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THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Bruce Willis; and Sia. PLUS:Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; A Message from Hank Paulson; Fist Bump with Barack Obama; a visit with Buddha Boy; a Top Ten list; and a Mazda commercial starring Alan Kalter.
" . . . and now, inattentive court stenographer . . . . David Letterman!"
ACT 1:
Monologue jokes:
- "There’s been talk that Sarah Palin may appear in an episode of ‘Desperate Housewives.’ And when he heard that, McCain said to his staff, ‘Can you get me on Bonanza?’"
- "The Bidens met with the Cheney’s earlier today. And when it was time to leave, Cheney told them they’d have to spend the night because the bridge was out."
I really liked that joke.
Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
Bush exclaiming, "My lawyer’s a Latino!"
ACT 2:
During the commercial break, and again all night long, Paul and the band played some Jimi Hendrix, in honor of Hendrix drummer Mitch Mitchell who passed away on Wednesday at the age of 62. Great music all night. By the way, the day I bought "The Concert for Bangladesh" CD, I also bought the Jimi Hendrix Experience CD, my first Hendrix.
And now it’s time for "A Message from Hank Paulson," our Treasury Secretary.
Paulson: "I believe /everyone / in the United States / would / like / to / touch / my / large / smooth / head."
Obama-mania continues to swirl across the country, and who wouldn’t want to fist bump the President-elect. The popular fist-bump has become even more popular now that America saw Barack and Michelle exchanging one. But you’re in luck, America. Move right up close to your TV set. Right up close. Ready?
We go to a video tape. We see a photo of Barack Obama looking into the camera. His fist points our way. We hear an announcement: "Bump fist now." The fist moves forward so you can bump it. If you missed it the first time, Dave calls for it once again, and then one more time. Now you can tell your friends you "fist-bumped" the President.
A teenage boy, who many believe is the reincarnation of Buddha, has emerged from the jungle of Nepal. He was nice enough to stop by and say hello tonight. Dave welcomes Joe Grossman, the Buddha Boy. The Buddha Boy enters and stands center stage, slightly askew. DAVE: "Thanks for being her, Joe . . . . can I call you Joe?" BUDDHA BOY: ". . . . Sure" DAVE: "So, you’re from Nepal?" BUDDHA BOY: "No, I just live there. I was born in Great Neck." DAVE: "I see. Explain to us what a Buddhist does." BUDDHA BOY: "A Buddhist is one who tales refuge in the Three Jewels: The Buddha, the Dharma, and the . . . . something." DAVE: "You mean you don’t know?" BUDDHA BOY: "uhhhhh, there’s a lot of stuff . . . . ." DAVE: "What do people say about you being Buddha?" BUDDHA BOY: " . . . . I can’t believe it’s not Buddha . . . . . . . . . . I don’t see what’s so funny." DAVE: "Buddha Boy, ladies and gentlemen."
The Buddha Boy exits, first the wrong way, then the right.
Years ago, Buddha Boy would appear on the cover the of Weekly World; now he comes to the Late Show.
President Bush is starting to get a little reflective about leaving office. We take a look an example. Announce: "In an interview President Bush said when he leaves office, he’ll be going from ‘100 mph to zero over night.’
So, this is George Bush at 100 mph . . . ."
Cut to Bush speaking in the Oval Office: " . . .. on the streets of major cities . . . . ." He then stops and stares. Stops in midsentence and just stares straight ahead. Announce: "George W. Bush – I need a vacation from my vacation."
And we’ll be back right after this message from Mazda.
Commercial? Sounds like it, looks like it, but it’s our own Alan Kalter out on Broadway standing by the new Mazda 6. Alan showcases the Mazda6 and he commercializes. ALAN: "Hi, I’m TV’s Alan Kalter. Are you looking for a stylish, fun to drive, alternative to the boring sedans you see on the roads every day? Look no further. The 100% new Mazda6 is here.
The newly designed Mazda6 had undergone 360 degrees of wind tunnel testing, making it quieter and more fuel efficient than ever before. The Mazda6 also has a larger interior than a Toyota Camry of a Nissan Altima and more leg room than a Honda Accord.
It gets better. The Mazda6 comes equipped with unparalleled, first In-Class features like a Blind-Spot Monitoring System, Bluetooth Audio with wireless MP3 player capability and Bose Centerpoint 5.1 Surround Sound. Amazing. Come on, let’s take her for a spin."
Suddenly, a burly guy in a tank top enters and grabs Alan who is sitting in the driver seat of the Mazda6.
GUY: "Hey, that’s my Mazda6!"
The guy rips Alan through the window of the car and proceeds to beat him from head to toe. He then throws Alan face down onto the hood and front windshield. The guy gets into the car and drives off as Alan falls to Broadway. We cut to Alan who mumbles a feeble: "Zoom zoom."
www.tvweek.com/blogs/tvbizwire
ACT 3 TOP TEN: Highlights of the Dick Cheney/Joe Biden Meeting – earlier today, Joe Biden and Dick Cheney had a private meeting, followed by a tour of the official residence of the Vice President at the Naval Observatory in Washington D.C. #7. Enjoyed a nice lunch interrupted by two shotgun blasts and a heart attack. #2. For about 20 minutes, Cheney’s pacemaker got HBO
BRUCE WILLIS
Bruce enters wearing a Sarah Palin wig, looking as lovely as the former Miss Alaska runner-up. Bruce says he just returned from Alaska, visiting the small town of Wasilla. He went to cheer up poor Palin. It’s part of his mega-star outreach program. While there, the homesy Sarah Palin cooked up some Spaghetti and Moose Balls for Bruce. Bruce could only finish one moose ball. They’re huge. To cheer up Ms. Palin, he took her out on a "girls’ day", hitting the salons, hair, and nail places. Bruce and Sarah spent about $300 grand, but who’s counting? To finish off the day, Bruce got himself a cute "You Betcha" tattoo with a big red heart on his arm.
And Bruce, always the entrepreneur, has developed a new product just in time for Thanksgiving. It’s the Bruce Willis Fry Hard With a Vengeance deep fryer. You can fry your Thanksgiving turkey in five minutes. Bruce demonstrates, but not before fondling the raw bird.
Dave reminds Bruce that Rumer, Bruce’s daughter, was on the show a while ago. Dave says it was clear that she was raised correctly and her parents did a fine job. Is Bruce worried about her being in show business? Before Bruce could answer, Dave adds "Because show business is full of guys like you." All of a sudden, Bruce doesn’t seem so pleased with his daughter’s decision.
Dave asks Bruce about his relationship with Paul Newman. Bruce speaks glowingly of Paul and calls him one of his heroes in life. They did a film together in 1994, "Nobody’s Fool." Paul was a true professional but on top of that, never took life too seriously. There was one little bump in the road in the filming of "Nobody’s Fool." One morning, Bruce was a little late getting to the set. Paul was waiting for him in the parking lot. Paul only said, "Punctuality is the courtesy of kings." YES! I wish I thought of that. I love it, and I will use it. "Punctuality is the courtesy of kings."
I just Googled "Punctuality is the courtesy of kings." It’s an old saying, and it pops quite frequently in the same paragraph as "Paul Newman."
Robert Deniro is another hero of Bruce’s and jumped at the chance to work with him in "What Just Happened." Another hero: Zach Efron. Bruce eagerly campaigned to be part of the cast in "High School Musical III." Dave wasn’t aware that Bruce was in that film. Bruce said the film made use of all his dancing talent and brought a clip of his appearance in the film.
We see Bruce in the big "singing and dancing on the basketball court in the middle of the game" number. Bruce plays Zac’s older brother in the film and the familial likeness of the two was eerie.
Bruce didn’t say but I suspect his participation in the film was his way of trying to get back with Demi.
ACT 5: Announce: "The Tony Mendez Show is back with an exciting new episode. Tune in to watch Tony and the staff have fun with editing! It’s so easy! Just go to www.cbs.com/lateshow/wahoo. You’ll be glad you did!
We’ll be right back.
ACT 7: SIA: From her CD, "Some People Have Real Problems," Sia performed "Soon We’ll Be Found." Oddly entertaining, and a lovely voice. I’ll be giving her more of a listen.
And that was our show for Thursday November 13, 2008.
My daughter Dominique asked me what I did at work today. I told her we had Bruce Willis on the show and we did a spoof on "High School Musical." She glares at me and shouts, "Don’t spoof ‘High School Musical’!" I apologized and told her, "I didn’t realize."
Boy oh boy, New York Jet fans who double as sports radio hosts are all agog following Thursday night’s win against the New England Patriots. The Jets were ahead 24-3 in the 2nd quarter and ended up winning in overtime. As hard as the Jets tried, they couldn’t give the game away. The Patriots had over 500 total yards, but don’t tell that to Jet fans. But you can’t blame Jet fans for being ecstatic. They haven’t reached these heights in years. Can they sustain their good fortune? Of course not, they’re the Jets. The J-E-T-S Jets!
