DAVETV If you could look at only one thing on the Internet, DaveTV would be the obvious choice. What other so-called "website" lets you watch LATE SHOW Highlights, Comedy Clips, Slideshows, Stupid Trick clips and The Tony Mendez Show?
TOP TEN LIST You know it, you love it, you can't live without it: the revolutionary comedy bit that won Dave the Nobel Peace Prize. Check out the latest Top Ten List here.
TOP TEN ARCHIVES Old Top Ten Lists never die, they just get archived. The Top Ten Archives is searchable by date and keyword. Also, please note that the word "archives" contains the word "chives."
TOP TEN CONTEST So you think you're as funny as Dave's writers? Or maybe you just enjoy wasting time at work? See if you've got the chops to win a great prize in our weekly Top Ten Contest.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Howard Stern; and Gwen Stefani.
PLUS: A Late Show Holiday Message; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Would You Like To Try A Taco Bell Chalupa?; and a Top Ten List, Interrupted by a Rude Audience Member.
We head over to say hello to Rupert. Dave asks Rupert what he knows about the E.Coli thing over at Taco Bell. Dave: "Where were you when you first heard about the E.Coli outbreak at Taco Bell? Rupert: "Uhhh, I think I was watching a football game.
Tonight we are going to play, "Would You Like To Try A Taco Bell Chalupa?
Paul plays his theme to "Would You Like To Try a Taco Bell Chalupa? It was long and drawn out, a bit different from his usual theme music. I laughed each time he and the band performed it. While Rupert runs outside to find a contestant, we continue with our show.
With Christmas around the corner, Dave directs our attention to this HOLIDAY MESSAGE FROM THE LATE SHOW.
We hear soft music. We see lovely holiday graphics. We see pretty Christmassy scenes. And that's all we have so far.
Coming out of that clip, Dave is receiving a message . . . . we have LIVE footage of Nicole Richie . . . . driving home from the Los Angeles Police Stationhouse. We go LIVE to the CNN satellite. We see a white SUV speeding down an L.A. street. Nicole loses control of the car and slides across the intersection, slamming into a fence alongside a house. Dave receives further word that she is OK.
And now it's time for GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES. We see FDR. We see JFK. We see Bush: "The challenge facing the United States is we have to be right one time . . . . I mean 100% of the time . . .
We go back to Rupert's. He is with a guy named Ed from Rockaway in Queens. Ed is home from college, SUNY Oneonta, where he majors in communication. He wants to get into sports journalism. Tonight, we're playing "Would You Like To Try a Taco Bell Chalupa?
Dave says the slogan for Taco Bell was "Think Outside the Bun. Now it's "Look Outside for the Ambulance.
And speaking of ambulance, we got one outside just in case something goes wrong during "Would You Like To Try a Taco Bell Chalupa?
Come to think of it, I was expecting Paul to play something like "My Chalupa by the Knack.
We are ready to play. And what are we playing for? Alan announces it's a Cuisinart Egg Cooker. OK, it's time for Ed to try the Taco Bell Chalupa. Ed takes a big bite out of the South-of-the-Border treat and finds it quite tasty and enjoyable. No problems. It seems the E.Coli scare has passed. It is now safe again to eat at Taco Bell. But then something terrible happens. Blood starts to spurt from Ed's neck. Ed clutches his neck and screams, "It's burning! It's burning! My neck is burning. He then stretched a bit as an actor when he expanded his lines to "It burns! It burns! It burns! Ed slumps to the ground clutching his bleeding neck. Blood continues.
Taco Bell? No, Taco Bell-y Ache.
TOP TEN: Signs You Are Not One of the Most Fascinating People of 2006. Before Dave can get into the list, he is interrupted by someone in the audience. It's Johnny Dark with a whole bunch of questions.
1. Johnny interrupts from audience.
Dave: SIR, DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION?
2. "You're going to read the top ten list?
Dave: YES
3. "Why ten?
Dave: SEEMED LIKE A GOOD ROUND NUMBER
4. "Who came up with the topic?
Dave: THE WRITERS CAME UP WITH THE TOPIC
5. "When?
Dave: I'M NOT SURE WHY THAT MATTERS, BUT EARLIER IN THE DAY
6. "Like 2-ish?
Dave: I REALLY DON'T KNOW
7. "How do you decide which topic to use?
Dave: WE CHOOSE SOMETHING THAT'S IN THE NEWS
8. "Like Apocalypto'?
Dave: EXACTLY
9. "Is this one about Apocalypto'?
Dave: NO
10. "Did you see Apocalypto'?
Dave: NO
11. "Wanna see if after the show?
