DAVETV If you could look at only one thing on the Internet, DaveTV would be the obvious choice. What other so-called "website" lets you watch LATE SHOW Highlights, Comedy Clips, Slideshows, Stupid Trick clips and The Tony Mendez Show?
TOP TEN LIST You know it, you love it, you can't live without it: the revolutionary comedy bit that won Dave the Nobel Peace Prize. Check out the latest Top Ten List here.
TOP TEN ARCHIVES Old Top Ten Lists never die, they just get archived. The Top Ten Archives is searchable by date and keyword. Also, please note that the word "archives" contains the word "chives."
TOP TEN CONTEST So you think you're as funny as Dave's writers? Or maybe you just enjoy wasting time at work? See if you've got the chops to win a great prize in our weekly Top Ten Contest.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Regis Philbin; and Chamillionaire. PLUS:Fred Thompson’s Campaign Commercial; a Message from Apple Computers; the Late Show on Verizon Wireless; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Top Ten List; and the Late Show Fun Facts.
“ . . . and now, New York’s crime-busting Governor . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1 Mono joke: A Mississippi Taco Bell was closed when a snake was found inside. The good news: No more rats. A customer realized something was wrong when he noticed his burrito was rattling.
Dave says Tony, the cue card boy, threw up his hands and let out a big sigh when that joke was told. Tony wanted it clear that there was no snake in the food. It was only in the restaurant; not in the food. Dave doesn’t want trouble and asks for clarification. A message is delivered that a snake was thrown into the Taco Bell through the Drive-Thru window.
Dave then does his impersonation of Tony’s exasperated reaction.
After months of speculation, former Senator Fred Thompson officially announced his candidacy for President. Today he released his first campaign commercial. We take a look. Announce: (shot of Fred Thompson – slowly pushes in) “Fred Thompson wants to run a different kind of campaign for President. A campaign in which he listens to the people, not special interests or pundits. Fred Thompson wants to restore principles of security, unity, and . . . . holy crap! Look at the size of this guy’s head! It’s as big as a tractor wheel!
Paid for by ‘I’m With Fred’”
DAVE: “We’ll be right back after this message from Apple Computers.”
My heart skips a beat every time I hear Dave lead into this. I immediately look up from what I’m doing and blurt, “NO, no commercial yet!” I then realize it’s the intro to the fake Mac/PC commercials we prepared with Gerard Mulligan and Chris Elliott.
Mulligan, as the PC, brags to the MAC that he is getting more RAM installed. PC looks to the technician and asks how much longer? The tech says, “We should be done in about 3 hours.” Why so long! The PC bashes the techie over the head and snarls, “Don’t make me look bad in front of the MAC again!” The technician falls to the ground. Blood oozes from the back of his head.
Verizon Wireless customers can now watch full episodes of the LATE SHOW on their cell phone. We couldn’t be more proud, and CBS is getting the word out with this announcement. Announcer:“Attention Late Show fans: Starting this week, you can take Dave and the gang with you wherever you go, thanks to Verizon Wireless’s V Cast service. You’ll get all the great guests and hilarious comedy you’ve grown to love. And best of all, unlike viewers watching on regular television sets, your tiny screen will make it virtually impossible to see the hideous detail in Dave’s creepy old zombie face.”
(split screen of regular-sized TV and tiny cell phone screen) “Verizon: Making television smaller and harder to see.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES.
We see Truman.
We see JFK.
We see George W. Bush exiting the wrong way. Australian Prime Minister John Howard motions with his finger to the President.
ACT 2 LATE SHOW FUN FACTS Dear Mr. Letterman,
Enclosed is the latest assortment of ‘Fun Facts’ compiled by the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information. I hope you find them entertaining.
Also, Dave, I hope you’ll drop by our luxury sky box at FedEx Field for any Redskins home game. Enjoy snacks, beverages, and chatting with all your favorite FBMI officials. Hope to see you soon!
Sincerely,
Gary Sherman.”
Dave then reads this week’s list of Fun Facts.
Here’s a Fun Fact; one of my own. If they used fewer commercials, Geico could save you 20% on your auto insurance.
ACT 3 TOP TEN: SIGNS YOU’RE NOT GOING TO WIN AN EMMY AWARD – The Emmy Awards are Sunday night at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles. The Host will be Ryan Seacrest. What else was on the information card that Dave did not read? I listed the 3 categories the LATE SHOW was up for.