If in 1909 you had bet the Chicago Cubs would win a World Series before a black Senator from Chicago would be elected President of the United States, you lost.
Last week I never heard of Taylor Swift. Since she’s been on the show she now seems to be everywhere.
I took a look at the three-month chart of the CBS stock market price. I immediately wanted to run and get my sled. It would make a great ride.
Sounds like this pregnant man is a slut.
I’ve been getting a lot of "Where can I get that Ball State Cardinal shirt Dave held up last night?" It’s a Ball State issue, folks. I’d check them out. I got mine and hope to be wearing it January 8th.
Remember the woman in Stupid Human Tricks from Garwood Lanes in New Jersey (I’m hoping to get a free game there) who put her fingers under her eyelids? Well . . . . it’s time now for my "Fingers In My Eyes" story.
I’m nearly blind. Back in the day, my eyeglasses were thick as ashtrays. I hated them, but needed them. At the age of 25 or so, I finally plunked down the necessary cash to get me the contact lenses. That first night, it took me 45 minutes to get them in. The lenses kept folding and my eyelash kept hitting it on the way in. After forever, I finally got them in. I had to take another shower before going out. Eventually, it didn’t take as long to get my contacts in but it never became easy. So one night I came home after midnight after an afternoon of drinking. I went to the bathroom to take out my contact lenses. They wouldn’t come out. I would sometimes have trouble taking them out but never this much trouble. I tried and tried and tried. Nothing. I was rubbing my eyeballs with my fingers trying to get a bend in the lens so I could get a grasp. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get a hold of ‘em. I know I couldn’t go to sleep with them in because I’ve heard horror stories about that. "They’ll slip up inside your head if you go to sleep with them on" I was told my many. So I continued digging into my eyes to get my contacts. I was exhausted. I leaned over the sink, thinking what to do next. And then . . . . I saw something . . . my glasses. I realized I didn’t wear my contact lenses that night. I wore my glasses.
And that’s my "Fingers In My Eyes" story. Do you have one?
The Wahoo Gazette: Still without commercials.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
With the world’s prettiest eyes, not including my wife’s, it’s 1980 SUNY Cortland graduate from Cazenovia, New York, the lovely Carri Bean Moore.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Bruce Willis; and Sia. PLUS:Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; A Message from Hank Paulson; Fist Bump with Barack Obama; a visit with Buddha Boy; a Top Ten list; and a Mazda commercial starring Alan Kalter.
" . . . and now, inattentive court stenographer . . . . David Letterman!"
ACT 1:
Monologue jokes:
- "There’s been talk that Sarah Palin may appear in an episode of ‘Desperate Housewives.’ And when he heard that, McCain said to his staff, ‘Can you get me on Bonanza?’"
- "The Bidens met with the Cheney’s earlier today. And when it was time to leave, Cheney told them they’d have to spend the night because the bridge was out."
I really liked that joke.
Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
Bush exclaiming, "My lawyer’s a Latino!"
ACT 2:
During the commercial break, and again all night long, Paul and the band played some Jimi Hendrix, in honor of Hendrix drummer Mitch Mitchell who passed away on Wednesday at the age of 62. Great music all night. By the way, the day I bought "The Concert for Bangladesh" CD, I also bought the Jimi Hendrix Experience CD, my first Hendrix.
And now it’s time for "A Message from Hank Paulson," our Treasury Secretary.
Paulson: "I believe /everyone / in the United States / would / like / to / touch / my / large / smooth / head."
Obama-mania continues to swirl across the country, and who wouldn’t want to fist bump the President-elect. The popular fist-bump has become even more popular now that America saw Barack and Michelle exchanging one. But you’re in luck, America. Move right up close to your TV set. Right up close. Ready?
We go to a video tape. We see a photo of Barack Obama looking into the camera. His fist points our way. We hear an announcement: "Bump fist now." The fist moves forward so you can bump it. If you missed it the first time, Dave calls for it once again, and then one more time. Now you can tell your friends you "fist-bumped" the President.
A teenage boy, who many believe is the reincarnation of Buddha, has emerged from the jungle of Nepal. He was nice enough to stop by and say hello tonight. Dave welcomes Joe Grossman, the Buddha Boy. The Buddha Boy enters and stands center stage, slightly askew. DAVE: "Thanks for being her, Joe . . . . can I call you Joe?" BUDDHA BOY: ". . . . Sure" DAVE: "So, you’re from Nepal?" BUDDHA BOY: "No, I just live there. I was born in Great Neck." DAVE: "I see. Explain to us what a Buddhist does." BUDDHA BOY: "A Buddhist is one who tales refuge in the Three Jewels: The Buddha, the Dharma, and the . . . . something." DAVE: "You mean you don’t know?" BUDDHA BOY: "uhhhhh, there’s a lot of stuff . . . . ." DAVE: "What do people say about you being Buddha?" BUDDHA BOY: " . . . . I can’t believe it’s not Buddha . . . . . . . . . . I don’t see what’s so funny." DAVE: "Buddha Boy, ladies and gentlemen."