Dave: I CAN'T. I'M BUSY
12. "How do we know when the list is over?
Dave: AFTER I READ NUMBER ONE, IT'S OVER
13. "Why not start with 1 and read to 10?
Dave: WE LIKE TO END ON NUMBER ONE
14. "So one comes last?
Dave: YES
15. "But one comes before ten
Dave: I KNOW BUT WE GO FROM TEN TO ONE
16. "That's confusing
Dave: I'M SORRY YOU FIND IT CONFUSING. DO YOU HAVE ANY
OTHER QUESTIONS?
17. "Can I sit on your lap?
Dave: ABSOLUTELY NOT
18. "Are any of these going to make me laugh? I like to laugh.
Dave: PROBABLY NOT
19. Johnny exits
TOP TEN: Signs You Are Not One of the Most Fascinating People of 2006.
HOWARD STERN: Mr. Entertainment, the King of All Media. Howard enters wearing a Santa Claus costume bringing gifts of Sirius radios to Paul, Dave, and the entire studio audience. Hey, that's almost 500 free radios! What's that going to do to my Sirius stock? As the audience erupts with joy, Howard says he feels like the white Oprah. Howard has been on Sirius radio for less than a year and subscribers have jumped from 600,000 to 6 million. Howard says being on satellite radio has opened up the show to so much. Everything is looser; everyone is freer to express themselves. On the very first show on satellite, Howard's audience learned that co-host Robin Quivers uses meat and vegetables to pleasure herself.
Artie Lang? He used heroin for a while. Jenna Jameson? She went to 3rd base with Jenny McCarthy.
Yeesh. I hope the LATE SHOW never goes to satellite. Some things are better left unknown.
Howard isn't one to go out and attend parties. He likes to stay home. Too many people out there don't like him and he's said too many things that cause people to not like him. But Bryant Gumbel invited Howard to his Christmas party. Howard decided to go. At the party: Gayle King, Oprah's best friend. Howard knows he's said some dreadful things about Gayle and Oprah and doesn't want to face her. But Gayle corners Howard later and it turns out that Gayle is the nicest person. She was extremely nice to Howard. And then Howard started thinking, "What if I was to steal Oprah's best friend? Howard had fun picturing the scenario. Al Roker was at the party. Howard says, "I know he hates my guts but I can't remember why he hates my guts. Their meeting was cold and both decided to avoid each other.
Spike Lee was there. Spike doesn't like Howard. Howard has called Spike's movies "NYU student caliber. Kelly Ripa was there. They got along fine. Howard says anyone who isn't Kathie Lee Gifford is fine with him.
Dave shows the Howard Stern personal Christmas card he received. It's Howard and his lovely girlfriend on the front. Howard also sent one to Regis, and Regis showed it on his show this morning. And he sent one to his mom and dad. Howard's mom called this morning and said, "I got your Christmas card . . . . . Beauty and the Beast.' Howard says, "I don't feel good about this face, but even my mother doesn't like it. This saddened Howard.
Not only does Howard have his big Howard Stern show on Sirius satellite, but he also has cable TV channel, Howard TV. And just what can you see on Howard TV? It's the stuff you hear on the radio show, and more.
We see a clip from Howard TV, now going for 12-13 bucks a month. It's a character named Jeff he Drunk. He shows up to the studio drunk. And has a bit of a hard time keeping his feet. Sure, it was a sad thing to see. . . . but funny! And it could be all yours for 12 bucks a month.
What else can you see on Howard TV and hear on the satellite Howard Stern radio program? There's another character named Shavonne. He had work done to become a she. And now she wants to have sex with her new stuff. All she needs is a willing partner. In a city as big as New York, you wouldn't think that would be hard to find. But the new she-Shavonne does not make a pretty woman. So Howard comes to the rescue. He puts the word out and he gets 5 guys to come to the studio willing to try out the goods. The first four can't get it done. Shavonne's new tools can't excite the guys . . . . even guys who are fans of Howard's. But thankfully guy #5 is turned on enough to do the trick and has sex with Shavonne. Shavonne's dream has come true, and she has Howard to thank. And that's what you get on Howard TV and the Howard Stern Show on Sirius Satellite Radio.
Howard admits, "I am so proud what I am doing for this country.
ACT 5: "Do you want to make a million dollars, be your own boss, set your own hours, and work from home? Well, good luck, fatty, it's not happening.
This has been your daily dose of truth with me, Alan Kalter. We'll be right back.
GWEN STEFANI: From her new solo CD, "The Sweet Escape, Gwen Stafani performed "Wind It Up. It's the song where she yodels at the beginning to that Sound of Music song. It's catchy . . . very catchy.