1. Your name --- Regis.
2. Only appearance on television this year was Maury informing you you’re a daddy.
REGIS PHILBIN
Regis just concluded the two-week celebration of his 20 years as host of his daytime show. Dave thanks Regis for all he’s done in the business, congratulates him, and says a grateful nation salutes you. Plus, he smells good. Regis thanks Dave for the kind words but is a little upset about the #1 in the Best Ten list.
Regis talks about Dave’s appearance on the Oprah show earlier in the week. Regis was excited for Dave but became queasy over the constant hugging and kissing. Regis says it went on way too long. Dave was afraid of that and thinks that perhaps he should have toned it down, admitting “I felt I sucked up too much.” He continues to be bothered by it. Regis, on the other hand, is happy with Dave being bothered by it.
And what was all that talk on the Oprah show about Regis being so old? Regis says how Oprah pointed out that 60 is the new 40. But Dave pointed out that Regis is the new 90.
And speaking of getting old and feeling old, a concerned Regis complains about a heavy weight he feels on his chest ever since the triple bypass. There is a tightness. Dave reassures Regis that it is temporary. After 6 months everything will be fine. Regis does a quick calculation and says he is right at the 6-month mark now. A still concerned Regis can’t let go. Try as he might, Dave tells Regis not to worry about it, explaining that what they both went through was a terrible invasion on the body. Tightness, soreness, pain, a heaviness on the chest is to be expected. Regis thanks Dave for the pep talk but isn’t quite convinced.
Hey, what’s with the Notre Dame? Regis is a Notre Dame alum and the football team has gotten off to a stumbling start. This weekend they take on a bigger stumbling team in the Michigan Wolverines. One of the two teams will find themselves 0-3 Saturday night. Meanwhile, the Ball State Fighting Cardinals won last weekend and are 1-1 and face the Midshipmen of Navy.
And now a quick trip down Memory Lane. We have a clip of Regis on the Joey Bishop Show with Regis involved in a cake-fight entertainment legend, Sammy Davis, Jr.
Congratulations, Regis, on 20 fantastic years. May you have at least another 20.
ACT 5 Announce: “After the ‘Late Show,’ stay tuned for an all-new ‘Tic-Tac-Dough!’ Tonight, Wink gives away a grand prize of $20,000. Tic-Tac-Don’t Miss It!”
ACT 7 CHAMILLIONAIRE: From his new CD, “Ultimate Victory,”
Chamillionaire, with special guest Slick Rick, performed, “Hip Hop Police.”
Do you think the violinists had this in mind when they first took up the stringed instrument?
And that was our show for Friday September 14, 2007.
Football weekend: What to watch! Notre Dame vs. Michigan. Michigan is a 7-point favorite. The 0-2 Michigan Wolverines were supposed to be 3-0 after this weekend. And 0-2 Notre Dame . . . well, they can always tell stories about Knute Rockne. Oklahoma vs. Utah State – Oklahoma is a 46-point favorite. Question: Yes or no, Oklahoma will score over 65 points. New York Giants – QB Eli Manning may be out for the game. Filling in: 6-foot, 4-inch, 285-pound quarterback Jared Lorenzen. That’s right, 285 pounds. He’s a fun watch.
After the NASCAR drivers were on the other night, I decided to leaf through a
“NASCAR FOR DUMMIES” book. This got me to thinking that there should be a TV show for dummies, summarizing all the big events in the world today and in history. It should be very simply, geared towards the 6th grader, so adults won’t be frightened away. Some topics:
- fact-filled 1/2 hour show about problems in the Middle East
- northern Ireland
- global warming
- dangers of nuclear power
- Africa
- The Vietnam War
- e=mc2
- how a magnet works
- War of 1812
- Che Guevara
- Spiro Agnew
- Cuba
- Religions
- Christianity: Baptists vs. Episcopalian vs. Roman Catholic vs. Presbyterian vs. all the rest. What’s the difference?
- etc.
Les, give me a call and we’ll talk.
