" . . . . and now, winner of this season's 'Survivor' . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
In out audience tonight is a nice young couple celebrating their 1st anniversary. And they spent it at the Late Show? Well, this is the place dreams come true. Dave extends to them a dinner for two at "21".

There are more signs that the economy is tanking. Did you see the most recent issue of Playboy? Dave has, and he shows off the centerfold. Dave opens it for all to see. Unfortunately, it's nothing but a blank foldout with the words in bold: "Photo Not Available." Dang it. And I always thought porn was recession-proof.

The President's daughter, Jenna, was married over the weekend in Crawford, Texas. The First Family sent out this videotaped message to all of the affair's attendees.
Announce:

"President and Mrs. Bush would like to extend our most heartfelt thanks to everyone who made our little girl's wedding so special. We would also like to take this time to apologize to the five bridesmaids who were hospitalized after getting in the way of Condi trying to catch the bouquet (shot of an unsmiling Condoleezza Rice with the bouquet).
A message from the Bush family."

Russia has a new president. Dmitry Medvedev was sworn in last week and he is the subject of tonight's Medvedev Mispronunciation Roundup.
We see a clip of a number of news anchors attempting unsuccessfully to pronounce "Medvedev." We conclude with Hillary: "Mev . . uh, Medve . . . . . . Mevadeva...whatever."

Dave billboards the night's guests, but something catches his attention; something in the balcony. The camera swings around to find a man hanging from the balcony. Luckily, Pat Farmer and Biff Henderson had a ladder nearby to help the man down. Of all the days to have a ladder on stage, Pat certainly picked the right day to have it. Kudos, Pat Farmer, our property master.

ACT 2:
SMALL TOWN NEWS
- The Burlington Free Press (Burlington, Vermont): "Absolutely free. Two roosters. 6 months old; pets or soup. Call Randy."
- Southeast Alaska's Island News (Thorne Bay, Alaska): "I've heard from many people that they have heard that me and my family are leaving Craig. This is not true and basically cockity mush."
Starting today, I will be incorporating "cockity mush" into my daily conversation.

- The Piscataquis Observer (Dover-Foxcroft, Maine): "Piscataquis County Emergency Services dispatch log. 7:23 PM. An owl was acting strangely."
- The Arlington Times (Arlington, Washington): "Poll results. 'Are you interested in the changes that the City of Arlington proposes to its comprehensive plan?' It's a real hot-button issue. 40% -- 2 votes, yes. 60% -- 3 votes, no.
- The Mariposa Gazette (Mariposa, California): "Safe at home will also have a surprise visit by one of the kids' favorite cartoon characters. Here are a few clues. He is yellow and absorbent and wears square pants."

-Intercourse News (Intercourse, Pennsylvania): "Intercourse News – Lancaster County is about families doing things together."
-The Cuba Free Press (Cuba, Missouri): Here's a story written by second grader Austin: "I saw my dad when he had no shirt on. He's a nice guy when you get to know him."
-The Saint Anthony Bulletin (Saint Anthony, Minnesota): "A thief entered an unlocked porch the evening of June 9th and left with an ottoman and a houseplant."
-The Perry County Republic-Monitor (Perryville, Missouri): "Lost: Top set of dentures, lost on October 12th on South, Ganahl, Shelby, or South Main. $200 Reward."
-The Lassen County Times (Susanville, California): "Police beat. Officers responded to a person stating a man stepped out of his apartment fully nude and 'shook his body at them.'"

ACT 3:
STUPID PET TRICKS
1. Katie Tucker and her Irish Wolfhound, Pyro, from Union City, California. Pyro is a big dog, weighing 145 pounds and the head the size of a cement block. Hmm, I guess that's why they call it an 'Irish' Wolfhound. Hey, I speak from experience. All my adjustable hats are on the last hook.
Pyro's trick: The large canine can crawl through a child's small toy tunnel. The tunnel is expanded out onto the stage floor, and Pyro crawls through. Big deal. I could do that.