And that was our show for Tuesday December 12, 2006.
No. I didn't get a free Sirius radio.
And now it's time for a new segment I like to call, "My Idea That Didn't Get On.
Following Johnny Dark's long long interrupt, I suggested that Dave should say there is no time now to read the Top Ten. I suggested it. It did not get on.
At the end of "Would You Like To Try A Taco Bell Chalupa? while Ed was lying on the ground with blood spurting from his neck, I suggested that the models enter with the Hello Deli platter but not crouch down, and the camera should not widen. Instead, Dave would call them in and all we would see would be the models from the waist down and Ed lying between them.
This concludes "My Idea That Didn't Get On.
I hate it when people try to bring religion into Christmas.
Hillary Clinton says she will make her announcement next year whether she will run for the Presidency in 2008. And what day will she announce her candidacy? It's a Wahoo contest. Let me know. I picked October 11, 2007, but I think that may be too far away.
And Al Gore hasn't yet decided whether he'll run in 2008 or not. I can't help but think that if he won his own state in 2000, Tennessee, he probably would still be President today and maybe we wouldn't be in this mess we are in now.
I don't like it when you have to listen to a Christmas song for 30 seconds before you recognize it as a Christmas song. I mean, when I hear "Silent Night, I want to be able to tell immediately that it is "Silent Night. A lot of these new Christmas CDs I have sound like the singer is in pain. Come to think of it, I really only like the old standards; Bing Crosby; Nat King Cole; Andrew Sisters; Gene Autry; a few Elvises; and the King Family. The only "new one I like is "Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses.
Happy Birthday, Edvard Munch. I saw it on the Google logo.
Whoever is in charge of publicity for Dreamgirls, congratulations.
The Wahoo Gazette, 10 years ago today:
THURSDAY DECEMBER 12, 1996
More Christmas gift ideas . . . . slippers for mom . . . a tie for dad.
Speaking of ties . . . Can you predict when Dave will next wear the green tie with white polka dots? That particular one is my favorite. Do you have a favorite?
CBS Mailbag letters that did not get on this week:
Yours
Mine
Santa Claus only works one day a year. So does the extra point kicker for the New York Jets.
I hope I don't get cologne this year for Christmas. I still have H'ai Karate from '76.
Fun things to do over the holidays . . .
Mention Howard Cosell's name . . . . see how long before someone tries to impersonate him.
Mention Mr. Ed . . . . then mention Wilbur . . . see how long before someone tries to imitate Mr. Ed saying "Wilbur.
3. Say "You can say that again . . . . see how long before someone repeats what they just said. Then call him an ass.
(Original Air Date: 12/12/06)
Howard Stern; and Gwen Stefani.
PLUS: A Late Show Holiday Message; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Would You Like To Try A Taco Bell Chalupa?; and a Top Ten List, Interrupted by a Rude Audience Member.
We head over to say hello to Rupert. Dave asks Rupert what he knows about the E.Coli thing over at Taco Bell. Dave: "Where were you when you first heard about the E.Coli outbreak at Taco Bell? Rupert: "Uhhh, I think I was watching a football game.
Tonight we are going to play, "Would You Like To Try A Taco Bell Chalupa?
Paul plays his theme to "Would You Like To Try a Taco Bell Chalupa? It was long and drawn out, a bit different from his usual theme music. I laughed each time he and the band performed it. While Rupert runs outside to find a contestant, we continue with our show.
With Christmas around the corner, Dave directs our attention to this HOLIDAY MESSAGE FROM THE LATE SHOW.
We hear soft music. We see lovely holiday graphics. We see pretty Christmassy scenes. And that's all we have so far.
Coming out of that clip, Dave is receiving a message . . . . we have LIVE footage of Nicole Richie . . . . driving home from the Los Angeles Police Stationhouse. We go LIVE to the CNN satellite. We see a white SUV speeding down an L.A. street. Nicole loses control of the car and slides across the intersection, slamming into a fence alongside a house. Dave receives further word that she is OK.
And now it's time for GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES. We see FDR. We see JFK. We see Bush: "The challenge facing the United States is we have to be right one time . . . . I mean 100% of the time . . .
We go back to Rupert's. He is with a guy named Ed from Rockaway in Queens. Ed is home from college, SUNY Oneonta, where he majors in communication. He wants to get into sports journalism. Tonight, we're playing "Would You Like To Try a Taco Bell Chalupa?
Dave says the slogan for Taco Bell was "Think Outside the Bun. Now it's "Look Outside for the Ambulance.
