" . . . and now, here to present the Grammy for Best Electronic/Dance album . . . . David Letterman."

ACT 1:
As Dave ran down from the dressing room and to the stage, he passed a lovely young woman whom he recognized. She was Paul Shaffer's daughter, Victoria Lilly. Victoria is here with her friend from school and they are big fans of Sean "Diddy" Combs. They like his line of clothing. In fact, the girls picked out Paul's wardrobe tonight. We take a look backstage at the 14-year-old friends, which of course embarrasses them to no end. It was very sweet, though I can hear the car ride home right now: "Daaaaaaadddddyyyyy!"

The new science-fiction thriller, "Jumper," was the number one film at the box office last weekend. It's about a guy who has the amazing ability to teleport from one location to another, sort of like a faxed message. We take a look at the latest promo. Announce: (over footage from the "Jumper" film) "David Rice has the amazing ability to teleport anywhere in the world. Now he finds himself hunted by a deadly enemy who forces him to teleport to a place no man should ever go."
(Cut to a babbling scene from "The View")
"'Jumper': Now playing."

Dave throws the blue card through the window and we hear "The Crusher" by The Novas.

Phone call? There is a phone call on the fake phony phone? Let's hope it's from Raul. Unfortunately it is not. It's that Len Easton guy.

Dave sees a white envelope on the desk. It is not addressed to anyone. He opens it and reads aloud, "And the Academy Award for Best Picture goes to: 'No Country For Old Men.'" Dave looks around, realizing his mistake. "I don't think that was for me." Somehow the envelope was delivered to the Ed Sullivan Theater instead of the Kodak Theater in Los Angeles.

Did you hear about the nude flights a German airline is offering? Surprisingly, it is not too much unlike a regular flight, but there are some regulations one would have to follow. We take a look at the safety video.
Announce:

"Thank you for choosing us for you nude flying needs. Passengers must follow the same rules as they would on any other flight, but please note that the following are also prohibited:
-suggested references to the 'cockpit.
-Remarks about putting anything other than your tray table in the 'upright and locked position.'
-Asking female passengers if you may use their 'flotation devices.'
-Asking flight attendants for help with your 'sack of nuts.'
-And bragging that you got past security with a 'tool longer than seven inches.'
Thank you, and enjoy your flight."

ACT 2:
Not only is Paul's daughter here tonight, but Dave's son Harry is here as well. It must be the winter recess the kids get these days. Let's take a look at the cute and adorable Harry. We catch a sight of the lad backstage dragging on a smoke. When he sees he's on camera, he ditches the butt and runs away.
Smoking. Dave says he gets that from his mother. Paul is concerned and asks, "Don't you talk to Harry about smoking?" Dave says, "That's all I do is talk to him about smoking . . . .. and yet, he still doesn't know how to smoke." I laughed very hard at that. Yes, it was obvious that our Harry had never smoked before in his life. And as hard as it may seem, I think our Harry has never even seen anyone ever smoke before.
The happiest guy on the staff after watching our "Harry" attempting to smoke was our film coordinator, Shecky. We were rehearsing something for the show some years back which called for Shecky to smoke a cigarette. He had no idea how to hold the cigarette. It's been used as a reference around here ever since. And now, "Harry." He may have outdone Shecky.

And now it's time for Late Show Fun Facts. Someday, and that day is coming soon, I'll share with you why I don't list the Fun Facts.
During the Fun Facts, Dave turns to a camera on his left and announces: "Did you know the United States Military spends $12 million a year teaching Gitmo prisoners how to play internet poker? Coming up next, the 'Action News' investigative team shows you why the 'Big House' doesn't always win."
(Turning to camera on right)
"And Bill Mazer tells you everything you need to get ready for Sunday's big Giants game. That's coming up on 'Action News.'"

And during the reading of the Late Show Fun Facts, I realized I was missing something. I was given a photograph a half-hour before the show of an Englishman who goes by the name "Diddy." I was to give it to Pat Farmer who would put it out on the desk for the Sean "Diddy" Combs segment. But I didn't have it. I must have put it down and didn't pick it up. I ran as quick as my AARP body could go, retracing my steps in search of the photo. 7 minutes later I found it by Dave's dressing room. I ran it to Pat Farmer who got it to the desk just as we were coming back from the commercial break to go into the ACT 3.

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: SIGNS YOUR FILM IS NOT GOING TO BE WINNING AN ACADEMY AWARD
9. Plot involves Matthew McConaughey's death-defying quest to find a shirt.