The Buddha Boy exits, first the wrong way, then the right.
Years ago, Buddha Boy would appear on the cover the of Weekly World; now he comes to the Late Show.
President Bush is starting to get a little reflective about leaving office. We take a look an example. Announce: "In an interview President Bush said when he leaves office, he’ll be going from ‘100 mph to zero over night.’
So, this is George Bush at 100 mph . . . ."
Cut to Bush speaking in the Oval Office: " . . .. on the streets of major cities . . . . ." He then stops and stares. Stops in midsentence and just stares straight ahead. Announce: "George W. Bush – I need a vacation from my vacation."
And we’ll be back right after this message from Mazda.
Commercial? Sounds like it, looks like it, but it’s our own Alan Kalter out on Broadway standing by the new Mazda 6. Alan showcases the Mazda6 and he commercializes. ALAN: "Hi, I’m TV’s Alan Kalter. Are you looking for a stylish, fun to drive, alternative to the boring sedans you see on the roads every day? Look no further. The 100% new Mazda6 is here.
The newly designed Mazda6 had undergone 360 degrees of wind tunnel testing, making it quieter and more fuel efficient than ever before. The Mazda6 also has a larger interior than a Toyota Camry of a Nissan Altima and more leg room than a Honda Accord.
It gets better. The Mazda6 comes equipped with unparalleled, first In-Class features like a Blind-Spot Monitoring System, Bluetooth Audio with wireless MP3 player capability and Bose Centerpoint 5.1 Surround Sound. Amazing. Come on, let’s take her for a spin."
Suddenly, a burly guy in a tank top enters and grabs Alan who is sitting in the driver seat of the Mazda6.
GUY: "Hey, that’s my Mazda6!"
The guy rips Alan through the window of the car and proceeds to beat him from head to toe. He then throws Alan face down onto the hood and front windshield. The guy gets into the car and drives off as Alan falls to Broadway. We cut to Alan who mumbles a feeble: "Zoom zoom."
www.tvweek.com/blogs/tvbizwire
ACT 3 TOP TEN: Highlights of the Dick Cheney/Joe Biden Meeting – earlier today, Joe Biden and Dick Cheney had a private meeting, followed by a tour of the official residence of the Vice President at the Naval Observatory in Washington D.C. #7. Enjoyed a nice lunch interrupted by two shotgun blasts and a heart attack. #2. For about 20 minutes, Cheney’s pacemaker got HBO
BRUCE WILLIS
Bruce enters wearing a Sarah Palin wig, looking as lovely as the former Miss Alaska runner-up. Bruce says he just returned from Alaska, visiting the small town of Wasilla. He went to cheer up poor Palin. It’s part of his mega-star outreach program. While there, the homesy Sarah Palin cooked up some Spaghetti and Moose Balls for Bruce. Bruce could only finish one moose ball. They’re huge. To cheer up Ms. Palin, he took her out on a "girls’ day", hitting the salons, hair, and nail places. Bruce and Sarah spent about $300 grand, but who’s counting? To finish off the day, Bruce got himself a cute "You Betcha" tattoo with a big red heart on his arm.
And Bruce, always the entrepreneur, has developed a new product just in time for Thanksgiving. It’s the Bruce Willis Fry Hard With a Vengeance deep fryer. You can fry your Thanksgiving turkey in five minutes. Bruce demonstrates, but not before fondling the raw bird.
Dave reminds Bruce that Rumer, Bruce’s daughter, was on the show a while ago. Dave says it was clear that she was raised correctly and her parents did a fine job. Is Bruce worried about her being in show business? Before Bruce could answer, Dave adds "Because show business is full of guys like you." All of a sudden, Bruce doesn’t seem so pleased with his daughter’s decision.
Dave asks Bruce about his relationship with Paul Newman. Bruce speaks glowingly of Paul and calls him one of his heroes in life. They did a film together in 1994, "Nobody’s Fool." Paul was a true professional but on top of that, never took life too seriously. There was one little bump in the road in the filming of "Nobody’s Fool." One morning, Bruce was a little late getting to the set. Paul was waiting for him in the parking lot. Paul only said, "Punctuality is the courtesy of kings." YES! I wish I thought of that. I love it, and I will use it. "Punctuality is the courtesy of kings."
