Following Dave's last joke of the monologue, Johnny Dark walks out in hospital scrubs and stands beside Dave. Johnny checks his watch and says, "Let's call it 11:36."
Dave asks, "What is 11:36?"
Johnny: "The exact moment the show started to go to hell."
Johnny exits.

The show got off to a rough start tonight. During the pre-show Q&A, a woman introduced herself as Cecille from Louisiana. Dave commented on the lovely name, Cecille and he remarked that Cecille appeared to be a very lovely woman. Cecille then asked, "Don't you own any dark socks?" Dave proudly shows off his grays. Sometimes you can't win.

Dave is keeping with his new slogan for the year and slaps on a sticker on his lapel: "Please to meet you, meat to please you." I think it may be sponsored by Lobel.

Dave is a bit exhausted tonight; he's been on the phone all day with the world press. The word is out that next week on the Late Show will be "Late Show Ventriloquist Week." Some of the best ventriloquists in the world will be on the Ed Sullivan Theater stage to perform. Who we do have, you ask?
Monday: Willie Tyler and Lester.
Tuesday: Jay Johnson and Darwin. Dave is more familiar with Jay Johnson and Bob, but Jay will be performing with Darwin on Tuesday. Of course, I'm more familiar with the Late Show website online team of Jay Johnson and Walter.
Wednesday: Ronn Lucas, and Scorch.
Thursday: Jeff Dunham, and Walter.
Friday: Todd Oliver and Irving.

Wow! What a week! Tickets are moving fast, but their mouths aren't.

Paul was hoping for Rickey Layne and Velven. Dave says we should try to get him, but Paul informs that Rickey is dead.

Which brings us to a brand new segment, GREAT MOMENTS IN VENTRILOQUISM:

"On April 23, 1951, 'Mr. Giggles.' became the first dummy to make a joke about how his wife hates having sex with him because of all the splinters.
This has been 'Great Moments in Ventriloquism.'"

"The National Governors Association meeting began like any other. Governor Mitt Romney was up first and he spoke eloquently about school vouchers. I was mesmerized at his grasp of the issues." (sexy music) "The overhead lights reflected in his crystal blue eyes and brought out the distinguished streak of silver in his thick, jet-black hair. His tanned, oily, muscular arms held the podium firmly and I couldn't help but wish I was that podium. Oh, how I envisioned his tearing off his well-cut charcoal gray suit and our two sweaty bodies joining together to form one giant pulsating bowl of steamy gubernatorial bliss. Next up to speak was Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. . ."

As Dave prepared to go to the next line of business, the head of James Woods appears over Dave. We hear a promo for his new CBS program.
Announcer: "He's a charismatic defense attorney who's bringing his cutthroat tactics to the Los Angeles prosecutor's office. 'Shark' - CBS Thursdays this fall." Huh?

This just in . . . Dave is receiving a report that we have LIVE footage of Paris Hilton driving home from the supermarket. Are we ready . . . yes . . . . this is Paris Hilton driving home from the supermarket.
We see footage of a car careening down the highway, losing control, and crashing over the shoulder of the highway.
Dave reports that he is receiving word that Paris is OK . . . . and he corrects himself, "That was Paris Hilton driving TO the supermarket, not FROM the supermarket."

Our costume designer enters with a basket of apples. She greets Dave with, "I went apple picking." Dave remarks that this is a fine time to go apple picking. Sue: "Do you want some apples?"
Dave says he would love to have some apples but he is allergic to pectin so he better not.
Sue pauses a moment, then snaps, "You're going to die alone!"
OUCH!
My favorite part of this was Dave admitting to being allergic to pectin. I laughed at that quite a bit.
From Wikipedia:

"Apples contain a lot of Pectin. Pectin is used as an oral demulcent to alleviate symptoms of sore throat and mouth in some throat lozenges. Among these is the Luden's Throat Drops brand."

And now another installment of "Great Moments in Ventriloquism"
Announcer:

"On July 12, 1930, Leo Gottlieb became the first man to react to his son announcing he wants to be a ventriloquist by saying, 'What are you, 'givl'ing nuts?'
This has been 'Great Moments in Ventriloquism.'"

Dave receives a bit of information:
Rickey Layne died February 11, 2006.
The dummy's name is Velven.
They are both missed.
Dave further informs that Bob of Jay Johnson and Bob left to pursue a writing career.

TOP TEN - "Signs Your boss Is Spying on You" - The Chairwoman of Hewlett-Packard computers resigned today after it was discovered she spied on her employees and illegally obtained phone records of member of the Board of Directors. In further explaining the category, Dave says how corporate spying is a cancer in today's workforce. He later admits that "corporate spying is a cancer" is a bit of a reach."
#8. Every morning, some guy puts a new roll of film in your fichus.
#6. Greets you in the elevator with, "Boy, that was some call from your urologist."
#5. The "O" on your keyboard looks a lot like his eyeball.
#2. When your wife wears a negligee, his voice comes out of the lamp asking, "Is that new?"

