GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush: “My kids can’t read.”

Cameraman Dave Dorsett moves to the other side of the lens. He is holding a sock puppet. The puppet’s mouth moves whenever Dave the Host speaks.
Finally, Mr. Letterman asks, “Excuse me, Dave? What are you doing?”
Cameraman Dorsett sighs and can only say, “I don’t know anymore.”

A woman in the audience during the pre-show Q&A asked Dave if he had any current photos of Harry. Like the proud dad that he is, Dave certainly did. He quickly sent one of his assistants up to his office to get the most recent shots of Harry. With much pride, Dave shows off 4 photos of Harry. A fine boy is he.

Campaign 2008 has begun. Senator Barack Obama’s admission that he’s thinking about running for President has Hillary Clinton’s camp scrambling. They wasted no time in releasing this campaign commercial.
Announcer: “Senator Barack Obama says he is considering a run for the presidency. But, before you decide to support the junior senator from Illinois in 2008, take a look at this . . . .” (a graphic of an ‘S’ slides into frame and knocks the ‘B’ out of Obama, so his name now reads ‘Osama.’)
“Pretty chilling, huh? Vote Hillary Clinton in 2008. Her name is not one letter away from a terrorist mastermind’s.”

And then I spent the next 10 minutes trying to find a terrorist’s name who was one letter away from “Hillary” and “Clinton”. Came up with nothing.

LATE SHOW FUN FACTS – Dave receives these intermittently from the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information.
- the plastic pieces on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
- The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world
- Charles de Gaulle’s final words were, “It hurts.”
- Other than man, the elk is the only animal that celebrates birthdays
- The Indian who cried I the classic anti-pollution commercial also cried in a commercial for Dentyne.
- To compensate for their lack of sight, blind people have developed an acute sense of humor.
- Widely distributed in 1588, the world’s first piece of junk mail was an advertisement for erotic wigs
- Arizona is the only state that doesn’t observe leap years
- Prior to 1981, FCC regulations prohibited the use of the word “walnuts” on radio or television
- Springfield, Massachusetts is home of both the Basketball Hall of Fame and the Basket Hall of Fame.
- The earliest binoculars made things look as close as they actually were
- The inventor of the TIVO named his son “Stivo”
- Henry Ford preferred driving an Oldsmobile
- The television show ‘Lassie’ ran for 140 years in dog years.
- Although the United States population is supposedly 300 million, the government admits that figure may include several thousand houseplants.
- At the end of his life, Thomas Edison didn’t have enough money to pay his electric bill.
- Liberace was a notorious womanizer
- For quality footwear at a nice price, head to Payless Shoe Source
- If the 2008 election were held today, Howie Mandel would be elected President
- Regis Philbin has never turned down work

BILL O’REILLY: Bill enters with a sword and shield, ready for a fight. Dave laughs and says, “That’s cute. You came out with toys.”
Dave jumps in, “Am I right about this? You guys over there at FOX and guys like Rush Limbaugh, you guys know it’s all a big goof, right? You’re just horsing around. You’re doing it because you know it’ll be entertaining.”
Bill wants some clarification: “What is it we’re ‘doing’?”
Dave begins to answer, but then says, “Well, see here you got me, because I’ve never seen . . . .”
Bill shakes his head and points out, “You’ve never seen the show.”
Dave doesn’t even know how to find the show. When he turns on FOX, it’s always The Simpsons.
How will this election turn out? Bill says he thinks it’ll turn towards the democrats. And it’s because the citizenry . . . is depressed. They are angry about the war in Iraq. They want a change. He says, “They don’t want to watch news, they don’t want to watch Iraq. They’d rather watch ‘Bowling for Dollars’ and Dancing with the Stars.’” Bill stops and changes direction and asks, “Are you going to be in ‘Dancing with the Stars’?” Dave scoffs at the suggestion and says to Bill, “You bonehead!”
Dave outlines his feelings about our being in Iraq:
After September 11th, we felt we needed to do something. Something terrible was done to us and we felt we needed to do something. Iraq? The Administration said so, so yeah, Iraq. And then when 1 American died, and then a dozen, and then a hundred and then a thousand . . . . we’re left to wonder if we are causing more harm and damage and carnage than it is worth. So should we be there?
Bill says that’s easy to answer.
Dave interrupts, “No, it’s not easy for me because I’m thoughtful.”
Dave continues: “What I would like is for Americans to stop dying and to have stability in that part of the world.” Is that possible? And since stability is questionable, let’s stop Americans from dying.”

Before I go on, I notice I’m using a lot of quotation marks in this recap. I’m not sure if that’s wise. For you first time readers, I try my best to capture what is said and done on the show, but a lot of times I am unable due to reasons not in my control. What I write is what I remember from the show. Sometimes I’m right on. Sometimes it may seem like I was watching Kimmel at the time. Do not take the Wahoo Gazette for an exact reporting on the LATE SHOW. The Wahoo Gazette is for amusement purposes only.

Bill later admits that we were wrong about Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Dave doesn’t understand and wonders why if we were wrong, why do we think by staying and having Americans killed is right. Bill explains the complicated geopolitical implications involved and says if we left Iraq now, Iran would come in and take over the oil supply and distribution. Dave mutters, “So it’s all about the oil. We are there because it’s the oil.
Bill answers, “Yes, it’s always about the oil.”
Does Dave think Bush is evil? No, Dave says he thinks Bush is misguided and we felt we had to do something. We followed him.
Bill insinuates that Dave thinks Bush is an evil liar. Dave jumps in and says, “I never said he was an evil liar. You are putting words in my mouth . . . just the way you put artificial facts in your head.”
What about Bill O’Reilly’s book, “Culture Warrior”? It’s already selling big. Dave holds up the book and says, “I looked at the cover and said . . . ‘What is it, a book on sailing?’” On the cover we see Bill in blue a raingear top; American flag flying behind him. “Bill O’Reilly” in white letters. “Culture Warrior” in red letters. Bill in a blue jacket.
Dave concludes: “I don’t know what I’m talking about . . . and neither do you.”
And just like that . . . we ran out of time. And so ends another chapter in “Bill and Dave’s Mad Adventure.”

JEFF ALTMAN: an old friend of the show. Jeff had quite an experience on his way in from the airport. The limo driver was one of those guys who was never drunk, yet never sober; the type of guy who says things like “Do you like my pants?” He was the kind of guy who tells you too much. The limo driver told him a story about a dream he had. “And last night I dreamt I was playing for the Yankees and Derek Jeter came up to me in drag. And he was very very attractive. . . .” Jeff told him to just be quiet and drive.
Anything catch Jeff’s eye in the news these days? Jeff says he saw that the Japanese guy who keeps winning those hot dog eating contests was dethroned. . . . by Dennis Hastert. Hastert ate 74 hot dogs at a presidential fundraiser.
Things haven’t been all rosy for Jeff. He recently started seeing a new psychiatrist. Jeff was telling him a story and at one point, the shrink blurted, “No ‘djoy’?”
Jeff tells a story about looking to buy a ’67 Corvette many years ago. Dave went along to offer his support and knowledge.
They get to the place and they get in the car. But Dave accidentally sat on the garage door closer thing. The gate came right down on the car. Or maybe it missed.
Dating? Jeff is. He recently was dating a really tall girl, about 6’7”. And she had a nose ring. Jeff hated it, but not once did he lose his car keys.
Before saying goodnight, Paul asks if Jeff can do his Buddy Rick impression. I closed my eyes and I swore Buddy was sitting next to Dave.

WILL IT FLOAT? Tonight’s item: 9 pounds of lox, wrapped in heavy cellophane. Dave votes float.
Paul votes sink.
They are playing for a trip to Tahiti.
Dave walks over and tosses the lox into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . SINKS!

ACT 5: It’s Alan Kalter enjoying a Donald Trump book. It either had to do with finances or hair care.

TILLY AND THE WALL: Making their network television debut, from Omaha, Nebraska, Tilly and the Wall performed “Bad Education” from their new album, “Bottoms of Barrels.” I found it oddly entertaining. Anytime there’s tap dancing involved, you pretty much got me.
And speaking of tap dancing, if you ever get the chance to watch the final 15 minutes of “Stormy Weather”, make sure you do. Now that’s some dancing!

And that was our show for Friday, October 27, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

In a week, I’ll have more memories of the Tigers/Cardinals World Series of 1968 than I will of 2006. Baseball for me started in September of ’67, through the full year of ’68, and gripping me in ’69 with the Mets. I was young then. I was weak and jumped onto the Met bandwagon.

Halloween tip: Do what I do. Every year I put out a huge EMPTY bowl on the front porch. Next to it I put a sign, “Take One.”

This weekend my girls are having a birthday/Halloween party. 24 girls are expected. I was given a long long list of things to do and get for the party. At the bottom of the list, in big capital letters was this: “DON’T EMBARRASS US!”

My favorite George W. Bush this week was Wednesday night when he was speaking about the Fiscal Year. Says the President: “These are the actual results for the Fiscal Year that ended February 30th.”
Karen Craig of Spokane, Washington writes:

“The George Bush joke from last night is a two-fer. The obvious joke is that February only has 28 or 29 days. The more subtle joke is that the government fiscal year runs from October 1 through September 30. Then I thought perhaps the President was referring to the end of a fiscal quarter, but that isn't right either since the quarters still end at the end of March, June, September, and December. Not only does the leader of the free world not know how to pronounce ‘nuclear’ correctly, he has no clue how the government's fiscal year works!”

Is Luke and Laura back yet?

I have a new favorite college football team . . . it’s the California University of Pennsylvania Vulcans. The Vulcans are 6-2, and 3-0 in the PSAC West. Ranked #25 in NCAA Division 2 football, the Vulcans travel to Shippensburg in Pennsylvania this weekend to take on the Red Raiders at Seth Stadium, capacity 7,700. Last year, the Vulcans defeated Shippensburg for the first time since 1990. GO VULCANS!

I wonder if Kenny Rogers is hoping the Cards win on Friday. This just in: Ex-Congressman Foley is now blaming allergies.