And speaking of ambulance, we got one outside just in case something goes wrong during "Would You Like To Try a Taco Bell Chalupa?
Come to think of it, I was expecting Paul to play something like "My Chalupa by the Knack.
We are ready to play. And what are we playing for? Alan announces it's a Cuisinart Egg Cooker. OK, it's time for Ed to try the Taco Bell Chalupa. Ed takes a big bite out of the South-of-the-Border treat and finds it quite tasty and enjoyable. No problems. It seems the E.Coli scare has passed. It is now safe again to eat at Taco Bell. But then something terrible happens. Blood starts to spurt from Ed's neck. Ed clutches his neck and screams, "It's burning! It's burning! My neck is burning. He then stretched a bit as an actor when he expanded his lines to "It burns! It burns! It burns! Ed slumps to the ground clutching his bleeding neck. Blood continues.
Taco Bell? No, Taco Bell-y Ache.
TOP TEN: Signs You Are Not One of the Most Fascinating People of 2006. Before Dave can get into the list, he is interrupted by someone in the audience. It's Johnny Dark with a whole bunch of questions.
1. Johnny interrupts from audience.
Dave: SIR, DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION?
2. "You're going to read the top ten list?
Dave: YES
3. "Why ten?
Dave: SEEMED LIKE A GOOD ROUND NUMBER
4. "Who came up with the topic?
Dave: THE WRITERS CAME UP WITH THE TOPIC
5. "When?
Dave: I'M NOT SURE WHY THAT MATTERS, BUT EARLIER IN THE DAY
6. "Like 2-ish?
Dave: I REALLY DON'T KNOW
7. "How do you decide which topic to use?
Dave: WE CHOOSE SOMETHING THAT'S IN THE NEWS
8. "Like Apocalypto'?
Dave: EXACTLY
9. "Is this one about Apocalypto'?
Dave: NO
10. "Did you see Apocalypto'?
Dave: NO
11. "Wanna see if after the show?
Dave: I CAN'T. I'M BUSY
12. "How do we know when the list is over?
Dave: AFTER I READ NUMBER ONE, IT'S OVER
13. "Why not start with 1 and read to 10?
Dave: WE LIKE TO END ON NUMBER ONE
14. "So one comes last?
Dave: YES
15. "But one comes before ten
Dave: I KNOW BUT WE GO FROM TEN TO ONE
16. "That's confusing
Dave: I'M SORRY YOU FIND IT CONFUSING. DO YOU HAVE ANY
OTHER QUESTIONS?
17. "Can I sit on your lap?
Dave: ABSOLUTELY NOT
18. "Are any of these going to make me laugh? I like to laugh.
Dave: PROBABLY NOT
19. Johnny exits
TOP TEN: Signs You Are Not One of the Most Fascinating People of 2006.
HOWARD STERN: Mr. Entertainment, the King of All Media. Howard enters wearing a Santa Claus costume bringing gifts of Sirius radios to Paul, Dave, and the entire studio audience. Hey, that's almost 500 free radios! What's that going to do to my Sirius stock? As the audience erupts with joy, Howard says he feels like the white Oprah. Howard has been on Sirius radio for less than a year and subscribers have jumped from 600,000 to 6 million. Howard says being on satellite radio has opened up the show to so much. Everything is looser; everyone is freer to express themselves. On the very first show on satellite, Howard's audience learned that co-host Robin Quivers uses meat and vegetables to pleasure herself.
Artie Lang? He used heroin for a while. Jenna Jameson? She went to 3rd base with Jenny McCarthy.
Yeesh. I hope the LATE SHOW never goes to satellite. Some things are better left unknown.
Howard isn't one to go out and attend parties. He likes to stay home. Too many people out there don't like him and he's said too many things that cause people to not like him. But Bryant Gumbel invited Howard to his Christmas party. Howard decided to go. At the party: Gayle King, Oprah's best friend. Howard knows he's said some dreadful things about Gayle and Oprah and doesn't want to face her. But Gayle corners Howard later and it turns out that Gayle is the nicest person. She was extremely nice to Howard. And then Howard started thinking, "What if I was to steal Oprah's best friend? Howard had fun picturing the scenario. Al Roker was at the party. Howard says, "I know he hates my guts but I can't remember why he hates my guts. Their meeting was cold and both decided to avoid each other.
Spike Lee was there. Spike doesn't like Howard. Howard has called Spike's movies "NYU student caliber. Kelly Ripa was there. They got along fine. Howard says anyone who isn't Kathie Lee Gifford is fine with him.
Dave shows the Howard Stern personal Christmas card he received. It's Howard and his lovely girlfriend on the front. Howard also sent one to Regis, and Regis showed it on his show this morning. And he sent one to his mom and dad. Howard's mom called this morning and said, "I got your Christmas card . . . . . Beauty and the Beast.' Howard says, "I don't feel good about this face, but even my mother doesn't like it. This saddened Howard.
Not only does Howard have his big Howard Stern show on Sirius satellite, but he also has cable TV channel, Howard TV. And just what can you see on Howard TV? It's the stuff you hear on the radio show, and more.
We see a clip from Howard TV, now going for 12-13 bucks a month. It's a character named Jeff he Drunk. He shows up to the studio drunk. And has a bit of a hard time keeping his feet. Sure, it was a sad thing to see. . . . but funny! And it could be all yours for 12 bucks a month.
What else can you see on Howard TV and hear on the satellite Howard Stern radio program? There's another character named Shavonne. He had work done to become a she. And now she wants to have sex with her new stuff. All she needs is a willing partner. In a city as big as New York, you wouldn't think that would be hard to find. But the new she-Shavonne does not make a pretty woman. So Howard comes to the rescue. He puts the word out and he gets 5 guys to come to the studio willing to try out the goods. The first four can't get it done. Shavonne's new tools can't excite the guys . . . . even guys who are fans of Howard's. But thankfully guy #5 is turned on enough to do the trick and has sex with Shavonne. Shavonne's dream has come true, and she has Howard to thank. And that's what you get on Howard TV and the Howard Stern Show on Sirius Satellite Radio.
Howard admits, "I am so proud what I am doing for this country.
ACT 5: "Do you want to make a million dollars, be your own boss, set your own hours, and work from home? Well, good luck, fatty, it's not happening.
This has been your daily dose of truth with me, Alan Kalter. We'll be right back.
GWEN STEFANI: From her new solo CD, "The Sweet Escape, Gwen Stafani performed "Wind It Up. It's the song where she yodels at the beginning to that Sound of Music song. It's catchy . . . very catchy.
And that was our show for Tuesday December 12, 2006.
No. I didn't get a free Sirius radio.
And now it's time for a new segment I like to call, "My Idea That Didn't Get On.
Following Johnny Dark's long long interrupt, I suggested that Dave should say there is no time now to read the Top Ten. I suggested it. It did not get on.
At the end of "Would You Like To Try A Taco Bell Chalupa? while Ed was lying on the ground with blood spurting from his neck, I suggested that the models enter with the Hello Deli platter but not crouch down, and the camera should not widen. Instead, Dave would call them in and all we would see would be the models from the waist down and Ed lying between them.
This concludes "My Idea That Didn't Get On.
I hate it when people try to bring religion into Christmas.
Hillary Clinton says she will make her announcement next year whether she will run for the Presidency in 2008. And what day will she announce her candidacy? It's a Wahoo contest. Let me know. I picked October 11, 2007, but I think that may be too far away.
And Al Gore hasn't yet decided whether he'll run in 2008 or not. I can't help but think that if he won his own state in 2000, Tennessee, he probably would still be President today and maybe we wouldn't be in this mess we are in now.
I don't like it when you have to listen to a Christmas song for 30 seconds before you recognize it as a Christmas song. I mean, when I hear "Silent Night, I want to be able to tell immediately that it is "Silent Night. A lot of these new Christmas CDs I have sound like the singer is in pain. Come to think of it, I really only like the old standards; Bing Crosby; Nat King Cole; Andrew Sisters; Gene Autry; a few Elvises; and the King Family. The only "new one I like is "Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses.
Happy Birthday, Edvard Munch. I saw it on the Google logo.
Whoever is in charge of publicity for Dreamgirls, congratulations.
The Wahoo Gazette, 10 years ago today:
THURSDAY DECEMBER 12, 1996
More Christmas gift ideas . . . . slippers for mom . . . a tie for dad.
Speaking of ties . . . Can you predict when Dave will next wear the green tie with white polka dots? That particular one is my favorite. Do you have a favorite?
CBS Mailbag letters that did not get on this week:
Yours
Mine
Santa Claus only works one day a year. So does the extra point kicker for the New York Jets.
I hope I don't get cologne this year for Christmas. I still have H'ai Karate from '76.
Fun things to do over the holidays . . .
Mention Howard Cosell's name . . . . see how long before someone tries to impersonate him.
Mention Mr. Ed . . . . then mention Wilbur . . . see how long before someone tries to imitate Mr. Ed saying "Wilbur.
3. Say "You can say that again . . . . see how long before someone repeats what they just said. Then call him an ass.
