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Friday, January 18, 2008
Show #2854
By Michael Z. McIntee Change Text Color:
Black | White


Diane Keaton; and Jim Gaffigan.
PLUS: The New 150-inch TV; Sir Edmund Hillary; a Message From the AMPTP; Late Show Fun Facts; and a Top Ten List.

“ . . . and now, classical music’s hottest young conductor . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
There’s still hope. Once again, Dave talked to NFL Football Commissioner Roger Goodall and there is a chance the Indianapolis Colts may play in the Super Bowl. It has something to do with something called a “Promoter’s Option.” Promoter’s Option --- I really liked that but not sure why. I think it has to do with certain golf tournaments where the promoter of the event can specially invite certain golfers to participate in the tournament even though they didn’t qualify. And besides, it wasn’t fair that the Colts from Indianapolis had to play the San Diego Chargers. San Diego comes from the huge state of California and is a navy town. They have all these big guys to choose to play on their team. Indianapolis consists of nothing but small town farmers. It’s hard to find 11 men to make up a team, let alone a playoff-winning team. Dave is still holding out hope that his Colts will receive a Promoters Option.

Panasonic has unveiled a new 150-inch television. It’s the largest set ever on the market, but Panasonic isn’t resting on its laurels. We take a look at this announcement.
Announcer: “The future of television is here. Introducing Panasonic’ new 150-inch Life Panel television, offering the ultimate TV viewing experience. And if you like giant products, you should also check out Panasonic’s eight-foot remote control (see guy standing next to a towering remote control) . . . our 11-foot DVD player (guy next to a huge DVD player) . . . and our 17-foot radio (guy next to huge radio; radio falls on guy, flattening him). Panasonic: Ideas for Life.”

Sir Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, died last Friday. He was a hero to people all over the world, and appropriately, the tributes have been pouring in. We watch a stream of tributes in honor of Sir Edmund Hillary:
“He was a heroic figure who lived a life full of determination, humility, and generosity.”
– New Zealand Prime Minister Helen Clark
“Nepal shall always cherish his devotion to the Everest region.”
- Nepal Prime Minister Girija Prasad Koirala
“If you want to see a real accomplishment, try mounting something frigid and deadly named Hillary.”
- Bill Clinton
Sound Effect of an ah-oo-gah horn
V.O.: “This has been the ‘Late Show Obvious Joke Of The Night.’ Thanks for watching.”

Huh? Not again! Dave’s phony phone is ringing. Dave picks it up to hear Lt. Len Easton of the California Highway Police reporting a crime. He is in pursuit. And then static.

The writers strike is in its eleventh week. To help repair their image, the big media companies released this statement earlier today.
Announcer: “The Writers Guild of America continues to portray the studios as unwilling to return to the bargaining table and negotiate in good faith. This assertion is false. The AMPTP is pleased to announce that it is ready to begin negotiations with the WGA right now.”
Quick graphic and read: “3-2-1-0.” Followed by a BUZZ.
“The negotiation window is now closed. Better luck next time, losers.
The AMPTP: Cowards, cutthroats, and weasels since 1982.”


GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
- Bush: “Just had lunch at Sam’s. Had a little too much chicken.”
From the January 9th Wahoo Gazette:
Bush is like a comedian who is on the college circuit. On his drive in to the college, he makes a note of the local favorite diner or restaurant or bar. In his speech later that day, he’ll refer to that place and get a big reaction from the crowd. The crowd loves it. ‘Hey, he’s one of us.’ And it works. As silly as it may be, it works.”

In tonight’s installment of Great Moments, Bush referenced eating lunch at Sam’s. Naturally, it got a big reaction. I’m going to watch for more of these. I would imagine all the politicians do the same.

ACT 2:
Another call from Lt. Len Easton. I think I’d rather calls from the squad on Reno 911.

LATE SHOW FUN FACTS – remember when I used to list all the Fun Facts?

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: Signs You’re Watching a Bad Monster Movie --- “Cloverfield” opened today.
#10. Monster comes to New York City, takes in a matinee of ‘Jersey Boys,’ and leaves.
#4. The beast with a disfigured face? Joan Rivers.
The audience reacted to #4 with an excited “ooooh” followed by a disappointing “ahhhh.” Dave likened it to the sound you hear at a baseball game when a home run goes foul at the last second.

Oh, no, not another phone call from Lt. Len Easton. Dave picks up the phone and we hear another crime going down. Dave hangs up, still confused as to why radio transmissions from the California Highway Police continue to be heard on our fake phony fraud of a phone.
Dave makes a plea to our Executive Producer, “Please tell him to stop calling . . . he’s ruining the show!” Oddly, Dave seems delighted.

DIANE KEATON: From Mad Money – opened today. This is Diane’s first visit back to the show since 1987. Dave fears he did something wrong 20 years ago and she’s refused to come back ever since.
Dave asks, “Is this your first time at the Ed Sullivan Theater?”
DIANE: “I don’t know. Did we do it 20 years ago?”
DAVE: “Not here!” Dave adds, “And if we did do it, you’d remember.”

So what’s been the problem? As Diane remembers it, she was on Late Night to promote a movie she directed and/or written and/or appeared in, entitled, Heaven. She came on the show after it had already appeared in theaters. One critic, Gary Franklin, gave it “minus zero stars.” She says she may have cried during the segment. Dave suspects he may have said something ugly. Whatever happened, it’s all behind them now.

Dave refers to Diane Keaton’s Annie Hall character as an “iconic figure” in film history. This delights Diane. Dave adds, “I watched it today!” delighting Diane still more.
Is Diane dating? “Noooooo,” answers Diane, thinking it a ridiculous question to ask. But why is it a ridiculous question? Diane is a lovely woman! Diane says, “Men don’t want to kiss me.” Dave speaks the contrary. “Do you want to kiss me?” asks Diane. Dave exclaims, “Oh, yeah!” Without allowing her time to change her mind, Dave leans over and plants a kiss on Ms. Keaton. Weehooo. Dave can cross out another item on his Bucket List.
Diane was born in California and moved to NYC to study acting. She soon found herself in the Broadway show, “Hair.” She never quite understood how she got in to the show and never quite fit in as an “actress in the tribe.” Before the show opened, the producer Dr. Bishop provided the cast with “vitamin shots,” which she suspects was actually amphetamines. Ah, yes, the 60’s . . . I can’t remember it well.
Diane Keaton’s new film, Mad Money opened today. She stars along with Katie Holmes and Queen Latifah. She admits their worlds are so much different from hers. They are surrounded by people and fans and always seem so busy. Dave comforts her; “You shouldn’t hide your light under a bushel.” After a beat of silence, Dave laughs and admits “That’s all I could think of to say!” They laugh. Here’s a Diane Keaton Fun Fact: Famous for her role as Annie Hall, Diane’s real name is Diane Hall.

ACT 5:
It’s a shot of Alan Kalter in a Santa hat: “From the Late Show family to your family, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year. Ho Ho Ho, America!”

ACT 7:
JIM GAFFIGAN – Have you ever stopped and thought about bacon? Obviously, Jim Gaffigan has. I like Gaffigan. He’ll be appearing at the State Theater in Easton, Pennsylvania on February 23rd. His website is:
www.jimgaffigan.com
I used to follow his hit count, but I no longer see it on his website. Instead, I eyed his site’s traffic ranking: 124,328. Let’s see if we can spike that up a bit.

And that was our show for Friday January 18, 2008.




A lot of times when I type out “Late Show” I mistakenly type “Last Show.” And someday, that’ll be right.

In tonight’s top ten, #10 read: “Monster comes to New York City, takes in a matinee of ‘Jersey Boys,’ and leaves.”
Is America aware of the Broadway show, “Jersey Boys,” or is it just in our local metropolitan brain library?
“Jersey Boys” is advertised on the TV here in New York because they are trying to reach the local theater goers; someone who can decide to take in a show one night. But is “Jersey Boys” advertised in Maine? Is it advertised in Chicago? Do Maine-iacs know of “Jersey Boys”? Do Chicagoans know of “Jersey Boys?”

Odd there was nothing in Friday’s paper; no photos, no stories; of Dave, Stallone, Bruce Willis; and The Teutuls riding motorcycles down Broadway Thursday night.

Harold and I are really ticked off. Tuesday night on the show we tried to hail a New York City taxi cab with a dead friend (Eddie) in an office chair. The next day, everyone was talking about Eddie’s performance. Eddie played dead!! How hard is that? It was Harold and me who did all the work. Eddie was just a dead guy. He did nothing! There’s no acting in playing dead, though admittedly, it was a great springboard for Kevin Costner.

From Wednesday’s Wahoo:
The Giants/Packer game starts at 6:30 this Sunday and I blame the Chicago Cubs for that. I’ll explain in Friday’s "Wahoo."
OK, bear with me, or bare with me if you’d like. It was 1984. The baseball Chicago Cubs won the NL East. They were playing the San Diego Padres in the playoffs. Cub fans were filled with joy in hopes of winning a World Series for the first time since the Model T. What was happening on the field was full of hope and happiness for the Chicago Cub fan. But what was happening behind the scenes? Back in 1984, Wrigley Field was still without lights, the only major league stadium without. But Major League Baseball had a contract with the television networks to televise the World Series games at night. How could baseball be played at night at Wrigley Field if Wrigley Field did not have lights? The baseball commissioner at the time, Peter Ueberroth, said recently:
“The Cubs were in postseason play. And we were under contract to have the World Series at night or we'd lose millions and millions of dollars. Plus, we would have violated our contract. If they (the Cubs) had won, I had made the decision privately that we'd move to Comiskey Park. People in Chicago would not have been really happy with that.”
That’s right. If the Cubs had gone on to play in the World Series (they lost to the San Diego Padres in the playoffs), the Cub home games would have been played at Chicago’s Comiskey Park, home of the Chicago White Sox, and not at the friendly confines of Wrigley. The outrage from Cub fans, and baseball fans in general across the country, would have been overwhelming. The Cub joy of winning the National League title would have been turned upside down when the announcement was made that the home games would be played at the hated home of the ChiSox. And why the change of venue? Because of television! And if this occurred, the public’s reaction to the influence held by television over our sporting games would have been riotous. The public would not let this ever happen again. They would have let sport owners know that it would be unacceptable for television to dictate when a game would be played. Moving it even 15 minutes later in the day would have been met with protest. Every move team owners made in regards to television would be scrutinized.

So, the 1984 World Series wasn’t played in Chicago. Commissioner Ueberroth never had to make the announcement that the Cubs would play their World Series home games at Comiskey. He, and baseball, didn’t dodge a bullet, they dodged a bazooka. But baseball and television got away it. They got away without the decision having to be made. The public never knew. So next year, television told baseball that the World Series would start a little later in the night, and no one noticed because it was only a few minutes later than the year before. And then television told football that the Super Bowl would start 15 minutes later than the year before, but who cares? It was only 15 minutes. And on, and on, and on it went. And we are now left with the opening kickoff of the NFC championship in Green Bay, Wisconsin to be 6:30 in the evening. And the opening kickoff of the Super Bowl keeps creeping later and later and later into the night. But it’s only 8 minutes later than last year! But last year was 6 minutes later than the year before, and the year before was 10 minutes later than the year before that. It’s like sitting in a pot of water. Turn it up one degree an hour and you never see it coming when you find yourself soon in a pot of boiling water. If the Cubs had beaten the Padres in ’84, there would have been an eagle eye on television’s influence on sports ever since. A 6:18 PM opening kickoff on a Sunday night for the 2008 Super Bowl wouldn’t be.
And that’s a memo.

WAIT WAIT WAIT!!! Don’t write me! I just checked the starting times of the past Super Bowls. It seems the starting times of the Super Bowls had been kicked up past 6:00 EST before 1984, before the Cubs should have been in the World Series. Dang it. That fact ruins a good theory. I worked hard on that, too. I wonder how I can phony up the facts to fit my theory. Dang it! Perhaps I should have researched this more before I wrote all that stuff above. I guess I could just delete it and write something new. HA! It’s Friday! Do you really think I’m going to go back and start anew?
Let me call psychologist Cyril Burt. Maybe he can corrupt the numbers to support my theory.

Coming next week: My annual plea to play the Super Bowl on a Saturday.

This week’s music on my record player: The Faces.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Fort Worth, Texas, it’s Joel Morris
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
ACT 1
• Show Open
• Dave's Monologue
 Watch now
• Panasonic: Ideas For Life
• Sir Edmund Hillary Tribute
• Calls from Lt. Len Easton
• Message From the Studios
• Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
• Call from Lt. Len Easton
ACT 2
• Call from Lt. Len Easton
• Late Show Fun Facts
ACT 3
• Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Monster Movie
 Read now

• Diane Keaton
 Watch now
ACT 4
• More with Diane Keaton
ACT 5
• Audience Shot
ACT 6
• More with Diane Keaton
ACT 7
• Comedian, Jim Gaffigan
• Show Close

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