I won’t be going to the Emmys this week; I’ll be attending a wedding instead. I haven’t gone to the Emmys in quite a few years. When I would go 10 years ago, I would drive up to the auditorium, leave my rental car with the valet, and walk up the long red carpet. I would like to pretend I was somebody. Fans in bleachers would be to the right and to the left. I would feed off their envy. I would try to stand behind Joan Rivers while she was interviewing a real celebrity. It was the best part of the whole affair. But now . . . but now . . . the non-celebs like me have to park a quarter-mile away and are driven to the auditorium in a little jitney bus. And we have to go in through a side door. What’s the fun in that? So, the Emmy trip isn’t nearly as fun as it used to be. But I may be going again in a few years, just to take my girls.
Oh, and if YOU ever have the opportunity to go to the Emmys or the Academy Awards or to any Awards show, I recommend going to the bathroom whether you have to go or not. You never know who you will meet. I once met the “My Favorite Martian” guy in the urinal right next to me.
There is a nuclear plant in Westchester, just north of the city, called Indian Point. I live about 10 miles from it across the Hudson River. If there is a catastrophe at the plant, sirens within a 10-mile radius are supposed to sound to inform the citizenry of the dangerous situation. Well, for as long as I can remember there have been problems with the sirens. They seem to be tested every few months and every few months there is a report of a problem with the sirens; some don’t work, some aren’t loud enough, inadequate, stuff like that. It makes me nervous that a nuclear plant, responsible for housing powerful and deadly material, can’t get a horn to work properly.
Of course, I’m not afraid of a nuclear meltdown. I’m afraid of the traffic that would ensue to get out of town.
LATE SHOW Emmy nominations for Sunday night:
- Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program – Dave
Letterman
- Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series
- Outstanding Writing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program
Here’s something I’m working on: An audio version of the Wahoo Gazette. I was hoping to get Pat Paulsen to narrate, but he’s dead.
Next Week’s Previously Viewed Programs: MONDAY: From 8/01/07; #2795: Matt Damon; Jeff Altman; and Angelique Kidjo. PLUS: Who Asked For It TUESDAY: From 8/23/07; #2801: Tina Fey; Venus Williams; and Steve Earle. PLUS: Ask Karl Rove WEDNESDAY: From 8/29/07; #2805: Ellen Degeneres; Jeff Garlin; and Against Me! Plus: Is This Anything? With the ‘Givl” You guy THURSDAY: From 7/31/07; #2794: Seth Rogen; Senator Joe Biden; Gogol Bordello. PLUS: Old Faithful FRIDAY: From 8/22/07; #2800: Richard Gere; Tom Dreesen, and Velvet Revolver PLUS: How They Spent Their Summer
Check the Wahoo Archives and make your plans accordingly.
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn’t.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Succasunna, New Jersey, it’s Trisha Keeley.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Regis Philbin; and Chamillionaire. PLUS:Fred Thompson’s Campaign Commercial; a Message from Apple Computers; the Late Show on Verizon Wireless; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Top Ten List; and the Late Show Fun Facts.
“ . . . and now, New York’s crime-busting Governor . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1 Mono joke: A Mississippi Taco Bell was closed when a snake was found inside. The good news: No more rats. A customer realized something was wrong when he noticed his burrito was rattling.
Dave says Tony, the cue card boy, threw up his hands and let out a big sigh when that joke was told. Tony wanted it clear that there was no snake in the food. It was only in the restaurant; not in the food. Dave doesn’t want trouble and asks for clarification. A message is delivered that a snake was thrown into the Taco Bell through the Drive-Thru window.
Dave then does his impersonation of Tony’s exasperated reaction.
After months of speculation, former Senator Fred Thompson officially announced his candidacy for President. Today he released his first campaign commercial. We take a look. Announce: (shot of Fred Thompson – slowly pushes in) “Fred Thompson wants to run a different kind of campaign for President. A campaign in which he listens to the people, not special interests or pundits. Fred Thompson wants to restore principles of security, unity, and . . . . holy crap! Look at the size of this guy’s head! It’s as big as a tractor wheel!
Paid for by ‘I’m With Fred’”
DAVE: “We’ll be right back after this message from Apple Computers.”
My heart skips a beat every time I hear Dave lead into this. I immediately look up from what I’m doing and blurt, “NO, no commercial yet!” I then realize it’s the intro to the fake Mac/PC commercials we prepared with Gerard Mulligan and Chris Elliott.
Mulligan, as the PC, brags to the MAC that he is getting more RAM installed. PC looks to the technician and asks how much longer? The tech says, “We should be done in about 3 hours.” Why so long! The PC bashes the techie over the head and snarls, “Don’t make me look bad in front of the MAC again!” The technician falls to the ground. Blood oozes from the back of his head.