Dave includes this tribute: "My late friend George Miller wanted to remind everyone, 'In Hollywood, Oscar is King.''

SEAN "DIDDY" COMBS: Enters singing, "Hollywood!" On his way over to the theater, which is a block away, Sean had an epiphany. He decided he wants to move to Hollywood and become a movie star. And knowing Mr. Diddy, it's likely he will do just that. What inspired him was his receiving a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And his star isn't out back in the alley; it's right in front by the fountain. It's in a very prestigious place where millions will walk over every year. And Sean is serious about his Hollywood dream as he is busy taking acting lessons. What does one learn in acting lessons?
-how to be in the moment
-how to keep centered in your belief in the character.
And it helps to have a hot bod.
Sean had a very successful week during the recent Fashion Week here in New York. His fashion line is one of his most lucrative enterprises. Dave and Sean compare suits. The buttons on Dave's cuff actually button and unbutton. We're not so sure about Sean's.
Being a star of Sean's stature, there are many rumors spread about him. Dave reads from a list of such rumors and Sean either confirms or denies each. One thing we learn is true is that Sean loves apple pie.
Sean Combs will be appearing in the ABC telepic adaptation of the play, "A Raisin In The Sun" this Monday night at 8:00 PM. It may be his first step towards Hollywood stardom.

ACT 5: Announce: "Monday on the Late Show, join Dave as he welcomes funnyman Will Ferrell, and singer Michael McDonald. You can miss the Academy Awards, but do not miss this show!
We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
Harry is back? Dave learns the bashful Harry is back from fleeing the theater. Can we say hello to Harry? We cut to a shot backstage. Harry is now drinking a beer. He is chatting it up with Paul's daughter and her friend. Harry sees the camera and runs away.
Dave apologizes to Paul for Harry's behavior. Paul was delighted and saw a possible big payday in Victoria's future.

ACT 7:
AL LUBEL: He'll be performing on February 28th at the new comedy club in Hoboken, New Jersey, called "Danny's Upstairs."
- ever hear the phrase, "'You can run but you can't hide'? Well, apparently Osama can."
- a girlfriend is like a customer, and it's the guy's job to make sure she is happy and satisfied.

And that was our show for Friday, February 22, 2008.



The Friday snow really threw the area into a spin. The weather reports cried "wolf" too many times for anyone to take them serious this time. Nobody believes them anymore. And then we get one of these snowstorms. I'm glad I went out Thursday night to pick up some powdered milk.

And I got up real early Friday morning to get in before the roads got any worse. I was at my desk at 7:00 AM. That's a good 3 hours earlier than usual for a Friday. I figured the snow would stop during the day and then I would leave as soon as it got better in the early afternoon. I'm sitting here now at 11:30 AM and there is no sign of it stopping. The reports are calling for it to snow all day, followed by sleet in the early evening. I probably should have stayed home and called in with the sniffles.

My girls got Guitar Hero the other day. It's a TV Video Game where instead of the controls being a joystick, you use a guitar instead. A rock and roll song comes on the TV and you have to finger the chords as a rock and roll song is played. You get points if you can keep up with the changing chords. What I like most about Guitar Hero is that it's exposing my girls to Rock and Roll music. Rihanna is fine, I guess, but I want them to appreciate Springsteen and the Stones too. Guitar Hero has a Rolling Stones song on it but I don't think any Springsteen. Most of the songs are of the hard rock variety of the 70s and 80s. I can do without Foghat, but at least it's a start.

I was flipping through the TV channels the other day looking from some "Family Guy" and came across "Godfather III." I loved the original and the sequel, but I don't think I ever say Godfather 3. I heard it was awful, but I wasn't prepared at how awful it was. What did they do to Michael Corleone? He was the quiet, strong leader. Not in Godfather 3! He talked too much. He had too much to say. He showed too much emotion. Boy oh boy, it was bad. I can't wait to watch it again.