2. Jennifer Rota and her African Grey Parrot, Lola, form Beacon, New York. The parrot sits on Jennifer's right shoulder. Dave asks if he could touch it. Jennifer says he can, "but it may bite you." Dave decides not, but asks, "Can I touch you?"
Lola's trick: Lola will take gum from Jennifer's mouth and chew it. Jennifer takes a piece of bubble gum and chews. Lola immediately puts its beak up to Jennifer's closed mouth to steal the bubble gum. Lola continues to dig until Jennifer eventually opens her mouth to free the gum. Lola takes and enjoys. Big deal. I could to that.

3. Darryl Kraemer and his Old English Sheepdog, Parker, from Waterloo, Ontario. The sheepdog has been trimmed for the summer offering a neat, tailored look.
Parker's trick: He will 'sing" along to the theme of soap opera, "The Young and the Restless." Darryl turns on the VCR and we see the opening theme to "The Young and The Restless." Parker immediately croons along. Big deal. I could do that. I was never much of a "Young and the Restless" fan; I was more "All My Children" and "General Hospital."

ACT 4:
SHIA LABEOUF: He's starring in the new "Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."
Since Shia was last here, he turned 21. And since Ford was President, I turned 21. Shia admits to going a little crazy on his 21st birthday. Well, I guess he has to admit it since it made the police blotter. After a night of carousing and legal drinking, he stumbled across the street to a Walgreens drug store to pick up some cigarettes. He needed some butts at 4:00 AM. On his way over, he felt a pimple on his forehead. Oooh, gotta get that covered, he thought. Before getting the cigarettes, in a daze he blindly made his way to the cosmetic section. A security guard closely followed. They exchanged glares. Neither was happy to see the other; Shia didn't appreciate being followed and eyeballed; the security guard didn't appreciate having to get up because someone wanted came in to the store at 4:00 AM. Shia put on his best tough-guy façade and then paid for his pimple cream. Once back to his room, he realized he forgot the cigarettes. He'd have to go back. Shia put on the white pimple cream on his forehead, changed his clothes to throw off the security guard, and made it back down to Walgreens. There, he was again confronted by the security guard. "Hey, nice outfit" he pompously growled at Shia. Shia snapped, "This?" The guard backed, "Yeah, I mean that!" Shia then made fun of the security guard's uniform. Then Shia half-stumbled into the candy counter behind him and grabbed a pack of GummyBears. Wanting to appear as cool as possible, Shia pretended that he intended to grab the GummyBears. Shia paid for the sweet snack and left. Halfway out the door, he realized he again forgot the cigarettes. He went back to his hotel room and changed outfits again. You tend to do stuff like this when you are bombed at 4:00 AM in the morning. He went back again for the cigarettes. The security guard took one look at him and sighed an angry sigh, "Really?" Things got worse and Shia was eventually thrown to the ground, I mean he tripped, and was handcuffed by security. He was taken in to the police station and charged with trespassing. When you can't find anything in the Penal Code for obnoxiousness and being a pain, trespassing can fit the bill . . . . or disorderly conduct. Anyway, that's how Shia LaBeouf spent his 21st birthday. See, kids, cigarettes are bad for you. Shia learned some new tricks while filming the Indiana Jones movie. For one, he learned how to handle a switchblade. I have a feeling it's a good thing Shia didn't have the switchblade when he was visiting Walgreen's. Shia shows off the blade he is carrying, illegal in New York City, and does some tricks. He then tosses it off camera. We hear a cry of pain from our announcer, Alan Kalter. We cut to Alan to find him with the switchblade sticking out of his bloody chest. In New York City, for this Shia would be charged with trespassing.
"Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" - it opens Thursday, May 22nd.

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Regis Philbin, actress Laura Dern, and musical group Death Cab For Cutie. The Late Show with David Letterman, making America laugh for the last 49 years! We'll be right back.

ACT 6:
Oil prices are setting new records almost daily, and that means pain at the pump for motorists. Here's our announcer Alan Kalter with a Gas Price Update.
We see Alan still with the knife in his chest.
Alan: "Thanks, Dingus. The average price of a gallon of regular hit $3.65 today, and is expected to approach four dollars this summer. Motorists are responding by driving less, and by getting rid of gas-guzzlers. For instance, after a lot of deliberation, I've decided to sell my 'Big Red' van.
Yes, I've made a lifetime of memories in my rolling hideaway, but it's time to let her go. Custom features included a quadraphonic stereo system, waterbed, carpeting, mirrored walls and ceiling, incense burners, and artificial fireplace.
I'm asking twelve grand, and that includes autographed photos of the van's most famous passengers: Meredith Baxter Birney, Jaclyn Smith, and Joan Van Ark. Ahhh, good times. Contact me here at the show.
Back to you, Zero."
Dave thinks 12 grand ain't all that bad.

ACT 7:
N.E.R.D. - From the soon-to-be released CD, "Seeing Sounds," N.E.R.D. energetically performed, "Everyone Knows." It'll be in stores in June.

And that was our show for Monday, May 12, 2008.



I think it's time for Hillary to go on another listening tour. Maybe then she'd hear: "Enough!"

Speaking before of watching soap operas; years ago my friend watched "All My Children." He never missed an episode. I ridiculed him for such a waste of time. He explained, or better, he demonstrated why he watched "All My Children." That night we went to our favorite bar, which is, any one that is opened. While standing at the bar, he turns away from me and says to these 3 girls to his right, "Can you believe what Erica Kane is up to?" I lost him the rest of the night. They 4 of them chatted about Erica Kane and Pine Valley all night long. And today, twenty-five years later, my friend Johnny is married to those three women and living on a compound in Texas.

The weekend revival of "No, No, Nanette" here in New York's City Center received rave reviews. And if this was the case back in the 1920's, Babe Ruth would have stayed a Red Sox and baseball history would have been changed forever.
The Red Sox owner was involved in Broadway at the time and needed some dough to finance his new production, "No, No, Nanette." He sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees for the needed cash.
And then I read an article on "No, No, Nanette" in this morning's paper. The show this weekend was labeled a revival of the 1925 musical. 1925? But Babe Ruth was sold from the Boston Red Sox to the New York Yankees in 1920. Huh? Turns out that "No, No, Nanette" originally was a non-musical, entitled. "My Lady Friends," which opened on Broadway in 1919. It was "My Lady Friends," not "No, No, Nanette" that created the need to sell the mighty Babe.
There's something for the barstool.

And now once again, "Late Night The Day They Were Born."
Shia LaBeouf was born June 11, 1986. So, what happened on Late Night the day Shia LaBeouf was born?
June 11, 1986 was a Late Night repeat. The show was in a two-week vacation and returned 5 days later.
So, what happened on Late Night the day Shia LaBeouf was 5 days old?
June 16, 1986; Show #720; Connie Chung, Penn & Teller with rat trap roulette; comedian Bob Sarlatte; an Anton Fig drum solo; walk to Donahue studio 8G; Top Ten advantages of New Studio over old Studio; Dave takes out tooth; and Real Books.
And that was Late Night the Day Shia LaBeouf was 5 days old.
The show repeated the night Shia LaBeouf was born was from June 19, 1985; Show # 571.
- Actress Tahnee Welch; filmmaker John Waters; Paper airplane contest winner Allen Hammond; Summertime Gift itemsn (beachtime dog disguises); and The Fugitive Guy #1.

This week's installment of "The Fun of Youth Sports!"
A woman tried to bring water to her daughter during a timeout of a girls basketball game. The coach yelled at her at the top of his lungs from across the floor to shut up. His team was winning by 20.
This concludes "The Fun of Youth Sports."

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Owner of Fred's Place in Mountain View, California, Chang Cho. Happy birthday.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER