INTERN PARALLEL PARKING: We’ll be testing the new interns to see how well they’ve learned to adapt to New York City. What better way than to have them try their hand at the dreaded parallel park? First up:
1. Kiki Kapral of Western Springs, Illinois, our writers’ production intern, from Indiana University. She lines up the 2006 Ford Taurus and angles it in between two similar autos. Parallel parking is easier when you have an overhead camera. Kiki didn’t cut the wheel hard enough or long enough and ended with a parallel park with a failing grade. I guess she can hitchhike to the curb.

Police in Palm Springs last week have broken up a ring of smugglers who were trying to sneak monkeys into the country in their pants. And it looks like we might be seeing more crimes like this in the future.
Announcer: “This week, a California man was arrested for trying to smuggle monkeys into the country in his pants. But he never would have gotten caught if he’d come to Men’s Wearhouse for our signature line of Smugglers’ Monkey Pants. Whether you’re in the market for our smart-looking capuchin-chinos or you’re looking for a pair of casual macaque-kis, we’ll help you smuggle your monkeys in comfort and style. And for those larger jobs, check out our new easy-fit gorilla slacks. Men’s Wearhouse: You’re going to like the way you look.”

INTERN PARALLEL PARKING #2. Jonathan Reed, our talent intern, attending California University of Pennsylvania. Dave has never heard of such a university. And neither did I. I asked three times for Jonathan to repeat his college of choice. I wanted to be sure I was hearing right. Jonathan tells Dave that the college is named after the town of California in Pennsylvania. Dave is still a bit surprised. Backstage, a search is made to find an atlas.
How did Jonathan do at h is parallel park? Much better. Good enough for him to be able to walk away and attend to business.

A leaked French intelligence memo claims Osama bin Laden died last month. Now experts say there is a good chance Osama will resurface to prove to his followers that he is alive. They’re right. We take a look at some proof.
Announcer: “Recent rumors of Osama bin Laden’s death are completely false. Al Qaeda’s leader has not succumbed to typhoid fever in t remote region of Pakistan. In fact, he is very much alive, and tonight he guest stars as Habib’s wacky new neighbor on an all-new ‘Two-And-A-Half Martyrs.’ Die laughing with us! Only on Al Jazeera.”

Out of the clip, we hear Biff Henderson over the loud speaker paging Dave, “David Letterman to the stage, please. David Letterman to the stage, please.” Dave mutters that he is already here.

The President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, visited the United States this week to address the U.N.s General Assembly. His visit was nothing if not eventful.
Announcer: “During his visit to the Unites States this week, Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said he got a taste of America’s twisted devotion to consumerism and imperialism. (peppy music) But he also got a taste of Subway’s new toasted meatball marinara sub! A generous helping of Italian-style meatballs bathed in tangy marinara sauce service hot on freshly baked bread. And thanks to America’s hateful free-market system, only $3.99 with chips and a large soft drink.
Ahmadinejad. Eatin’ good in the neighborhood.”

INTERN PARALLEL PARKING #3: Jenna Jones, our research intern, from NYU. She’s from Provo, Utah. Says Dave, “Give my best to Heather Petersen.”
We’ll check back in with Jenna in a minute.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF HUGO CHAVEZ
7:00 AM: Wakes up. Enjoys bowl of favorite Venezuelan cereal, Captain Crunchito.
8:00 AM: Tortures his dad for sticking him with the name “Hugo”
9:00 AM: Colin Powell calls to say, ‘Just wanted to let you know I loved the ‘Bush is the devil’ line.”
11:00 AM: “The View”
Noon: Reveals reason for his hatred towards the United States – the cancellation of Urkel.
12:30 PM: Gets call from worried George W. Bush who asks, “Do I really smell like sulfur?”
1:00 PM: Forwards misdirected mail addressed to Charo
2:00 PM: Interrupts speech for a rousing performance of Air Supply’s ‘All Out Of Love.’”
3:00 PM: Giving a speech after Bill Clinton; says the podium still smells like bacon.
4:00 PM: With Mel Gibson lying low, asks if Danny Glover needs a new crazy partner for “Lethal Weapon 5”
5:00 PM: Apologizes for bizarre U.N. tirade, says he was woozy from visiting Willie Nelson’s tour bus
6:30 PM: Conference call with advisers to determine what new ways he can act like a raving asshole.
11:30 PM: For a reminder of why he hates America, finishes day by watching the LATE SHOW.

And then we go back outside to watch Jenna the intern park the 2006 Ford Taurus SE. Jenna from Provo does a fine job, the best yet. I’m sure Heather Petersen is proud.

TOP TEN: Signs Osama bin Laden Isn’t Really Dead.
#7. He’s captain of the Muslim team on the all new “Survivor”
#2. Why do you think Whitney and Bobby split?

