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THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Tina Fey; Venus Williams; and Steve Earle. PLUS:Tucker vs. Cooper; the Late Show U.S. Open Preview; the World’s Oldest Diamonds; Mother Teresa’s Letters; Great Moments; a Top Ten List; the Late Show Prize Bonanza; and Ask Karl Rove.
“ . . . and now, pitching coach for the Baltimore Orioles . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1
I wasn’t at my usual spot early in the show. I was to do a LIVE voiceover for a joke in the ACT 1. I wait backstage as Dave finishes his monologue. After the last joke, I come on stage to stand at Alan Kalter’s position. I could have gone out at any time during the monologue but I like to wait till Dave’s done so not to distract him. Plus, there’s always the chance I might trip on something or knock something over. If this happened during the monologue it could be a show stopper. If this happened during Paul’s music and Dave’s crossover, it would hardly be noticed.
I make to Alan’s microphone and wait for my voiceover. It was a much longer wait than expected as Dave talked about a Jamba Juice he had earlier and he also mentioned something that took place during the pre-show Q&A. I think a young couple couldn’t decide on what to name their baby who was on the way. One wanted “Tucker.” The other wanted “Cooper.” Dave says up in the dressing room there is often a dog named . . . . Cooper. Therefore, Dave would go with Tucker. From the shot of the couple, it looked like that’s the name the husband wanted. Paul then recited a little ditty about the name Tucker which I think ended with a word that rhymed with “Tucker.”
The U.S. Open starts early next week right down the road in Flushing Meadows in Queens. It’s a big deal around here, so we put together something we call the “LATE SHOW U.S. OPEN PREVIEW.”
Music from Paul. A nice tennis graphic appears. And then . . . . nothing more. That’s all we have so far.
As Dave begins to go on to the next joke, he holds the blue card of the prior joke in such a way that is visible to the home viewer. What was on the card and what was underlined?
(ed.note: I went home last night and saw this part of the show on TV. Without the HD, I couldn’t see the blue card in Dave’s right hand. But since the following was already written, I certainly wasn’t going to delete it.)
1. At the top left hand corner:
EXTRA: U.S. OPEN PREVIEW
2. At the top right hand corner is the number ‘1’ written in pencil to signal it’s the first
joke.
3. skip a few lines
- IT’S TIME FOR THE ‘LATE SHOW U.S. OPEN PREVIEW
– this is underlined in black marker to catch Dave’s eye for what he is to say.
4. skip a few lines: under that is typed in lower case, in parenthesis and indented, what
will unfold.
- (music from Paul; graphic)
5. skip a few lines: Dave’s next line – THAT’S ALL WE HAVE.
6. skip a bunch of lines. I add some information near the bottom of the card – it’s info I think Dave may want to move the piece along. In this case I added this:
FYI: 2007 U.S. OPEN
- FLUSHING MEADOWS, QUEENS, NEW YORK
- AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 4TH
And that’s your typical blue card.
DAVE: “Fascinating story in today’s newspapers. Scientists in Australia have discovered what they claim to be the world’s oldest diamonds. The diamonds are believed to be 4.5 billion years old.”
Biff enters behind Dave: “Kobe Bryant just bought them for his wife!”
Sound effects: slide whistle:
Freeze on Dave and Biff.
Announce: “Catch the comedy duo of ‘Dave & Biff’ this Saturday night at the Borgata in Atlantic City. Topical zingers at their finest! Good seats still available!”
That was me on the announce. It was to be Alan but for some reason it was given to me just before the show. When I have a voiceover to do, I usually type out my lines on a card to cut out the “distraction” of the other printed words on the page. Or I’ll print my lines off the computer in big font for me to read. If I was just starting out in grade school today, I probably would be diagnosed with a reading-tracking problem. But back in my day, a tracking problem was simply diagnosed as someone who is just a bad reader.
But why am I asked to do voiceovers? I have no idea and I’m not asking, either. They offer, I take. I think they originally liked my over-the-top enthusiasm and tinny, nasally voice. After a while, I tried to be more professional in my voiceovers. I listened to one of my “professional” attempts and decided there’s nothing worse than a bad voiceover guy trying to be good. I’ve decided to go back to my original amateurish enthusiasm and leave the professionalism to the professionals.
Some of Mother Teresa’s letters have been made public for the first time, and they reveal a side to her that most of us never got to see. We had an excerpt tonight.
Graphic: The Mother Teresa Letters.
– narration from Mother Teresa’s letters.
Announce: “May 15, 1982.”
Shots of Mother Teresa
Announce: “If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is that there is no greater deed than providing comfort and joy to others. And that is why I implore all of the executives at CBS to please reconsider your decision to cancel ‘WKRP in Cincinnati.’
Sincerely, Mother Teresa.”
As Dave begins to go on to the next thing, something catches his eye. Dave yells directly into the camera, “Susan! Get out of my car!”
Cut to Susan Hum rummaging through the glove compartment of Dave’s car. The startled costume designer realizes she’s been discovered and quickly runs away.
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
We see FDR.
We see JFK.
We see George W. Bush: “ . . . . . I always like a good barbecue.”
ACT 2 ASK KARL ROVE:
KARL ROVE, THE MAN KNOWN AS GEORGE W. BUSH’S BRAIN, RECENTLY ANNOUNCED HE’S QUITTING AS THE PRESIDENT’S CHIEF ADVISER. HE’S HERE TONIGHT TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS.
Karl Rove (actually, former L.S. writer Gerard Mulligan) enters wearing typical pocket t-shirt and jeans.
- STEVEN BRADFORD, SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA: “WHAT WAS THE MOST CHALLENGING THING ABOUT WORKING FOR PRESIDENT BUSH?”
Karl Rove: “I guess the hardest part was keeping up with his grueling four-hour-a-week work schedule.”
rim shot
Mulligan: “Oh, it’s on!”
- JOHN BLAYLOCK, HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA: “WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT DICK CHENEY?”
Karl Rove: “I know most people think Dick Cheney is cold, calculating and unfeeling, but the truth is, he’s a miserable prick.”
Rim shot
Mulligan: (cocks an imaginary shotgun and fires repeatedly – SFX)
- DAN MURPHY, LAS VEGAS, NEVADA: “WHAT’S THE SECRET TO RUNNING A SUCCESSFUL PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN?”
Karl Rove: “Well, things like integrity, commitment, and vision are important . . .but I’m gonna have to go with rigged voting machines.”
Rim shot
Mulligan: (pulls imaginary slot machine lever; SFX – slot machine hitting jackpot) “I’m a millionaire! I’m a millionaire! I’m a millionaire!”
- JACK CLAUSSEN, ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA: “WHO DO YOU LIKE IN THE 2008 ELECTION?”
Karl Rove: “I think it’s time for a polished, feminine candidate who always looks salon fresh. That’s why I’m supporting Mitt Romney.”
Rim shot
Mulligan: (delivers a karate kick; SFX: wood breaking)
- MEGAN JAMES, ATLANTA, GEORGIA: “WHY DID THIS ADMINISTRATION DECIDE TO ATTACK IRAQ INSTEAD OF PURSUE OSAMA BIN LADEN INTO WAZIRISTAN?”
Karl Rove: “The President couldn’t pronounce Waziristan”
Rim shot
Mulligan: “Cock-a-doodle dooo!”
- MAX SNYDER, DAYTON, OHIO: “WHAT DO YOU THINK THE ADMINISTRATION SHOULD DO NEXT REGARDING IRAQ?”
Karl Rove: “Carefully study their options, consults with military experts, and stall until Hillary takes over.”
Rim shot
Mulligan: (crack of the bat and shouts) “It’s an A-Bomb from K-Rove!”
- MELISSA BYRD, RICHMOND, VIRGINIA: “HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BEING KNOWN AS “BUSH’S BRAIN”?
Karl Rove: “That’s sort of like being known as Rosie O’Donnell’s personal trainer.”
Rim shot
Mulligan: (rubbing eyes) “Awww, what’s a matter? Is Rosie gonna cry?”
- BEN CARLYLE, MADISON, WISCONSIN: “DO YOU THINK YOUR CHILDREN ARE PROUD OF YOU?”
Karl Rove: “They always brag about my job to their friends, because for the past six years, I told them I’ve worked at Cold Stone Creamery”
Rim shot
Mulligan: (turns to other camera; camera zoom) (seductively) “Love me.”
- LARRY JENKINS, HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT: “HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO CRITICS WHO CALL YOU AN EGO-MANIAC WHO HAS FOREVER LOWERED THE LEVEL OF DEBATE AND DISCOURSE IN THIS COUNTRY?”
Karl Rove: (no response)
- KARL?
Mulligan: “I’m sorry, I thought that question was for you.”
Rim shot
- RONALD ASHBY, LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY: “WHAT’S CONDOLEEZZA RICE LIKE?”
Karl Rove: “Cold, reserved, and humorless. Like this audience.”
Rim shot
Mulligan: (exiting) “That’s my time. See ‘Legally Blonde’ on Broadway. All the fun of the movie for 85 bucks a ticket! You’ll be glad you did.”
EXITS
Music from Paul: “You Be Illin’”
And that was Karl Rove.
ACT 3 TOP TEN: SENIOR CITIZEN PICK-UP LINES – There was something in today’s newspaper about seniors getting it on.
10. “Wanna swap teeth?”
8. “Ever done it in a crafmatic adjustable bed?”
TINA FEY: Nominated for 3 Emmy Awards for her work on “30 Rock.” She’s the star, the creator, and the writer of the very funny NBC series. The 2nd season begins in early October and the 1st season is now on DVD, in stores September 4th. Even though she’s nominated for 3 Emmys, there’s no guarantee she’ll win. That’s why she says she’ll bring the Emmy she won as a writer for “Saturday Night Live” to the ceremony so she can get in to all the after-Emmy parties.
Tina is a mom to a 2-year-old daughter. It’s an exciting age. She’s just learning to talk; she’s walking; she’s full of questions. She wants to walk everywhere, but then when they get there she wants to be carried. And carrying her 2-year-old is like carrying an air conditioner. Dave asks how much Tina’s daughter weighs and she says, “30 pounds.” I laughed at Dave’s reaction. Like every parent, whether they mean to or not, Dave seemed to be measuring his son up to other people’s children. Dave says his boy, Harry, at 3-and-a-half is 36 pounds. Tina’s daughter is 2 and weighs 30. Dave points out that Harry’s weight is at the 50 percentile. And then Tina talks about her daughter going to the potty for the first time. Dave is surprised that her daughter has already going through potty training at 2 years old. Dave says Tina deserves an Emmy for that alone! I have no idea but I imagined Dave quickly calculating Harry’s potty training history and measuring it against Tina’s daughter. Sigh, the angst of being a parent . . . .
I don’t watch much TV but if I did I think I would watch “30 Rock.” Maybe after the Yankees win the Series this year I’ll tune in. I’ve heard lots of good things about it.
ACT 4
We come back from commercial to find Dave standing center stage with our Late Show models. Between the models is an iPhone. DAVE: “You’re here on an exciting night, because we’re about to give one lucky audience member a fabulous prize in the Late Show Prize Bonanza!” (fanfare; graphic) DAVE: “Okay, Alan, who’s the lucky winner?” ALAN: “Dave, it’s Wayne Adams from Grand Rapids, Michigan! Come on down! You’ve won a brand-new Apple iPhone in the Late Show Prize Bonanza!”
Wayne comes running from the audience on stage to receive his iPhone, plus he receives a peck on each cheek from the Late Show models. The giddy winner exits. DAVE: “Congratulations to Wayne! I’m sure he’ll enjoy his . . . . .”
Dave is suddenly interrupted by another guy from the audience. He is out of breath. AUDIENCE GUY: “Hey, I’m Wayne Adams. Sorry it took me so long to get down here. I was way up in the balcony. . . . . DAVE: “ . . . . . . . Okay, that’s how we play the Late Show Prize Bonanza . . . . .
(music from Paul) AUDIENCE GUY: “Hey, where’s my iPhone? You said I won an iPhone! I want my iPhone. No fair!”
Fade to commercial.
ACT 5
Ahhh, Alan Kalter slurping on a delicious Jamba Juice. It’s America’s Summertime Cooler.
ACT 6 VENUS WILLIAMS: She’s the reigning Wimbledon tennis champion, here in town for the upcoming U.S. Open. And earlier today she announced her new clothing line. This excites her to no end since she’s been studying fashion design in school forever. The line is called “EleVen” and I read it’s in partnership with “Steve & Barry’s” and everything in the line is priced under $19.98.
- Venus Williams has won 14 Grand Slam titles, including 6 Single titles: 4 Wimbledons; 2 U.S. Opens
- She holds the fastest serve ever recorded by a female player in a main draw match: 128.8 mph at the 2007 French Open.
Venus says when she saw the speed of her serve on the board at the French Open, she was leading 5-1. The new record distracted her so much that the next thing she knew the game was tied 5-5.
Her winning Wimbledon this summer was extra special because it was the first time the prize money for women was equal to that of the men’s. It’s something Billie Jean King has fought for for years, and something Venus was been working towards as well.
The U.S. Open – it all starts August 27th. I wouldn’t be surprised if we see Venus back here in another month.
ACT 7 STEVE EARLE: From his soon to be released CD (Sept. 25) “Washington Square Serenade,” Steve Earle performed “City of Immigrants.”
And that was our show for Thursday, August 23, 2007.
It’s all baseball today --- I got nothing else.
Texas Rangers 30 – Baltimore Orioles 3. Wednesday night’s game. 30 runs were scored by the Texas Rangers. Their 7-8-9 hitters went 13-19. The 8-9 batters had 14 RBIs. But here is the most amazing stat: Texas relief pitcher Wes Littleton was credited with a Save.
The big news in Yankee-town is the 21-year-old pitching sensation Joba Chamberlain. Fans first started hearing about him in the minors a month ago and since he’s been called up to the big club he’s gone 8 relief innings, allowing 3 hits, no runs, and struck out a bunch. Last night, he struck out the side vs. the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. And the other big news is the dreadful month had by future Hall of Famer, Yankee closer Mariano Rivera. Could this be the start of the changing of the guard?
The silliest sight in sports: a baseball shoving match. A pitcher throws at a batter. The batter doesn’t like it and takes a few steps towards the pitcher. The catcher intercepts the batter before he can get too far. The dugouts empty. And now, “The Silliest Sight in Sports” – the bullpens way out in the outfield, 400 feet away, empty out and join the fray. Both teams’ pitchers trot from their bullpens towards the posturing going on near the pitcher’s mound, hoping the “fight” will be broken up by the time they get there. I laugh every time I see this.
This concludes, “The Silliest Sight in Sports.”
A-Rod’s 500th home run . . . Barry Bonds’ record-breaking home run . . . both of these baseballs could be sold for a lot of money by the fans who caught them. Some say the fans should just give the ball to A-Rod and Barry. I say the fans should hire agent Scott Boras to work out a deal with the ballplayers. You know, put the players in the position of having to open their wallet to get what they want instead of the other way around. If they object, simply tell them “It’s a business.”
1961- Yankee Roger Maris hits his record-breaking 61st home run to break Babe Ruth’s 34-year old record. The fan who catches the ball is escorted to the Yankee clubhouse after the game. The fan offers the ball to Roger. Roger Maris says, “No, you keep it, kid. Make some money on it.”
Boy oh boy, how times have changed.
The kid sold the ball for $5,000 and gave a lot of the money to his parents to pay off bills.
Oh, and when Roger Maris hit the 61st home run . . . . he ran the bases with his head down, embarrassed by the whole thing and all the attention. And then his teammates had to push him out of the dugout to take a curtain call. It’s the way I hope I would act if and when I break Barry Bonds’ single season record. Bonds’ career record is safe from me. I’m too old and wouldn’t have the time.
*And now, even more useless information from “The Ultimate Book of Useless Information” by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
- the par for the world’s longest golf hole --- the 909-yard seventh hole in Japan’s Sano golf course --- is seven.
- All five sons of heavyweight boxing champion George Foreman are named George.
- The colors blue, red, yellow, black, and green were chosen for the Olympic rings
because at least one of them appears on the flag of every nation in the world.
- the discus throw is the only track and field event for which a world record has never been set in Olympic competition
- the world’s fastest racquet sport is badminton, where the shuttlecock reaches speeds of nearly 200 miles per hour.
I still say badminton is the sport of the future. Great game, extremely fast, very exhausting, and anyone can play. Some of these struggling indoor sport facilities would do themselves a favor by introducing a badminton league and tournament. Played correctly, it definitely isn’t your father’s badminton game anymore.
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn’t.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Hollywood, California, it’s Frank Dana.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Tina Fey; Venus Williams; and Steve Earle. PLUS:Tucker vs. Cooper; the Late Show U.S. Open Preview; the World’s Oldest Diamonds; Mother Teresa’s Letters; Great Moments; a Top Ten List; the Late Show Prize Bonanza; and Ask Karl Rove.
“ . . . and now, pitching coach for the Baltimore Orioles . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1
I wasn’t at my usual spot early in the show. I was to do a LIVE voiceover for a joke in the ACT 1. I wait backstage as Dave finishes his monologue. After the last joke, I come on stage to stand at Alan Kalter’s position. I could have gone out at any time during the monologue but I like to wait till Dave’s done so not to distract him. Plus, there’s always the chance I might trip on something or knock something over. If this happened during the monologue it could be a show stopper. If this happened during Paul’s music and Dave’s crossover, it would hardly be noticed.
I make to Alan’s microphone and wait for my voiceover. It was a much longer wait than expected as Dave talked about a Jamba Juice he had earlier and he also mentioned something that took place during the pre-show Q&A. I think a young couple couldn’t decide on what to name their baby who was on the way. One wanted “Tucker.” The other wanted “Cooper.” Dave says up in the dressing room there is often a dog named . . . . Cooper. Therefore, Dave would go with Tucker. From the shot of the couple, it looked like that’s the name the husband wanted. Paul then recited a little ditty about the name Tucker which I think ended with a word that rhymed with “Tucker.”
The U.S. Open starts early next week right down the road in Flushing Meadows in Queens. It’s a big deal around here, so we put together something we call the “LATE SHOW U.S. OPEN PREVIEW.”
Music from Paul. A nice tennis graphic appears. And then . . . . nothing more. That’s all we have so far.
As Dave begins to go on to the next joke, he holds the blue card of the prior joke in such a way that is visible to the home viewer. What was on the card and what was underlined?
(ed.note: I went home last night and saw this part of the show on TV. Without the HD, I couldn’t see the blue card in Dave’s right hand. But since the following was already written, I certainly wasn’t going to delete it.)
1. At the top left hand corner:
EXTRA: U.S. OPEN PREVIEW
2. At the top right hand corner is the number ‘1’ written in pencil to signal it’s the first
joke.
3. skip a few lines
- IT’S TIME FOR THE ‘LATE SHOW U.S. OPEN PREVIEW
– this is underlined in black marker to catch Dave’s eye for what he is to say.
4. skip a few lines: under that is typed in lower case, in parenthesis and indented, what
will unfold.
- (music from Paul; graphic)
5. skip a few lines: Dave’s next line – THAT’S ALL WE HAVE.
6. skip a bunch of lines. I add some information near the bottom of the card – it’s info I think Dave may want to move the piece along. In this case I added this:
FYI: 2007 U.S. OPEN
- FLUSHING MEADOWS, QUEENS, NEW YORK
- AUGUST 27-SEPTEMBER 4TH
And that’s your typical blue card.
DAVE: “Fascinating story in today’s newspapers. Scientists in Australia have discovered what they claim to be the world’s oldest diamonds. The diamonds are believed to be 4.5 billion years old.”
Biff enters behind Dave: “Kobe Bryant just bought them for his wife!”
Sound effects: slide whistle:
Freeze on Dave and Biff.
Announce: “Catch the comedy duo of ‘Dave & Biff’ this Saturday night at the Borgata in Atlantic City. Topical zingers at their finest! Good seats still available!”
That was me on the announce. It was to be Alan but for some reason it was given to me just before the show. When I have a voiceover to do, I usually type out my lines on a card to cut out the “distraction” of the other printed words on the page. Or I’ll print my lines off the computer in big font for me to read. If I was just starting out in grade school today, I probably would be diagnosed with a reading-tracking problem. But back in my day, a tracking problem was simply diagnosed as someone who is just a bad reader.
But why am I asked to do voiceovers? I have no idea and I’m not asking, either. They offer, I take. I think they originally liked my over-the-top enthusiasm and tinny, nasally voice. After a while, I tried to be more professional in my voiceovers. I listened to one of my “professional” attempts and decided there’s nothing worse than a bad voiceover guy trying to be good. I’ve decided to go back to my original amateurish enthusiasm and leave the professionalism to the professionals.
Some of Mother Teresa’s letters have been made public for the first time, and they reveal a side to her that most of us never got to see. We had an excerpt tonight.
Graphic: The Mother Teresa Letters.