Verizon Wireless customers can now watch full episodes of the LATE SHOW on their cell phone. We couldn’t be more proud, and CBS is getting the word out with this announcement. Announcer:“Attention Late Show fans: Starting this week, you can take Dave and the gang with you wherever you go, thanks to Verizon Wireless’s V Cast service. You’ll get all the great guests and hilarious comedy you’ve grown to love. And best of all, unlike viewers watching on regular television sets, your tiny screen will make it virtually impossible to see the hideous detail in Dave’s creepy old zombie face.”
(split screen of regular-sized TV and tiny cell phone screen) “Verizon: Making television smaller and harder to see.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES.
We see Truman.
We see JFK.
We see George W. Bush exiting the wrong way. Australian Prime Minister John Howard motions with his finger to the President.
ACT 2 LATE SHOW FUN FACTS Dear Mr. Letterman,
Enclosed is the latest assortment of ‘Fun Facts’ compiled by the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information. I hope you find them entertaining.
Also, Dave, I hope you’ll drop by our luxury sky box at FedEx Field for any Redskins home game. Enjoy snacks, beverages, and chatting with all your favorite FBMI officials. Hope to see you soon!
Sincerely,
Gary Sherman.”
Dave then reads this week’s list of Fun Facts.
Here’s a Fun Fact; one of my own. If they used fewer commercials, Geico could save you 20% on your auto insurance.
ACT 3 TOP TEN: SIGNS YOU’RE NOT GOING TO WIN AN EMMY AWARD – The Emmy Awards are Sunday night at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles. The Host will be Ryan Seacrest. What else was on the information card that Dave did not read? I listed the 3 categories the LATE SHOW was up for.
1. Your name --- Regis.
2. Only appearance on television this year was Maury informing you you’re a daddy.
REGIS PHILBIN
Regis just concluded the two-week celebration of his 20 years as host of his daytime show. Dave thanks Regis for all he’s done in the business, congratulates him, and says a grateful nation salutes you. Plus, he smells good. Regis thanks Dave for the kind words but is a little upset about the #1 in the Best Ten list.
Regis talks about Dave’s appearance on the Oprah show earlier in the week. Regis was excited for Dave but became queasy over the constant hugging and kissing. Regis says it went on way too long. Dave was afraid of that and thinks that perhaps he should have toned it down, admitting “I felt I sucked up too much.” He continues to be bothered by it. Regis, on the other hand, is happy with Dave being bothered by it.
And what was all that talk on the Oprah show about Regis being so old? Regis says how Oprah pointed out that 60 is the new 40. But Dave pointed out that Regis is the new 90.
And speaking of getting old and feeling old, a concerned Regis complains about a heavy weight he feels on his chest ever since the triple bypass. There is a tightness. Dave reassures Regis that it is temporary. After 6 months everything will be fine. Regis does a quick calculation and says he is right at the 6-month mark now. A still concerned Regis can’t let go. Try as he might, Dave tells Regis not to worry about it, explaining that what they both went through was a terrible invasion on the body. Tightness, soreness, pain, a heaviness on the chest is to be expected. Regis thanks Dave for the pep talk but isn’t quite convinced.
Hey, what’s with the Notre Dame? Regis is a Notre Dame alum and the football team has gotten off to a stumbling start. This weekend they take on a bigger stumbling team in the Michigan Wolverines. One of the two teams will find themselves 0-3 Saturday night. Meanwhile, the Ball State Fighting Cardinals won last weekend and are 1-1 and face the Midshipmen of Navy.
And now a quick trip down Memory Lane. We have a clip of Regis on the Joey Bishop Show with Regis involved in a cake-fight entertainment legend, Sammy Davis, Jr.
Congratulations, Regis, on 20 fantastic years. May you have at least another 20.
ACT 5 Announce: “After the ‘Late Show,’ stay tuned for an all-new ‘Tic-Tac-Dough!’ Tonight, Wink gives away a grand prize of $20,000. Tic-Tac-Don’t Miss It!”
ACT 7 CHAMILLIONAIRE: From his new CD, “Ultimate Victory,”
Chamillionaire, with special guest Slick Rick, performed, “Hip Hop Police.”
Do you think the violinists had this in mind when they first took up the stringed instrument?
And that was our show for Friday September 14, 2007.
Football weekend: What to watch! Notre Dame vs. Michigan. Michigan is a 7-point favorite. The 0-2 Michigan Wolverines were supposed to be 3-0 after this weekend. And 0-2 Notre Dame . . . well, they can always tell stories about Knute Rockne. Oklahoma vs. Utah State – Oklahoma is a 46-point favorite. Question: Yes or no, Oklahoma will score over 65 points. New York Giants – QB Eli Manning may be out for the game. Filling in: 6-foot, 4-inch, 285-pound quarterback Jared Lorenzen. That’s right, 285 pounds. He’s a fun watch.
After the NASCAR drivers were on the other night, I decided to leaf through a
“NASCAR FOR DUMMIES” book. This got me to thinking that there should be a TV show for dummies, summarizing all the big events in the world today and in history. It should be very simply, geared towards the 6th grader, so adults won’t be frightened away. Some topics:
- fact-filled 1/2 hour show about problems in the Middle East
- northern Ireland
- global warming
- dangers of nuclear power
- Africa
- The Vietnam War
- e=mc2
- how a magnet works
- War of 1812
- Che Guevara
- Spiro Agnew
- Cuba
- Religions
- Christianity: Baptists vs. Episcopalian vs. Roman Catholic vs. Presbyterian vs. all the rest. What’s the difference?
- etc.
Les, give me a call and we’ll talk.
I won’t be going to the Emmys this week; I’ll be attending a wedding instead. I haven’t gone to the Emmys in quite a few years. When I would go 10 years ago, I would drive up to the auditorium, leave my rental car with the valet, and walk up the long red carpet. I would like to pretend I was somebody. Fans in bleachers would be to the right and to the left. I would feed off their envy. I would try to stand behind Joan Rivers while she was interviewing a real celebrity. It was the best part of the whole affair. But now . . . but now . . . the non-celebs like me have to park a quarter-mile away and are driven to the auditorium in a little jitney bus. And we have to go in through a side door. What’s the fun in that? So, the Emmy trip isn’t nearly as fun as it used to be. But I may be going again in a few years, just to take my girls.
Oh, and if YOU ever have the opportunity to go to the Emmys or the Academy Awards or to any Awards show, I recommend going to the bathroom whether you have to go or not. You never know who you will meet. I once met the “My Favorite Martian” guy in the urinal right next to me.
There is a nuclear plant in Westchester, just north of the city, called Indian Point. I live about 10 miles from it across the Hudson River. If there is a catastrophe at the plant, sirens within a 10-mile radius are supposed to sound to inform the citizenry of the dangerous situation. Well, for as long as I can remember there have been problems with the sirens. They seem to be tested every few months and every few months there is a report of a problem with the sirens; some don’t work, some aren’t loud enough, inadequate, stuff like that. It makes me nervous that a nuclear plant, responsible for housing powerful and deadly material, can’t get a horn to work properly.
Of course, I’m not afraid of a nuclear meltdown. I’m afraid of the traffic that would ensue to get out of town.
LATE SHOW Emmy nominations for Sunday night:
- Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program – Dave
Letterman
- Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series
- Outstanding Writing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program
Here’s something I’m working on: An audio version of the Wahoo Gazette. I was hoping to get Pat Paulsen to narrate, but he’s dead.
Next Week’s Previously Viewed Programs: MONDAY: From 8/01/07; #2795: Matt Damon; Jeff Altman; and Angelique Kidjo. PLUS: Who Asked For It TUESDAY: From 8/23/07; #2801: Tina Fey; Venus Williams; and Steve Earle. PLUS: Ask Karl Rove WEDNESDAY: From 8/29/07; #2805: Ellen Degeneres; Jeff Garlin; and Against Me! Plus: Is This Anything? With the ‘Givl” You guy THURSDAY: From 7/31/07; #2794: Seth Rogen; Senator Joe Biden; Gogol Bordello. PLUS: Old Faithful FRIDAY: From 8/22/07; #2800: Richard Gere; Tom Dreesen, and Velvet Revolver PLUS: How They Spent Their Summer
Check the Wahoo Archives and make your plans accordingly.
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn’t.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Succasunna, New Jersey, it’s Trisha Keeley.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Fred Thompson Announcement • Chris Elliott's Mac vs PC Ad • "Late Show" on Verizon • Great Moments In Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Late Show Fun Facts
ACT 3 • Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Winning an Emmy Read now
