" . . . . and now, beloved television chef . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
There's a new report that bedbugs have been found in the New York City subway system. And that's not the only insect problem they're having down there. We take a look at what happened just yesterday.
We see a clip of a woman being chased by a flying bug. Actually, it was a scene from the movie, "Mimic." From the looks of it, sitting through "Mimic" would be more frightening and disgusting than sitting amongst the bedbugs.

Jenna Bush got married over the weekend in Crawford, Texas. For all the wedding fans out there, we've put together something called, "Jenna Bush's Wedding Fashion Review." It's the first time we've done something like this.
Announce:

"Jenna Bush looked breathtaking in an Oscar de la Renta white silk organza with embroidery, matte beading and a small train (shot of Jenna Bush in wedding dress).
Her mother was radiant in a deep turquoise gown, also designed by Oscar de la Renta (shot of Laura Bush in dress).
And the President was dressed as Iron Man (the President dressed in an Iron Man costume).

"Dear Prussian Academy of Science . . . thank you for publishing my paper, in which I theorized that energy = mass times the speed of light. I take pen in hand and write you today because I have stumbled on another equation which excited me almost as much:
Ruffles + Onion Dip = Delicious.
Fondly, Albert.
This has been Einstein's Letters."

Oliver Stone is making a film about the life of George W. Bush. It looks very interesting. We take a look at the trailer.
Announce:

"It's George W. Bush as you've never seen him before. Oliver Stone's 'W.' Go behind the headlines for a look at the heir to a political dynasty (shot of James Brolin as Bush); the wife who always stood by him (shot of Elizabeth Banks as Laura); and his loyal Vice President (shot of the vampire from 'Nosferatu').
'W' - coming soon to theaters everywhere."

ACT 2:
TOP TEN: Reasons Annika Sorenstam is Retiring
Annika Sorenstam
-winner of 90 professional golf tournaments
-the only female to shoot a 59 in competition
-the top career money-earner in the LPGA
-and yesterday, she announced she is retiring at the end of the season.

And there to present tonight's Top Ten list . . . Annika Sorenstam.
Reasons Annika Sorenstam is Retiring:
10. "Tired of Tiger Woods stealing my putter."
9. "Became less interested in aiming for the green and more interested in aiming at the spectators."
8. "I knew I needed a break when my golf bag began talking to me."
7. "I'm leaving to play Countess Scarlett Worthington on 'All My Children.'"
6. "When I'm in a stressful tournament, I eat golf tees like they're peanuts."
5. "Honestly, this long presidential campaign has sucked the life out of me."
4. "Who can focus on golf when Lauren and Audrina has sucked the life out of me?"
3. "I want to spend more time with Brett Favre's family"
2. "I just want a job where I can sit in a cubicle instead of being stuck on a golf course all day."
1. "The only putts I have to worry about now is my fiance."

Very nicely done, Annika.
Dave spoke to Annika earlier. He offered her this tip, or maybe it was she who offered it to Dave:
"Drive for show; putt for dough."

JACK HANNA - Director Emeritus of the Columbus Zoo; and a recent daytime Emmy nominee for his TV program, "Jack Hanna's Into the Wild."
Jack's animals tonight:
- a javelina - it is not a pig. 15 minutes earlier, Jack too thought it was a pig. But it is not a pig. Thank goodness for that last minute briefing.
- an Asian Palm Civet - Dave tried to guess the animal but couldn't come up with the right answer. It looked to be a cross between a raccoon, a hyena, and a bunch of other animals.
- A baby peregrine falcon - Dave thought it might have been a baby chicken. Though the baby peregrine was very cute, what I enjoyed most was the aqua/teal undies displayed by the handler when he placed the bird on Dave's desk. C'mon, man, pull up your pants! Get a belt. You're on TV!
- an adult peregrine - when the adult peregrine was being brought out, Jack slapped his own knee and injured his recently surgically repaired patella. Jack tells a story of the time a peregrine flew right between his legs. Dave turns and looks over to our executive producer and asks, "Can we take that story out?"
- a spot-nosed guenon - I don't remember much about the spot-nose. OH! Was this the one who likes to be groomed? Jack says this spot-nose guenon only likes males, but seemed more interested in Dave's desk microphone than anything else. But then, maybe that only reinforces the claim.
- a baby miniature donkey and horse. We learn that a donkey plus a horse equals a mule. And mules can't have sex. Wow! I didn't know that. I could understand the mules that were married, but even the single mules?

And that was Jack's animals. Look for Jack's new children's book, "Romp Stomp Waddle Home." It's a book about animals, or about my college days of drinking and clubbing.