– narration from Mother Teresa’s letters.
Announce: “May 15, 1982.”
Shots of Mother Teresa
Announce: “If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is that there is no greater deed than providing comfort and joy to others. And that is why I implore all of the executives at CBS to please reconsider your decision to cancel ‘WKRP in Cincinnati.’
Sincerely, Mother Teresa.”
As Dave begins to go on to the next thing, something catches his eye. Dave yells directly into the camera, “Susan! Get out of my car!”
Cut to Susan Hum rummaging through the glove compartment of Dave’s car. The startled costume designer realizes she’s been discovered and quickly runs away.
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
We see FDR.
We see JFK.
We see George W. Bush: “ . . . . . I always like a good barbecue.”
ACT 2 ASK KARL ROVE:
KARL ROVE, THE MAN KNOWN AS GEORGE W. BUSH’S BRAIN, RECENTLY ANNOUNCED HE’S QUITTING AS THE PRESIDENT’S CHIEF ADVISER. HE’S HERE TONIGHT TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS.
Karl Rove (actually, former L.S. writer Gerard Mulligan) enters wearing typical pocket t-shirt and jeans.
- STEVEN BRADFORD, SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA: “WHAT WAS THE MOST CHALLENGING THING ABOUT WORKING FOR PRESIDENT BUSH?”
Karl Rove: “I guess the hardest part was keeping up with his grueling four-hour-a-week work schedule.”
rim shot
Mulligan: “Oh, it’s on!”
- JOHN BLAYLOCK, HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA: “WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT DICK CHENEY?”
Karl Rove: “I know most people think Dick Cheney is cold, calculating and unfeeling, but the truth is, he’s a miserable prick.”
Rim shot
Mulligan: (cocks an imaginary shotgun and fires repeatedly – SFX)
- DAN MURPHY, LAS VEGAS, NEVADA: “WHAT’S THE SECRET TO RUNNING A SUCCESSFUL PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN?”
Karl Rove: “Well, things like integrity, commitment, and vision are important . . .but I’m gonna have to go with rigged voting machines.”
Rim shot
Mulligan: (pulls imaginary slot machine lever; SFX – slot machine hitting jackpot) “I’m a millionaire! I’m a millionaire! I’m a millionaire!”
- JACK CLAUSSEN, ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA: “WHO DO YOU LIKE IN THE 2008 ELECTION?”
Karl Rove: “I think it’s time for a polished, feminine candidate who always looks salon fresh. That’s why I’m supporting Mitt Romney.”
Rim shot
Mulligan: (delivers a karate kick; SFX: wood breaking)
- MEGAN JAMES, ATLANTA, GEORGIA: “WHY DID THIS ADMINISTRATION DECIDE TO ATTACK IRAQ INSTEAD OF PURSUE OSAMA BIN LADEN INTO WAZIRISTAN?”
Karl Rove: “The President couldn’t pronounce Waziristan”
Rim shot
Mulligan: “Cock-a-doodle dooo!”
- MAX SNYDER, DAYTON, OHIO: “WHAT DO YOU THINK THE ADMINISTRATION SHOULD DO NEXT REGARDING IRAQ?”
Karl Rove: “Carefully study their options, consults with military experts, and stall until Hillary takes over.”
Rim shot
Mulligan: (crack of the bat and shouts) “It’s an A-Bomb from K-Rove!”
- MELISSA BYRD, RICHMOND, VIRGINIA: “HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BEING KNOWN AS “BUSH’S BRAIN”?
Karl Rove: “That’s sort of like being known as Rosie O’Donnell’s personal trainer.”
Rim shot
Mulligan: (rubbing eyes) “Awww, what’s a matter? Is Rosie gonna cry?”
- BEN CARLYLE, MADISON, WISCONSIN: “DO YOU THINK YOUR CHILDREN ARE PROUD OF YOU?”
Karl Rove: “They always brag about my job to their friends, because for the past six years, I told them I’ve worked at Cold Stone Creamery”
Rim shot
Mulligan: (turns to other camera; camera zoom) (seductively) “Love me.”
- LARRY JENKINS, HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT: “HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO CRITICS WHO CALL YOU AN EGO-MANIAC WHO HAS FOREVER LOWERED THE LEVEL OF DEBATE AND DISCOURSE IN THIS COUNTRY?”
Karl Rove: (no response)
- KARL?
Mulligan: “I’m sorry, I thought that question was for you.”
Rim shot
- RONALD ASHBY, LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY: “WHAT’S CONDOLEEZZA RICE LIKE?”
Karl Rove: “Cold, reserved, and humorless. Like this audience.”
Rim shot
Mulligan: (exiting) “That’s my time. See ‘Legally Blonde’ on Broadway. All the fun of the movie for 85 bucks a ticket! You’ll be glad you did.”
EXITS
Music from Paul: “You Be Illin’”
And that was Karl Rove.
ACT 3 TOP TEN: SENIOR CITIZEN PICK-UP LINES – There was something in today’s newspaper about seniors getting it on.
10. “Wanna swap teeth?”
8. “Ever done it in a crafmatic adjustable bed?”
TINA FEY: Nominated for 3 Emmy Awards for her work on “30 Rock.” She’s the star, the creator, and the writer of the very funny NBC series. The 2nd season begins in early October and the 1st season is now on DVD, in stores September 4th. Even though she’s nominated for 3 Emmys, there’s no guarantee she’ll win. That’s why she says she’ll bring the Emmy she won as a writer for “Saturday Night Live” to the ceremony so she can get in to all the after-Emmy parties.
Tina is a mom to a 2-year-old daughter. It’s an exciting age. She’s just learning to talk; she’s walking; she’s full of questions. She wants to walk everywhere, but then when they get there she wants to be carried. And carrying her 2-year-old is like carrying an air conditioner. Dave asks how much Tina’s daughter weighs and she says, “30 pounds.” I laughed at Dave’s reaction. Like every parent, whether they mean to or not, Dave seemed to be measuring his son up to other people’s children. Dave says his boy, Harry, at 3-and-a-half is 36 pounds. Tina’s daughter is 2 and weighs 30. Dave points out that Harry’s weight is at the 50 percentile. And then Tina talks about her daughter going to the potty for the first time. Dave is surprised that her daughter has already going through potty training at 2 years old. Dave says Tina deserves an Emmy for that alone! I have no idea but I imagined Dave quickly calculating Harry’s potty training history and measuring it against Tina’s daughter. Sigh, the angst of being a parent . . . .
I don’t watch much TV but if I did I think I would watch “30 Rock.” Maybe after the Yankees win the Series this year I’ll tune in. I’ve heard lots of good things about it.
ACT 4
We come back from commercial to find Dave standing center stage with our Late Show models. Between the models is an iPhone. DAVE: “You’re here on an exciting night, because we’re about to give one lucky audience member a fabulous prize in the Late Show Prize Bonanza!” (fanfare; graphic) DAVE: “Okay, Alan, who’s the lucky winner?” ALAN: “Dave, it’s Wayne Adams from Grand Rapids, Michigan! Come on down! You’ve won a brand-new Apple iPhone in the Late Show Prize Bonanza!”
Wayne comes running from the audience on stage to receive his iPhone, plus he receives a peck on each cheek from the Late Show models. The giddy winner exits. DAVE: “Congratulations to Wayne! I’m sure he’ll enjoy his . . . . .”
Dave is suddenly interrupted by another guy from the audience. He is out of breath. AUDIENCE GUY: “Hey, I’m Wayne Adams. Sorry it took me so long to get down here. I was way up in the balcony. . . . . DAVE: “ . . . . . . . Okay, that’s how we play the Late Show Prize Bonanza . . . . .
(music from Paul) AUDIENCE GUY: “Hey, where’s my iPhone? You said I won an iPhone! I want my iPhone. No fair!”
Fade to commercial.
ACT 5
Ahhh, Alan Kalter slurping on a delicious Jamba Juice. It’s America’s Summertime Cooler.
ACT 6 VENUS WILLIAMS: She’s the reigning Wimbledon tennis champion, here in town for the upcoming U.S. Open. And earlier today she announced her new clothing line. This excites her to no end since she’s been studying fashion design in school forever. The line is called “EleVen” and I read it’s in partnership with “Steve & Barry’s” and everything in the line is priced under $19.98.
- Venus Williams has won 14 Grand Slam titles, including 6 Single titles: 4 Wimbledons; 2 U.S. Opens
- She holds the fastest serve ever recorded by a female player in a main draw match: 128.8 mph at the 2007 French Open.
