women intuitively respond to men’s facial features with astonishing speed. Laboratory tests indicate that a woman can even judge a man’s character in as little as one-tenth of a second, easily determining whether he’s: a liar (photo of Clinton), an idiot (Bush), a hump (Trump), a loser (Lieberman), gay (Seacrest), senile (Larry King), impotent (Regis), crazy (Cruise), full of crap (Dr. Phil), pure evil (Cheney), or just lousy in bed (Dave). Princeton University . . . we do chicken right.”

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We hear FDR. We hear JFK. And then we hear George W. Bush: “I like to fish.”

EMMY AWARDS TIMELINE: The 58th Annual Emmy Awards were last night. This is just some of the stuff that took place.
9:00 AM: At Cal Tech, a team of technicians begin applying Joan Rivers’ makeup.
10:00 AM: Though not nominated for an Emmy, Joe Lieberman announces he’ll try to win one as an Independent.
10:30 AM: Star Jones lowered into gown by teamsters.
Noon: Extra security arrives to keep Regis out.
2:00 PM: Joan Rivers melts.
5:15 PM: I lose first award of the night when Donald Trump is named “Television’s Biggest Asshole.”
5:30 PM: Exciting song-and-dance tribute to coaxial cable.
6:00 PM: “ER” wins for “Best Drama Everyone Thought Was Cancelled Three Years Ago”
8:30 PM: Joan Collins appears on screen causing 95% of viewers watching in HI-Def to change the channel.
9:00 PM: With the Awards show entering its fourth hour, the fat guy from “Lost” eats Tony Shalhoub.
9:55 PM: After Farrah Fawcett speaks, Mel Gibson comes out and says, “And you guys think I’M nuts.”
Midnight: Charlie Sheen heads home to star in “2 And A Half Hookers.”

TRAVIS PASTRANA: We go outside to talk to 3-time Gold Medal winner at the 2006 Summer X-Games. What does Travis have for us? He will do a stunt called, “The Kiss of Death.” Travis revs his Suzuki 250 and heads west on 53rd Street towards 8th Avenue. Up the ramp he flies and becomes removed from the seat of his bike. Hanging on for dear life, Travis rights himself just before landing 80 feet away. A fantastic jump, but even more impressive when you see it LIVE like I did during rehearsal. Travis gets real high and goes real far on his jumps. Back from commercial, Travis performs the “Back Flip Nac Nac.” This one was very cool as he does just what the stunt is called: a back flip coupled with a nac nac. I used to stunts like that years ago on my spider bike when the neighborhood was getting sewers put in.

TOP TEN: Reasons I Didn’t Win an Emmy – and to present tonight’s Top Ten list, live via satellite from Martha’s Vineyard, star of Curb Your Enthusiasm Larry David.
Larry was nominated for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy, losing out to Tony Shalhoub of Monk.

TRAVIS PASTRANA: He sits and chats with Dave. Back in 1999 he was only 16 when he got all busted up on our show. We see a clip of his rehearsal from that day as he crashes and falls and slides into a fire hydrant. He separated his shoulder but didn’t tell his manager. Later that week he won his next competition. Travis recently performed the never-before-done double back flip in competition. Had he ever done it before? Only once in practice. If you make a mistake and miss in your attempt of a double back flip, you won’t know until you wake up at the hospital. We see a clip of that fantastic jump. Does Travis have a name for the double back flip? Not yet. Dave suggests he call it “The Linda,” since he once knew a woman who . . . well, never mind.
Travis also has been dabbling in Rally Car racing. We see a clip of a recent accident of his where he rolled his car over 8 times. What happened? Travis says, “I came to the corner and I ran out of talent.” He was flipping at 100 mph.

Before introducing Andy Kindler, Dave performs some of his own X-Games talent when he flips a pencil and catches it. Dave calls the pencil-flip, “The Karen.”

ANDY KINDLER: He is here to give his recap of the Emmy Awards from the night before. What did he notice? Jeremy Piven: “Nothing says ‘Fame hasn’t changed me’ like wearing an ascot.” Boy oh boy did that give me a belly laugh! Andy tells a story of meeting Jeremy not too long ago while shopping in California. Andy sheepishly approached Jeremy and asked if he remembers working together on the Ellen Show when Ellen went to a rock n’ roll camp. Jeremy rolled his eyes and said, “Hey hey hey, that whole time period of my like I just try to black out.” This only made Andy want to dig and learn more.
The Aaron Spelling tribute? Since he died, he only has 4 shows in development.
Howie Mandel: How was the idea of Deal or No Deal pitched? When asked, “Is Howie Mandel available?” Yes. What is he doing? I don’t know, but he’s available. I guarantee it.
The expensive gift bags given to the presenters were taxed this year. They threw in a DVD of According To Jim. You can declare that as a loss.
Andy was very funny tonight, but then I always like his appearances. He will be performing this Friday and Saturday at the Improv Comedy Club in Hollywood, California.

ACT 5: It’s Travis Pastrana and his moto-cross jumps in slo-mo reverse.

BABY GRAMPS: With quite an unusual sound, from the compilation CD, “Rogue’s Gallery: Pirate Ballads, Sea Songs, and Chantey,” Baby Gramps performed “Unbreakable.” The CD was produced by Johnny Depp of songs of the sea. Paul said Baby Gramps sang 3 notes at the same time, much like a tribal monk throat singing.

And that was our show for Monday August 28, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

I’m sad the LATE SHOW didn’t come home with an Emmy. No, I’m not sad for missing out on the appreciation and prestige of winning the award, but for missing out on the free lunch CBS sends over when we win.

The Emmy people are getting some heat for running the opening gag which featured Conan involved in a plane crash hours after there was an actual plane crash in Kentucky. Why did they go ahead with it? My guess is because it happened in Kentucky. If it happened in L.A. or New York, it would have been quashed.

And why does it seem the presenters are reading their scripted remarks for the very first time when they are at the podium? They are staring at the teleprompter, flubbing their lines, looking incredibly unprepared. It not only makes the crap they are reading sound like crap, it makes it look like crap. Millions are watching, don’t you think they would be making sure they have their lines down pat by the time they step on stage? It was obvious to me who studied when Martin Sheen and son Charlie were on stage for a presentation. Daddy Martin looked smooth and ready. It looked like Charlie wanted to grab the teleprompter and read from it while running his finger under the dialogue. You can tell who the professional was in that pairing.

I didn’t go to the Emmy Awards this year. I decided to stay home and spend time with the family instead. Years from now, maybe I’ll go again and take the girls, but not yet. I really don’t miss going to the Emmys. The only thing I miss is going to Chez Jay, a little dive bar in Santa Monica. The first time I went I spent most of my Saturday morning looking for a good dive bar to enjoy some cold Ales and a ballgame on the TV. It’s not easy to find such a bar in Santa Monica. As I trudged back to the hotel, right there across the street from my room was a dirty and dingy bar called Chez Jay. It was exactly what I was looking for. I couldn’t tell if it was really a dive, or just made up to look like one. Whatever, I plunked myself down on a barstool and ordered up a pre-noon mug. Sitting at the bar were 3 guys in dirty jeans and t-shirts. The barkeep was equally disheveled. I felt right at home. On the TV was Notre Dame vs. Nebraska. After a minute, the barkeep changed the channel right in the middle of an ND drive. I was a bit upset but being the new guy in the joint, I decided to show no emotion and simply observe. The three guys at the bar had no problem with the channel-change right in the middle of the game. The bartender stopped on a channel that was showing a commercial. I was guessing he knew what program was on. A few seconds later, beach volleyball came on. I figured this was a major sport in Santa Monica and excused the change of channel. But a minute of watching the volleyball game, the bartender again changed the channel. Again, the 3 guys at the bar, each watching the TV intently, showed no sign of disagreement. The barkeep stopped on another channel which had a commercial. Soon, a new show came on. After a minute of news, the bartender changed the channel to the Notre Dame game. While we were away, Notre Dame scored a touchdown. Damn. There’s a time-out and the game goes to a commercial. When the game comes back on, the barkeep changes the channel. What the heck was going on? He stopped clicking the remote at another commercial. I was thoroughly confused and decided to lean in on the conversation of the 3 regulars and the barkeep. I car commercial comes on. I hear them talk about where the commercial was shot in California; I hear them talk about who directed the commercial; I hear one of the guys say he was up for the commercial but was not hired. Another commercial comes on. They talk about where the commercial was shot. They talk about who directed it. One guy points out a friend who was in the commercial as an extra. One talks about how he missed out on the commercial audition because he was hungover. Another talks about the lighting. Another commercial comes on. One guy knew the guy who was in charge of the audio in the commercial. One guy pointed out a friend who was featured in the commercial and how much he’s been paid since it first started airing. The bartender comments on how poorly the commercial was shot and the music used was all wrong. I hear them talking about a Monday- all for a commercial about a mile away. The Notre Dame – Nebraska football game comes back on. . . . . and the bartender turns the channel. I couldn’t believe it. These 4 guys in a dive bar in Santa Monica were chasing commercials! They were watching TV just for the commercials. They had a comment for every commercial that came on. I stayed another hour watching in fascination and disgust. These 4 guys were struggling actors who were only interested in the commercials. California is nuts.

And if I had gone to the Emmys this weekend, I probably would have spent Saturday or Sunday at the Yankee/Angels game. And the 4 guys at the bar could have said, “He watches baseball just for the game . . . as if he thinks he’s part of the team! He’s nuts.”

There are very few major league baseball players who fit into the “I’ll stay up” category . . . . players who will make you stay up and fight off sleep late at night if they are due up in the next inning. Reggie Jackson was on; Darryl Strawberry another; Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds are two more. You didn’t want to miss the possibility of their hitting a baseball to the moon. In recent weeks, another player has fit into the “I’ll Stay Up” category: the Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez. No, I’m not interested in his homeruns. It’s his strikeouts that have become incredibly fascinating. He has 12 strikeouts in his last 17 at-bats. His struggle at the plate has become must-see TV. His collapse is so total it reminds me of Greg Norman.

After watching a few series of plays in the New York Giants preseason, the weak link on the team continues to be Eli Manning.