ACT 4: It's time once again for a visit from America's favorite humorist, B.J. Twain.
Curtain rises. We find B.J. Twain seated.
B.J.Twain: "Oh, hello, I didn't hear you come in. Twain's the name, B.J. Twain. I've had a hard life. I was so ugly, after I was born my parents diapered the wrong end. (rim shot)
I was so ugly, my father tried to have his vasectomy made retroactive.
(rim shot)
My wife, on the other hand, has rare beauty. No one can find it."
(rim shot)
She's so fat, each week she has to go the garage to have her chins rotated.
(rim shot)
I got to tell you, my wife is so fat she once got a donut and returned it, complaining about the hole.
(rim shot)
One thing you can say about my wife, she's not two-faced. If she was, I would make her use the other one.
(rim shot)
Hit it, Paul!"

B.J. Twain gets up and sings "Hooked on a Feeling," singing us into commercial, through the commercial break, and up to Dave's introduction of Kid Rock. Fantastic job by B.J. Hopefully, Kid Rock will do as well.

ACT 5:
KID ROCK: He's the dad of a 14-year-old boy. Uh oh, with a dad like Kid Rock, I wonder what he's like. Mr. Rock is extremely proud to report that his son is a great student, gets A's and B's, and his teachers at the all-boy Catholic school tell him they have never met a more polite and well-mannered boy. Congratulations, Kid Rock, you have a right to be proud. And later Kid Rock says how he would only tour on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday so he could be home to raise his son. So there you go. You really can't tell a book by its cover.
Kid says how when his son was younger, he didn't go for all the attention that went along with being Kid Rock's son. Now his son is learning there are some benefits to that. Hmmm . . . . a 14-year-old boy whose dad is a rock and roll giant. Yeah, I can see how that can work. The girls like stuff like that. My dad worked for Con Edison. Unfortunately, that didn't quite excite the ladies back when I was a pimply teen. Tonight, Kid Rock performed a Lynyrd Skynyrd song, mixed and mashed with a Warren Zevon song, stirred in with a bit of Steve Miller. It's called, "All Summer Long."

ACT 6:
Announce:

"Guess what, America? The Tony Mendez Show is back with an all-new episode. This week, the company spy holds Tony captive. Will he be able to escape? Tune in to find out!
Satisfy your comedy craving at www.cbs.com/lateshow. Logging on to a website has never been his hilarious!
We'll be right back."

ACT 7:
KID ROCK: From his CD, "Rock N Roll Jesus," Kid Rock performed "All Summer Long."

And that was our show for Wednesday, May 14, 2008.



I said it the last time Kid Rock was here . . . why didn't anybody tell me he was this good!? I was very impressed with Kid Rock when he was on the show back in October when he performed "Rock N Roll Jesus" from the CD. That song was great. This song tonight was great. I have the CD and it is great. Tonight's song, "All Summer Long," will be The Song of The Summer of '08. Write it down. By September you'll be sick of it. But then one day you'll be loving it again when it isn't on the radio so much. Do they still play rock and roll on the radio? Maybe I can get my girls to listen to this and have 'em start shifting over to the good music.

Did you hear of Barack's misspeak. He said something about visiting 57 states during the campaign with one more to go. Ha ha. He later admitted his mistake and said he was thinking of ketchup.

I'm really trying my best not to bring this guy up but I can't help it. It's Yankee announcer John Sterling. I've decided not to get mad at him anymore for his incredibly inept ability to properly announce a game. I've decided to embrace it and laugh at him for the comedic imbecile he is. Last night the Yankees are playing the Tampa Bay Rays. Sterling complains about the pre-fab noise that cries out at Tropicana Field in Tampa. Imagine that. . . John Sterling doesn't like the pre-fab noise . . . he of "It is high is it far it is . . . . caught." He of "An A-Bomb from A-Rod." He of "The Melkman delivers!" He of "Robinson Cano, don't you know!" He of "Jason Giambi . . . the Gambino!" He of "Derek Jeter . . . el Capitan!" He of "The Yankees win! Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Yankees win!" Nope. Nothing pre-fab about that.
Seriously. I've been holding back on John Sterling. But if you don't live around here you don't know what it's like. I could write about his deliberate ineptitude every day . . but I resist. But sometimes I can't help it. Now when I turn on the radio to listen to a Yankee game, I check the clock. I time how long it takes before his first uncaring blunder.

Every now and then I will hear a song and I just have to hear it over and over and over again. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, I can't get enough of it. Today on my way into work I heard Eric Clapton's "Motherless Child." Mmmmm, it's delicious. Be warned: It guaranteed to make you drive 20 miles an hour over the limit.

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