Venus says when she saw the speed of her serve on the board at the French Open, she was leading 5-1. The new record distracted her so much that the next thing she knew the game was tied 5-5.
Her winning Wimbledon this summer was extra special because it was the first time the prize money for women was equal to that of the men’s. It’s something Billie Jean King has fought for for years, and something Venus was been working towards as well.
The U.S. Open – it all starts August 27th. I wouldn’t be surprised if we see Venus back here in another month.
ACT 7 STEVE EARLE: From his soon to be released CD (Sept. 25) “Washington Square Serenade,” Steve Earle performed “City of Immigrants.”
And that was our show for Thursday, August 23, 2007.
It’s all baseball today --- I got nothing else.
Texas Rangers 30 – Baltimore Orioles 3. Wednesday night’s game. 30 runs were scored by the Texas Rangers. Their 7-8-9 hitters went 13-19. The 8-9 batters had 14 RBIs. But here is the most amazing stat: Texas relief pitcher Wes Littleton was credited with a Save.
The big news in Yankee-town is the 21-year-old pitching sensation Joba Chamberlain. Fans first started hearing about him in the minors a month ago and since he’s been called up to the big club he’s gone 8 relief innings, allowing 3 hits, no runs, and struck out a bunch. Last night, he struck out the side vs. the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. And the other big news is the dreadful month had by future Hall of Famer, Yankee closer Mariano Rivera. Could this be the start of the changing of the guard?
The silliest sight in sports: a baseball shoving match. A pitcher throws at a batter. The batter doesn’t like it and takes a few steps towards the pitcher. The catcher intercepts the batter before he can get too far. The dugouts empty. And now, “The Silliest Sight in Sports” – the bullpens way out in the outfield, 400 feet away, empty out and join the fray. Both teams’ pitchers trot from their bullpens towards the posturing going on near the pitcher’s mound, hoping the “fight” will be broken up by the time they get there. I laugh every time I see this.
This concludes, “The Silliest Sight in Sports.”
A-Rod’s 500th home run . . . Barry Bonds’ record-breaking home run . . . both of these baseballs could be sold for a lot of money by the fans who caught them. Some say the fans should just give the ball to A-Rod and Barry. I say the fans should hire agent Scott Boras to work out a deal with the ballplayers. You know, put the players in the position of having to open their wallet to get what they want instead of the other way around. If they object, simply tell them “It’s a business.”
1961- Yankee Roger Maris hits his record-breaking 61st home run to break Babe Ruth’s 34-year old record. The fan who catches the ball is escorted to the Yankee clubhouse after the game. The fan offers the ball to Roger. Roger Maris says, “No, you keep it, kid. Make some money on it.”
Boy oh boy, how times have changed.
The kid sold the ball for $5,000 and gave a lot of the money to his parents to pay off bills.
Oh, and when Roger Maris hit the 61st home run . . . . he ran the bases with his head down, embarrassed by the whole thing and all the attention. And then his teammates had to push him out of the dugout to take a curtain call. It’s the way I hope I would act if and when I break Barry Bonds’ single season record. Bonds’ career record is safe from me. I’m too old and wouldn’t have the time.
*And now, even more useless information from “The Ultimate Book of Useless Information” by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
- the par for the world’s longest golf hole --- the 909-yard seventh hole in Japan’s Sano golf course --- is seven.
- All five sons of heavyweight boxing champion George Foreman are named George.
- The colors blue, red, yellow, black, and green were chosen for the Olympic rings
because at least one of them appears on the flag of every nation in the world.
- the discus throw is the only track and field event for which a world record has never been set in Olympic competition
- the world’s fastest racquet sport is badminton, where the shuttlecock reaches speeds of nearly 200 miles per hour.
I still say badminton is the sport of the future. Great game, extremely fast, very exhausting, and anyone can play. Some of these struggling indoor sport facilities would do themselves a favor by introducing a badminton league and tournament. Played correctly, it definitely isn’t your father’s badminton game anymore.
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn’t.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Hollywood, California, it’s Frank Dana.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Late Show U.S. Open Preview • Dave & Biff Comedy Team • Mother Teresa Letters • Susan, Get Out Of My Car • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Ask Karl Rove
ACT 3 • Top Ten Senior Citizen Pick-Up Lines Read now