BILLY GARCIA:
- 2nd castaway to be voted off the Cook Islands
- 36 years old; born in New York; raised in Miami
- he is a heavy metal guitarist and songwriter with the band “Forsakken”
- he is a professional wrestler under the name “Spanish Fly”
- spent 6 days on the Cook Islands
- his tribe lost the immunity challenge on purpose so they could vote him out

RAY LIOTTA: The star of the new CBS program, Smith – Tuesdays at 10:00 PM. His character sells cups, but is really stealing things . . . big things. He leads . . . . a double life.
Ray tells a fascinating story of tracking down his birth-mother. We learn that Ray is adopted. When he and his wife decided to have children, Ray became interested in the woman who gave him birth. He wanted to know his family medical history when his children came along. When his mom, the one who raised him, passed away, Ray decided this was the time to start his search. Ray hired a “locator” and the agency found his birth mother within a day. They soon talked on the phone. Ray didn’t want to reveal too much about himself too early, but his mother kept asking, “What do you do?” Eventually, Ray tells her that he is an actor. When he tells her his name, she says, “I knew it!” They met . . . and Ray says he’s happy he was adopted. Of course he’s joking, but the life he knows today would have been totally different.

INTERN PARALLEL PARKING #4: Gene Szymanski, our intern in the Finance department, from Syracuse University. He’s familiar with New York City and has done about 50 or 60 parallel parks in his life. Let’s see how he does tonight. Gene backs up ever so slowly. He cuts the wheel . . . and then guns the gas. SMASH! Young Gene rams the car behind him, knocking it about 15 feet towards Queens. A stunned Gene regains his senses and upon realizing what he had done, throws the car in Drive and speeds off into the sunset towards Jersey. He can hear him muttering in fear, “Oh, ‘djoy’. ‘Djoy.’ ‘Djoy.’” (to decipher ‘djoy’, simply look to the left of each letter in ‘djoy’ on your keyboard.)

ACT 5 – Alan Kalter is busy applying chapstick.

TONY BENNETT AND ELVIS COSTELLO: From Tony Bennett’s new CD, “Duets”, Tony Bennett and Elvis Costello performed “Are You Havin’ Any Fun Yet?”

And that was our show for Monday September 25, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Last week I was working at half-speed at best. My shivers and shakes were coupled with body pains and aches. But I found I got just as much done as when I’m going full-speed. When I slowed down, it seemed like time slowed down with me. When I’m racing around, time races right along. I learned a good life lesson.
Today, my chest is fully congested. I can breathe in just enough to be able to spit out three words. Any deeper an inhale would result in a dry cough. My sentences were broken up into three-word bits of information. I sounded as if I was on a respirator.

Osama bin laden dead? Republican response – no no no, we have him penciled in to die closer to the mid-term election.

Last week, we had a beautiful woman dressed in a lovely gown walk on stage and give Dave a sweet warm hug. We pretended it was a female world leader in town for the United Nations party. We pretended she was the Prime Minister of New Zealand, Helen Clark. Why did we pick her? Actually, she was our second choice. The first choice was the female president of Latvia. Her name was very hard to pronounce. I was asked to find out the correct pronunciation so I flipped it back to the writer of the piece. He then called research (I could have done that but I wanted to put the load on the creator of the piece. His load was to call research and then have them call me.) Research gave me a call. They had just gotten off the phone with the Latvia embassy. What followed was a 5-minute syllable-by-syllable instruction on how to properly pronounce the name, being careful to soften the second syllable in her middle name. Meanwhile, someone else had the good sense to call the writer to simply find an easier female President to use in this piece. It didn’t matter who it was; just a female and a president or prime minister. Helen Clark of New Zealand came up. Oh, what a relief. So much easier for everyone involved. So during the show, Dave introduces the Prime Minister of New Zealand, Helen Clark. A beautiful woman enters. Dave thanks her for dropping by. They hug once; they hold hands; they hug again. And then she exits.

We followed this with a Top Ten, "Top Ten Signs Your Husband is Gay." It was based on a New York City story about how 1 in 10 New York “straight” men are having gay sex; and of that number, 70% are married.

And then the next day, I read where Helen Clark, the Prime Minister of New Zealand, is married. The day before, her husband held a press conference. He made an announcement denying the rumors that he was gay. DOH! Our Top Ten was simply a coincidence. Oops.

Saturday evening, I was huddled under a blanket watching some college football. The dreadful play of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish so angered me, down by 16 in the 4th quarter, that I turned off the game and decided to do something more fun . . . . clean the basement. Last week while watching the Eagles embarrass the Giants, I left the game to clean the garage. My house is getting cleaner, but I’m missing some great comebacks on the gridiron.