I just Googled "Punctuality is the courtesy of kings." It’s an old saying, and it pops quite frequently in the same paragraph as "Paul Newman."
Robert Deniro is another hero of Bruce’s and jumped at the chance to work with him in "What Just Happened." Another hero: Zach Efron. Bruce eagerly campaigned to be part of the cast in "High School Musical III." Dave wasn’t aware that Bruce was in that film. Bruce said the film made use of all his dancing talent and brought a clip of his appearance in the film.
We see Bruce in the big "singing and dancing on the basketball court in the middle of the game" number. Bruce plays Zac’s older brother in the film and the familial likeness of the two was eerie.
Bruce didn’t say but I suspect his participation in the film was his way of trying to get back with Demi.
ACT 5: Announce: "The Tony Mendez Show is back with an exciting new episode. Tune in to watch Tony and the staff have fun with editing! It’s so easy! Just go to www.cbs.com/lateshow/wahoo. You’ll be glad you did!
We’ll be right back.
ACT 7: SIA: From her CD, "Some People Have Real Problems," Sia performed "Soon We’ll Be Found." Oddly entertaining, and a lovely voice. I’ll be giving her more of a listen.
And that was our show for Thursday November 13, 2008.
My daughter Dominique asked me what I did at work today. I told her we had Bruce Willis on the show and we did a spoof on "High School Musical." She glares at me and shouts, "Don’t spoof ‘High School Musical’!" I apologized and told her, "I didn’t realize."
Boy oh boy, New York Jet fans who double as sports radio hosts are all agog following Thursday night’s win against the New England Patriots. The Jets were ahead 24-3 in the 2nd quarter and ended up winning in overtime. As hard as the Jets tried, they couldn’t give the game away. The Patriots had over 500 total yards, but don’t tell that to Jet fans. But you can’t blame Jet fans for being ecstatic. They haven’t reached these heights in years. Can they sustain their good fortune? Of course not, they’re the Jets. The J-E-T-S Jets!
If in 1909 you had bet the Chicago Cubs would win a World Series before a black Senator from Chicago would be elected President of the United States, you lost.
Last week I never heard of Taylor Swift. Since she’s been on the show she now seems to be everywhere.
I took a look at the three-month chart of the CBS stock market price. I immediately wanted to run and get my sled. It would make a great ride.
Sounds like this pregnant man is a slut.
I’ve been getting a lot of "Where can I get that Ball State Cardinal shirt Dave held up last night?" It’s a Ball State issue, folks. I’d check them out. I got mine and hope to be wearing it January 8th.
Remember the woman in Stupid Human Tricks from Garwood Lanes in New Jersey (I’m hoping to get a free game there) who put her fingers under her eyelids? Well . . . . it’s time now for my "Fingers In My Eyes" story.
I’m nearly blind. Back in the day, my eyeglasses were thick as ashtrays. I hated them, but needed them. At the age of 25 or so, I finally plunked down the necessary cash to get me the contact lenses. That first night, it took me 45 minutes to get them in. The lenses kept folding and my eyelash kept hitting it on the way in. After forever, I finally got them in. I had to take another shower before going out. Eventually, it didn’t take as long to get my contacts in but it never became easy. So one night I came home after midnight after an afternoon of drinking. I went to the bathroom to take out my contact lenses. They wouldn’t come out. I would sometimes have trouble taking them out but never this much trouble. I tried and tried and tried. Nothing. I was rubbing my eyeballs with my fingers trying to get a bend in the lens so I could get a grasp. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get a hold of ‘em. I know I couldn’t go to sleep with them in because I’ve heard horror stories about that. "They’ll slip up inside your head if you go to sleep with them on" I was told my many. So I continued digging into my eyes to get my contacts. I was exhausted. I leaned over the sink, thinking what to do next. And then . . . . I saw something . . . my glasses. I realized I didn’t wear my contact lenses that night. I wore my glasses.
And that’s my "Fingers In My Eyes" story. Do you have one?
The Wahoo Gazette: Still without commercials.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
With the world’s prettiest eyes, not including my wife’s, it’s 1980 SUNY Cortland graduate from Cazenovia, New York, the lovely Carri Bean Moore.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Fun Facts Book plug • A Message from Hank Paulson • Barak Obama Bump Fist • A Visit from Buddha Boy • President Bush Reflective About Leaving Office • Alan's Mazda Commercial
ACT 3 • Top Ten Highlights of the Dick Cheney/Joe Biden Meeting Read now