ASHTON KUTCHER: Ashton spent the summer with Demi and the kids in Europe enjoying, yup, a European Vacation. They somehow found themselves spending a lot of time with royalty. At one party . . . I mean, "ball" . . . Ashton and the family were dressed in 1800s attire. Everything was super fancy. And within a minute, Demi accidentally knocked a glass of champagne out of Ashton's hand. They were there for no more than 5 minutes and Ashton was breaking things and messing up Windsor Castle. He felt pretty embarrassed.
Demi and Ashton are coming up on their 1st Anniversary. What day? Ashton hems and haws and gives a ballpark number, "I think it's the 24th . . . or the 28th . . .". Which ever it is, he says the marriage has already surpassed what Vegas thought it would. Ashton says he should have bet the under, got divorced, collected, and then remarried. But he finds that marriage gives him a lot of time. He no longer has to ogle the hot-looking babes or try to work a room. Life is less complicated and he can concentrate on his work now. Dave sums it up: "Part of you is dead."
And how does Ashton get along with the kids? Everything is great and he finds it hard when he is away on business. "I miss not being with them" Ashton says. I thought that was sweet, until I took a closer look. Shouldn't that be, "I miss being with them" and not, "I miss not being with them"?
Ashton's new film, "The Guardian" opens Septemer 29th. He co-stars with Kevin Costner. Dave says about the two: "it's a contentious relationship but you find a way to bond." For a second, I thought Dave was describing the relationship between Ashton and Bruce Willis. We see a clip of Ashton in the Coast Guard jumping into the ocean.

SAM HORNISH, JR.: The 2006 IRL IndyCar Series Champion. This is his 3rd title. He also won the Indianapolis 500 this year. Which is the bigger thrill, winning the IndyCar title or the Indianapolis 500? To Dave's satisfaction, Sam Hornish, Jr. says it's the Indianapolis 500. Once you win the 500, everyone starts to recognize you. This summer, Sam and his wife traveled to the White House and met the President. Sam was told the meeting would only last a minute or so due to the President's busy schedule, but Bush actually spent about 25 minutes with Sam, his wife, and the crew. We see a happy photo of Sam and his wife with President Bush.
Is NASCAR in his future? He's non-committal, but he admits it's something he is considering. But he won't be giving up on Indy Racing.
On July 26th, Sam's hometown of Defiance, Ohio held "Sam Hornish, Jr. Day." He was a bit afraid that no one would show up but was greatly relieved to find 10,000 attending. He says you don't get 10,000 without winning the 500.

Here's something for you history buffs, it's PAT FARMER'S WHAT THEY MIGHT HAVE SOUNDED LIKE.
Pat: "Prior to Thomas Edison's invention of the phonograph, there was unfortunately no way to record the voices of great historical figures. So all we can do is make conjectures as to what they might have sounded like, which is what I'm going to do tonight in the case of Abraham Lincoln."
Cut to a full-screen photo of Abraham Lincoln. Pat Farmer voices over: "Hey, it's me Abe Lincoln. How you guys doin'? All right, I'll catch you later."
Cut back to Pat: "Sadly, we'll never know for sure."
PAT FARMER'S WHAT THEY MIGHT HAVE SOUNDED LIKE

ACT 5: It's a smiling Alan Kalter.

TV ON THE RADIO: From Brooklyn and making their network television debut, from their new CD "Return to Cookie Mountain," TV On The Radio performed "Wolf Like Me."

And that was our show for Tuesday, September 12, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

I think I'll pitch this joke this week, although I would imagine it's been done before. "And if you want to become a ventriloquist, be sure to pick up this new book, 'Dummies for Dummies.'"

I bought gas the other day at $2.69 a gallon. It was a bargain. And then I realized that $2.69 on the way up is a reason to cry. $2.69 on the way down is a reason to jump for joy.

I'm watching one of those local public-access cable channels the other night. I usually like to watch the Town Board meetings where local planning is discussed. Usually the 5 members on the board are voting themselves increased benefits or something like that, with the one member up for re-election voting against it. The benefit package is then passed 4-1.
Next year, a different board member up for re-election will vote against another benefits package and again it will be passed.
So I'm watching the cable channel and there is a judge making a campaign plea for my vote. The judge is in his office making his taped speech. In the middle of his 5-minute spiel, the phone in his office rings. And then it rings again. His eyes angrily dart to the left at someone off-camera to pick up the damn phone! The judge didn't miss a beat. He just kept right on going. The phone rings a few more time and then stops. And as I'm watching his speech, I wonder why he didn't just stop the tape and start again, taking the phone off the hook before he started? Wouldn't that make more sense? Wouldn't that show good . . . . judgment? How ridiculous for this guy to make the tape, review it, and then decide the finished product was fine. And this guy wants me to vote for him to be a judge, after showing such obvious poor judgment?
As with most advertisements and commercials, the message I received influenced me NOT to support the product rather than go out and buy it. I remember the judge's name. And I will not vote for him, simply for his lack of good judgment shown in the video. It doesn't matter what he said.
Oh, his slogan on the campaign posters all around the town: "Tough, but fair." I wonder how long and hard he worked on that?
Race fans, we have the drivers for the "Chase for the Nextel Cup" on Wednesday night to do a top ten. NASCAR names even I recognize. Should be very exciting.

HEY! The Alexander Town Talk newspaper in Louisiana. . . I'm talking to you! How do you expect me to read the Sunday comics if you print them so small? What kind of nonsense is that? Get the print back to the size where I can read it! My eyes aren't as good as they used to be!