I don't know what made me think of this the other day on my ride in to work but I have a complaint about the annual Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. It's the term "Sportsman." I equate that with good sportsmanship, someone who plays for the love of the game without an eye on monetary reward, a sportsman who does not care for the publicity. It seems it may have started that way back in 1954. In the first decade of S.I.'s Sportsman of the Year, 3 were from track and field and 2 were from college sports. The others were 2 from baseball, one from golf, one from boxing, and one went to Pete Rozelle as commissioner of NFL football. The last 10 years, 2007 back to 1998, consists of 7 from baseball (multiple winners from 1998 and 2001), 2 from football, 3 from basketball (multiple winners in 2003), Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods, and the Womens Soccer Team. And the names are all headline names. No one from behind the scenes. I first vehemently disagreed with their 1998 Sportsman of the Year of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. I admit they were a feel good story at the time; both in mad pursuit of Roger Maris' season home run record of 61 hit in 1961. They were front page news everyday from August on. Mark McGwire eventually broke the hallowed record and ended up with 70 home runs. Sammy Sosa hit 66. But do you know who should have been the Sportsman of the Year in 1998? Tim Forneris. Tim Forneris was the part-time groundskeeper as Busch Stadium in St. Louis and he was the 22-year-old kid who retrieved Mark McGwire's record-breaking 62nd home run. The ball on the sports collectibles market could have gotten him $1 million, but instead he gave it to Mark McGwire. Mark said thanks and gave Tim some shirts and bats and stuff. The St. Louis Cardinals said thanks and gave him a minivan (at least I think it came from the Cardinals). Tim Forneris gave it to McGwire because it was the right thing to do. Tim believed the baseball was a part of history and it should be given to he who earned it. That, to me, is a true sportsman whether you think he was an idiot or not.
This is what happened: a kid making less than $20,000 a year has a baseball worth $1 million dollars.
He gives it to a major league baseball player who makes millions of dollars a year. Mark McGwire benefits from his generosity.
The St. Louis Cardinals, a team worth nearly a billion dollars, benefits from his generosity.
Major League Baseball, a business worth billions of dollars, benefits from this. Tim got a new car and some shirts and hats.
This is what should have happened.
Major League Baseball should have paid Tim Forneris $1.4 million dollars for the ball. Each team in the major leagues would give $50,000. The ball would be put on display at each stadium during the 1999 and 2000 season. Everyone would benefit. McGwire would still be a multi-millionaire. The St. Louis Cardinals would still be worth a near billion. Major League Baseball would still be a multi-billion dollar industry. And each team would benefit and easily make their $50,000 back from increased attendance. (It doesn't take too many extra fans to net $50,000) That's what I would have done if I ruled the world.

And the Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year in 2006 should have been Jason McElwain, the autistic high schooler who got in his team's final basketball game of the year as a good will gesture and proceeded to hit six 3-pointers in the final minutes. Dwayne Wade won it instead. Ho hum.

The Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year means nothing to me anymore. It's an empty award and should be renamed.

Facts about George Washington
-George Washington started school when he was six years old. He left school at 15 to become a surveyor because his mother couldn't afford to send him to college.
-At 26, he married Martha Curtis, a widow who already had two children, Jackie and Patsy. Washington never had any children of his own.
-At six feet, two inches tall, and 200 pounds, he was one of our biggest presidents.
-Some of his favorite dishes were cream of peanut soup, mashed sweet potatoes with coconut, and string beans with mushrooms.
-He bred hound dogs that he treated like members of the family. He gave some of them unusual names: Tarter, True Love, and Sweet Lips.
-George Washington had to borrow money to go to his own inauguration.
-Washington was the first President to appear on a postage stamp.
-At his inauguration, Washington had only one tooth. At various times he wore dentures made of human or animal teeth, ivory or lead -- never wood.
-Washington refused to wear a powdered wig, which was high fashion in the late 1700s. Instead, he powdered his red-brown hair and ties it in a short braid down his back.
-Washington carried a portable sundial.
-The six white horses in Washington's stables had their teeth brushed every morning on Washington's orders.
-Washington loved to help fight fires.
-Washington's favorite sports were fishing and fox hunting.
-Washington's face was scarred from smallpox.
-George Washington had two ice cream freezers installed at his home in Mount Vernon.
-Washington once issued an order that forbade swearing throughout the U.S. Army.
-Washington wore size thirteen boots.
-Washington used to take a boat from Mount Vernon to Washington D.C. to get to work.
-Washington's IQ was estimated to be about 125.
-He was a very loud snorer.

You know, if Hillary Clinton ran for United States Senator from her home state of Illinois instead of elbowing her way into New York, she wouldn't be being bothered by the pesky Barack Obama right now. No one would know who he was.

If I'm not here on Monday it's because I won the quarter-billion dollar Mega-Ball lottery this weekend. I hope this is goodbye.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his 21st birthday; from Stormville, New York, it's Tim Cocciardi.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER